....that....woman....

See this sweet, innocent face? So pure and innocent? YEAH. check that thought. this child has entered.. that's right, people. the terrible effin twos! I actually called my mother from the parking lot of target saturday after this sweet and innocent being had a complete meltdown that lasted from the pharmacy all the way out to the car, and said, "ok, mother, so tell me... at what age is it again safe to take children into public?"

i always used to comment, when i was young, single, un-mothered.. if you will.. about "those women". you know you all did it. "why on earth would that woman bring her child out if they are tired/cranky.miserable..." etc etc. you KNOW you did it. i KNOW i did it. and i solemnly swore to my mother... "i will NEVER be that woman". well, ladies, the jig is up. you don't purposely become THAT woman. it just happens. it happens when you least expect it. and you realize as you are pouring sweat down your forehead, standing at the pharmacy counter, picking up your anti-anxiety medication, that you are having an anxiety attack right then and there because a two year old little being has ultimately become possessed by some force stronger than you know.. called THE TEMPER TANTRUM.

i became that woman. people made comments to me as i passed. people said things to me in the parking lot, as though they had any idea what i as going through? "oh, looks like the little princess is tired!" - OR - "oh look at that little cutie.. she must be just having a bad day!".. NO!!! I say.. she's having a bad WEEK!!!! I didn't just say this.. in retrospect, i think i yelled this. i was that woman. CRAZY. DISTURBED. wondering.. how in the HELL did I get here? no one prepared me for this. this wasn't in the countless books i read.

i don't know how to deal with this. other than leave her home. all the time. do my errands between the hours of 8 and 10pm... thank GOD target is open that late and that my grocery store is open 24/7. i guess it too shall pass. as i write, i tend to dramatize it a little for writings sake... no i don't... what the eff am i thinking? it really happened like that. i then remarked to my husband this weekend... how do i cope with this? i'm not cut out for this. i don't have the skills. is this something i can learn? there is no reasoning with a force stronger than nature. this child has a temper like fire. and i've been hit, kicked, slapped.. you name it. yes. she's two.

so, oh great mothering reader presence. teach me. drop your words of wisdom. tell your friends... one of us is sinking, and she needs a life raft... ME! (really, i love my girl.. and life with her is more grand than i ever dreamed...i just can't skip a dose or two of the anxiety meds...hahahhaha)

have a SUPER monday. i have a new outlook for this week... and am going to approach the child like i approach work... i have to learn to be more proactive and keep her occupied enough that she won't have time to have a tantrum... yeah. good luck with that.

I know she'll be okay...

but a constant surge of "what ifs" continaully pulsate through my mind. I have to take Kennedy for a renal ultrasound tomorrow. This all stems from a discovery we had back in late April. She has a genetic rib anomoly - fancy doctor talk for.. there is something wrong with one of your daughter's ribs, but we are not sure what. her fourth rib on the right side, connects to the breast done with what appears to be a Y shaped connection. this causes her to have what is simply put - a bird chest. not noticable to strangers.

but to me? it stands out like a sore thumb. a reminder that not everything is perfect. a reminder on a daily basis, each time i change her shirt.. that what if? what if this is just the beginning of medical visits, and hospitals and tests. what if i am being too paranoid? i mean honestly, is there such a thing when it comes to your child? i think not.

the renal ultrasound is being done because one of the problems the "anomoly" with her rib can cause, is to her kidneys. this being a precaution, the doctors tell me. they think nothing is wrong, it's only a precaution. again, a daily reminder, what if? a reminder each time i change her diaper, i think.. why is she peeing so much? is something wrong withher kidneys? i keep these fears to myself. i over-react to myself. i'm scared. i hide that fact. plain and simple.

