An Update and some JOY

a pictorial update of sorts and ramblin musings of one tired momma. and it's been since - yes OCTOBER - since i've taken the time to upload photos and because cold medicine gives this momma insomnia. so bear with me. a long, rambly - but CUTE post pictorial!

because every princess on all hallow's eve needs an up-do - Momma makes sure she gets one!
and an up-do turns my sweet girlie into the Princess she was meant to be...holy cute goodness. even her SHOES lit up blue!i somehow squeezed in some time to be crafty...completed some DT Assignments for my LSS... i've been SO neglecting my lovely hobby...
cranked out a few cards. NOT Christmas cards - just some one off cards with scraps. agian - no TIME!

we survived thanksgiving. my mom made it here safely from california and is SLOWLY getting settled in. we've transitioned K to being at home with Nanna full time and that makes for a MUCH happier household. I tried to find some Christmas Spirit - but what i found was another sinus infection, coupled with an ear infection for good company.

and because every Princess REQUESTS a flocked, pink tree with pink lights and pink sparkly ornaments, and sparkyl birds and sparkly butterflies, Momma obliges...(Spends time picking it all out, coordinating the ornaments and such just SO.. spends an HOUR decorating a 4 foot tree in said Princesses room, to find that when Princess goes to bed that very night, to sleep a sweet sleep under her pink sparkly tree- she exclaims to Daddy - "GET THAT THING OUTTA HERE...") Momma obliges HAPPILY because one day, Momma will look back and LAUGH... and know that never a wish went ungranted for a sweet, sweet princess! (ETA: this tree now adorns an antique steamer trunk in my dining area to greet ALL guests who enter. thank GOD they are few and far between... since this tree SCREAMS brothel, complete with feather boa tree skirt! hehehe)

proof we got Nanna settled - we remodeled our 1970's man cave for her! a spare bedroom that had paneling complete with acoustic tile ceiling. CLASS-E! K helped with the painting. oh boy - was she hot stuff! Just LOOK at her mad skillz!!!Then we FINALLY put up our tree. I have yet to take completed pics. but totally plan to. because some day i will complete the december daily i so painstakingly planned for this year. someday. (note to self: learn in 2009 how to take night time photos PROPERLY!)

ad we've been musing on this lil character ALL WEEK! yes i'm THAT neighbor. not normally, but this year it happened. whilst christmas appears to be happenin' on the inside, the ghost of all hallows past is still happenin on the outside. my fall flag is still up on the damn pole, and a 15 pound pumpkin has been overthrown by the squirrel population and i've proof of their destructive behavior! not only did they KNOCK the pumpkin off the step, on to it's side, theyve chewed a hole - and oh that's right, what do you see?yes - they crawl INSIDE... pull goodies out then sit on my deck and spit out seeds, eat, and just make a grand mess! it's quite entertaining and educational for miss K. we are LOVING this in the mornings, as this is when there is the most activity.
so, faithful blog readers. that's it in some pics.

oh and the finding joy part. i find that when i feel well, everything else falls into place. i'm feeling well just in the last 2 days, and somehow, my tree is more beautiful. the christmas music sounds more cheerful. the anticipation of all our little May Family traditions for Christmas are much more exciting. oh and did i mention? pure joy is knowing that as of Friday - i will not have to WORK for 9 entire days! that's is just grand and full of JOY!

expect more updates. it's coming. the holiday spirit has bitten. oh and yeah - 20 bucks bought me thee most gorgeous Holiday dress for one sweet princess...

peace and joy.

December Daily - Day One

So - I must admit - I started off planning aka Ali E style with gusto. I set up a little Christmas Cheer section in the studio - a little corner unit in my office with all of my Christmas stash. Bought new supplies - found some old ones that made me smile. Quite honestly - this little corner just plain made me happy. This was done about the beginning of November... AND to make it all complete, I popped in my favorite vintage kinda nightlight with the bubbly candle thingy with a little Santa hanging off of the side. Oh wait - one more thing.. Apple cinnamon candles. Yes - the spirit was flowing freely. and then? then what you ask?

and then it happened.

somehow - someway - this conversation pops up from time to time. most times easier to digest than others. a few times a year - not so easy to digest. like on my birthday. K's birthday. the entire month of june. then - the holidays. you see - it's a rather simple question - "How old's your Dad?" then - the awkward response - because no matter how you phrase it - the asker of the question really does not know how to answer when you respond with - "My Dad's been gone for 18 years now." eighteen. wow.more than half my life now. and I still remember the day like it was yesterday. the question came up - i casually answered and then fought within telling myself to NOT let it go. keep the cheer present - don't give in to this sadenss that seems to overcome me every year during the holidays.

people telling me as i grieved at 17 - it will get easier. you'll move on. but it doesn't and you don't. eighteen years later - it's not any easier. i just find different ways to deal with it. you see, my Dad died kind of suddenly, though he was ill - it was sudden - and unexpected. and it all happened the day after a horrific fight he had with my oldest brother. and it happened on January 2nd. happy new year for me. starting fresh - i immediately re-live the past.

normally - i try and embrace the holidays and fake my way through it with false sense of cheer and joy. i try and overcompensate for my pure sense of gloom and sadness by going over the top with decorations - Dad would have loved that. I go above and beyond with the baking and the cooking - because Dad would have loved that. Dad would have totally thought I rocked the apple pie - homemade crust and all. he would have DEVOURED my homemade pumpkin pie i made on thanksgiving this year. but this year - it's weird. i can't find it. i can't fake it.

granted - it's only just Dec 1 - there's still time to pull off my act. but for once, dear Lord up above - I hand this over to you - for once? I want to feel the genuine cheer and goodwill of this season. it's not about gifts and commercialization. I want to be in the moments. i want to hear laughter and joy. i want to feel it. I do not want to fake it. let something happen to me that will make me learn and grow as a momma. let me be put in a situation that will humble me. let me learn to move on and hand it over.

so very much has happened in the last couple of weeks - that i am not quite ready to write about yet. but for me - it was pretty tragic. i mean seriously - i know - doom and gloom girl? another tragedy? but yup - this one we didn't see coming. when i find the peace of mind and comfort within my heart - i will write about it. maybe in an hour - maybe a couple of days... but i think once i can put my true feelings to paper about it - my "wish" will be granted.

So - Sweet December - I spent this evening - in an effort to feel joy and just went on a car ride with my husband. Now that gas prices are manageable - we can afford to do that again. it's very senior like of us - but something we've always loved doing. something about the close comfort of our new little Santa Fe, the warm heat - the Christmas tunes playing - just makes me feel a little safer. a little more connected. We are looking for a new house and took a drive out to Constantia... in the country... pitch black countryside - so not a good look at the house - but wanted to get a feel for the area. My how i hope it all works out in the end. everything we are reaching for and working towards. so - i send it out into the open and i hand it over. i am praying for peace of mind. and praying for a real opportunity to know and feel joy this holiday season.

amen to that. keep reading - i'm going to attempt my december daily here... since yeah - umm - doom and gloom kept me from every finishing my december dialy album.

peace blog readers. find your joy in the holiday season, too.

i know i know - long time no post...

and this is not much - but stay tuned for more updates soon... with hopefully good news.

i saw this on my friend, Kats blog.. and stole it. i am supposed to bold the items i've done. more later!

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland - more time than i can count!
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelos David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant (does coffee count?)
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance - too many times to want to recall
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie - ok so i was a kid and it was an after school special type dare drug program kinda movie.. but hey - it counts!
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy (one of my kid's toys)
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible - though i don't recall most of it. can you say creepy cult experience in my late teens?
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone's life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Read an entire book in one day

that it! behave!

week in the life. day five.

the above pic is just for a dear, sweet friend of mine... this is all you get - because, seriously? this is how big MY kitchen really is. that's it.

wow. what an amazing week. though i have not documented everything like i wanted to, what i learned this week? IT'S OK. if you've forgotten my challenge, click here. it's been an awesome ride and i will carry it into sunday. with loads more pics. but for now - let me just list out some highs. i think for once, my highs far outweigh my lows.