what makes matters worse tomorrow? i have to go to this appointment alone. will i ask the right questions? will she let me calm her and take care of her? she's been so attached to daddy lately.. will i do a good enough job? what if i can't calm her down? again, i'm scared. this appointment leads to a follow up withe the pediatric orthopaedic specialist, and then a visit in september for some genetic testing. i won't even get into the details of all of that right now, it's too much for my nerves to take. let's just say, again, we are told, it is precautionary. muscular dystrophy is on both sides of my family... MY immediate family. she was born with a loose hip, a late walker, and her feet still roll in a little too much for my liking. and yeah, did i mention that a chest xray showed initially she may have scoliosis... yet they "think" it's only positional?

i DO know she'll be okay. but i have every right to be scared. every right to be paranoid. ever right to be extra cautious. it is what makes me her momma. but i can still be scared. right?

AND THE WINNER IS.....

ALYSON!!!!

Love that you stuck it out with your BFF.. who is a BOY!!! and that you are STILL able to have wonderful relationships with each other and your new families and loves!

Please email me your info so I can send you a lil somethin somethin!

and tell me.. how did YOU find my blog? curious!!!

make it a great day, girls!

do YOU have ESPN?

ok, so i was tagged by my super talented online friend, katrina http://katyat34.typepad.com/being_30something/ (who still has not added me to her sidebar of REALLY cool blog friends....hahaha) to update my blog... i just feel as though i haven't had anything enlightening or remotely fun to rant about lately.... but my best friend has been on my mind a lot today... so i present to you.. oh faithful and small group of blog readers.. an ode to Joaney....

the ESPn title? a silly joke between my very best friend and i. we have now been friends for WOW... 19 years. yes, it was 9th grade. we were in algebra. she was a not so nice girl in my class who used to give the teacher a hard time and chat up a storm with her buddy tenika.i caught her cheating off of my work one day and asking me for help. i said, "sure, help yourself to my answers, i'm failing this class." it was all too apparent she had been cheating off of me for quite some time. she too, was failing the class. we became fast friends. we had such different lives, but so parallel at the same time. we had different friends. different interests. but something bonded us. some sort of E.S.P.n as we call it. we are in tune with one another. we just know. we know when we need to make one another's phone ring. we just know. why? i don't know. it's like a compelling force that often times makes me pick up the phone if only to tell her i was thinking about her and i love her. i often marvel at our friendship. we've only spent physical time together maybe a combined two weeks in the last 10 years? i missed her first wedding. i was too busy smoking pot and drinking. i didn't think she should be getting married. and i told her that many years later, after she divorced. i had a bad feeling and that i didn't have the courage or wisdom to tell her that 12 years ago. i missed her second wedding. but i was there in her heart and that of her new husband's. he is her other half. her completion. and i knew it in my heart. she missed my wedding. but she was there. it was her i felt standing beside me even though she wasn't. she lives in the south. i live in the north. we couldn't be more different. i often wonder how i can be so lucky. she is my sister that was chosen for me. i attribute my life to her on several different occasions, she's talked me in off the ledge. so, the ESPN? i know when she's going through a rough spot. she knows when i'm going through it. she's coming to spend a week with me the end of this summer and i feel like i am 16 again. we are going to a concert together while she's here. already planning our outfits... what we'll do before the concert... i guess a last ditch effort at reclaiming our youth... since her son asked... "mom, do you and aunt shelley really think you're all that?" she replied, "yes, all that AND a bag o' chips." yo!

so tell me.. who's your ESPn connection? do you know what i mean? who's the one person you can't go a day without connecting? do you realize how grateful you should be to have that one person? tell me about it... i'm trying to get some traffic to my site...so tell your friends, tell the famous... come read me... i will meander through my comments and pick my fav.. the one that reaches deepest to my soul and inspires me... and send a lil RAK... posts must be made by 12 midnight eastern time, saturday july 14th.

and we are teaching kennedy the "what up dog" hand tap.... pretty cute for a 2 year old... to go, "uh" (top hand tap) "uh" (bottom hand tap) "wassupdawggie" (front hand tap) (think hand in a fist, uh uh what up dog?) yeah, she pretty much rocks.