• making connections with new work friends has empowered me. on so many levels.


• connections with my girl - amazing.


• seeing mommies at pre-school - that actually want to stop and chat with me. warms my heart. i'm taking it slow - as i don't make mommy friends easily. but i think i will make some lasting friends.


• struck a deal with K this week about the pre-school pickup. she was crying each time i showed up to pick her up. glad it's this way and not the other. but Lordy! she made the other mommas look at me like i had three eyes. she upheld her end of the deal. pinkie swore on it and everything. her reward? going with me - to the mall - which she promptly reminded me when we pulled up - "momma you don't like this place do you?" me: "nope!" her: "then thanks for bringing me here." we went to carousel. because that's where the disney store is. i am a sucker for a good halloween costume. and this was her reward. being able to pick it out this year. she wanted to be a princess. well, disney does princess like no other - so that's where we went. now i know, mommas reading will say i am CAH-RAAAAA-ZEE for buying a costume there, BUT BUT - everything was 25% off, and she will wear it again and again for dress up. i had to get the WHOLE scha-bang. the glass slippers that light up, the magic wand, the tiara, and a ring that lights up too. it was fabulous. she looks like a princess - truly - a real one. i SO wanted the minnie mouse costume - WAY cute on her. but she had to have the Cinderella. oh the LO's i will do. can't stand it.nothing is too good for my girl. she told me again, on the way out of the mall thank you. and then again on the way home. then promptly turned into and incorrigible 3 year old as soon as we got done modeling for daddy. gotta love mothering.


• these thoughts are in no way the order in which they occurred. that's what you get with an overtired - still fighting a cold in week two, momma.


• had - by far - one of the best experiences at work today. ever. in my career. with adp. can't spill the beans just yet. but if everything pans out well for me? it will be huge for me. huge. just huge. seriously. i still can't believe the conversation happened. huge. if it doesn't pan out - i will chalk it up to a wonderful learning experience. i've finally found someone to "attach to" that i think will lead me up the right side of the food chain. could. be. huge. so awesome.


• my guest dt spot is up at lotus paperie. will have to do a whole diff post on that alone. i'm so totally stoked.


• received some awesome happy mail this week from my HMSistah over at SISTV. how fun is it to actually get good old fashioned mail? this is the best swap i've yet to sign up for.


• noticed i really need to work on being a housekeeper. not even better. just housekeeper in general. i've been peeved with my DH on and off for about 2 weeks, and when i get that way - i don't do a damn thing. a dear sweet, sweet, amazing friend of mine blogged the other day about all the things she does for her family and is thinking of titling her challenge - "this is what loving you looks like". that simple line really made me question my duties around here. i love my family. i need to show it more. i need to just do things and not worry about what i'm getting in return. i need to just do it because it's a direct reflection of what loving them is like. i've neglected way too much for way to long in my home - and with my mom soon to become a part of it - i need to love everything a little bit more.


• yes. my mom. she's coming here. by november 22. to live. for good. initially - she was going to live on her own. but my DH suggested she live with us. times have changed and she has a reason to be happy with us. it will be tough. on all of us. but she's getting older and i've found she's not managing her healthcare well at all. and it's my turn to do that. for her. i want my daughter to know her. and fall in love with her like all little girls should with their nanas. and i hate to admit this outloud at 35 years old.. i need my mommy. really. really. really need her in my life. she's 3000 miles away. and i need her here. now.


• really really tired these days. and still cannot pin point why. i sleep enough. my job is not overly taxing right at the moment. i'm eating a little better. my labs say my thyroid levels are within normal range. but something's just off kilter. i think maybe i need a new doc.


• learning the real meaning of blessed. thanks Momma Fence. i hope you know the impact you truly are making on me.

more to come this weekend. i am loving this experiment. i can honestly say, i loved my life this week. i did not have one bad day. in spite of many setbacks... still can't say it was bad. i only learned from everything.

how's your week in the life? still not too late to join along. start today through next friday. oh - and i've got some raks to put together this weekend for a few local and somewhat local chicas....make it a good weekend. because i said so.

it's a two post hump day

this was taken the first day of preschool. not really part of my week in the life. but a day in my life i want to remember forever. and ever. and ever. this was HUGE for me. i look at this picture often, now, and wonder how did i get her and why am i so blessed? i really never thought i wanted children until late in my twenties. then when i finally began trying - didn't think i'd be able. and God willing - here she is. a dear friend asked me today, "are you one proud momma?" that word - proud - SUCH an understatement. i feel blessed. i feel honored. i've often written and said K is such an old soul. she looks into my eyes, and she sees to the depths of me. she says things like, "remember? when you were a little girl? i took care of you. i was a good mommy to you." or things like right before we leave for school, she throws herself on me and says - "mmmm.... i could just love on you all day momma. i just love to hug you." then there's the flip side. things come out of her mouth such as last night when we asked her if she wanted dinner, she stated, "nah - i'm not really into dinner right now." and the other day, she told me - "i'm not really feeling strawberries momma, what's my other choice?" REMINDER: she's three.
so quickly we develop traditions with our children. well, more so - rituals. each day on the way to school, on our 3 minute commute, we listen to "the heart song" - really - "Fidelity" by Regina Spektor. she knows each and every word. it's priceless. once we get to school, always the first ones there and early - we listen AGAIN to "the heart song" and put on chapstick - er - LIP GLOSS. this is her showing me. her aunt kimmie told me tonight - she loved this pic - because it reminds her of me and MY big ole' lippers. (and shhhh - aunt kimmie's jealous! we love you aunt kimmie!) this is the sweetest part of my every monday, wednesday and friday morning.
the guys for the day. she had to bring just these THREE downstairs with her. she specifically asked for Cow, Lizard, and Dino. and said they must stay on the little couch all day while she was gone. and there they sat. i LOVE Pet Shops. LOVE THEM. Like i secretly covet them. and talk her into buying certain ones because they are so damned cute. i want them in my office. but she won't let me borrow them. these are ALL over the house. warms my heart.
ah - yes -my most favorite morning ritual. she colors. everyday. at her table. after breakfast. it goes like this. we come downstairs, i go potty (still working on getting her to do this first thing - though she's fully potty trained.. she just won't make it a first pit stop) while she opens the blinds, i make coffee, breakfast, we eat, she goes to the art table.oh so intent. each and every morning. coloring in the lines. remarkable.she needs a bigger desk. and more markers. and colors. and art supplies. thank GOD Nana will be here soon! :)
my sweet, sweet Bailey. my boy. every photo i take of him he looks small. he's really not. he's 51 pounds. half greyhound, half american staffordshire. he's an amazing creature. he is just like me. he HATES mornings, and he LOVES coffee. as soon as my husband gets out of bed in the AM, bailey sneaks in with me and we snuggle. hard core snuggle. this is him, after we've made our way downstairs. he hops up on the couch (i will NEVER learn to teach him to stay off of it.. and i hate myself for it. my sofa is RUINED) and he curls up in a ball and tries to make himself invisible. the look on his face in this photo says it all. i don't DO mornings . yeah bailey? neither do i.

i'm reading this. i'm a nerd. i've joined a colleague book club. chapter two? knocked my friggin socks off. i think every mother should read this book, too. it's taught me things about work AND important life lessons. again? i'm only at chapter 3. this is a good thing for me.

my TO DO list for tuesday. notice all the pink? that's a gooood thing. it means i accomplished a good deal yesterday. today? never even got around to writing the damn list. BUT - there is always a chance to do more, tomorrow.

i took a TON more pics on Tuesday and then because the Hump Day got off to an atrocious start - i did not remember to take even ONE photo today. not one. tomorrow. it goes everywhere with me. i won't even mention how bad my day at work was. one of my loyal readers knows. she lived it right along with me. but i'm learning, and growing. and praying. and somehow - these bad days? they just don't hurt so much anymore.

a week in my life...i'm making it a good one. because it has to be. the end.

life's just so daily...

and i will post about it. and upload more pics. but am keeping with the project....

Week In The Life... DO THIS

I hesitated when I first read Ali's challenge. I have to much on my plate. Too many work committments. Too many personal issues for which I am running out of tissues. And then I said - you know what? The tail end of this year is supposed to be about ME. about making ME a BETTER ME. so throwing caution to the wind - i'm down Ali.. i'm with you. and it's going to be a GOOD ride. because I will it to be so. Though I did not take any photos today. Per Ali - that's ok. and I agree with that too. So read this. It's the challenge. and do this with me?

Week In The Life. Day One.

• i wake up to the sweetness of a small voice saying, "but i know it's still dark out, i want to watch morning time wake up." how can you wake in a bad mood, even though it's earlier than the chickens?
• try to stay awake through a snuggle and Caillou at 5am on the sofa. it does not happen.
• give in to the sandman. and snooze.
• wake to 100 - yes - that's ONE HUNDRED teeny, tiny counting animals, lined up carefully on the living room floor. and a dog bomb. (polite for the dog who forgot he was inside and dropped one)
• realizing none of this is not a good sign.
• roll of the sofa, out from under the sleep inducing fleece blankie i love so much and make coffee.
• feed child and take quickie shower.
• drag myself to kitchen, cold from shower, for coffee.
• to realize, i never ut grounds in the filter.
• realizing. once again. this is NOT a good sign.
• contemplate calling in sick since i am fighting bronchitis.
• realize this is weak and i can manage juuust fine.
• still contemplate. but can't. i'm too honest. and hardworking.
• get the girl finally ready for school. no arguments on clothing, hair accoutrements, or shoes.
• this *might* be a good sign.
• drive to school. my fav part of the week.
• we listen to *the heart song* my girl knows each and every word to this song. pure, sweet, goodness.
• drop off at school
• myheart melts - she's such a big girl and so into routine already
• we talk about making good choices
• we talk about including girls that look sad or are playing alone
• we talk about being HAPPY to see momma when school is over and not crying like a monster that she doesn't want to go home with me!
• we pinkie swear and kiss on it.
• my heart soars.

WORK ramblings

• i make coffee. again.
• i make a to do list
• i pray
• i review to do list
• pray again. only a miracle will get to do list complete
• go back down for coffee
• begin to do list
• feel bullied. into a corner
• shake it. chat online with a BFF/coworker
• she helps put it all in perspective
• i shake it some more
• still feeling bullied.
• therapy lessons i've learned kick in
• i'm being productive
• i answer several phone calls
• multi-task. chat online internally, answer emails
• i send some e-recs to some colleagues. they are worth a buck. it matters.
• i pray some more.
• i get a kick ass complimentary email from my division director.
• makes me really happy.
• i reach out to my former boss for some advice on aforementioned feeling bullied sensation. he said what i was feeling. i took his advice.
• i've moved on
• and the day is over.

EVENING -

• boring. nothing to report. went by too quick
• quick trip "as a family" to the grocery store.
• popped in to the temp halloween store for ideas.
• scared the girl.
• quick trip out.
• home.
• realized said prayer REALLY is working. in strange and mysterious ways.
• dinner.
• early bed time.
• quiet time for momma.
• internet time to unwind the mind.
• request to contribute to Page Maps for November shows up in my inbox. rooty toot toot! rock on - and GO ME!
• time to figure out LO for my Guest Design Team Spot over at Lotus Paperie beginning this FRIDAY! (go me again!)

all in all? a not so shabby day. and if you've stuck with me this long... thank you. and leave a comment... with a way for me to reach you... just might be some sweet, simple, happy mail in it for ya.

much love and make it a great week. because i said so, damnit!

And Syracuse Retail Continues to Grow...

The latest addition to our retail venue that has me simply jumping for joy?

HOBBY LOBBY

That's right - ladies - a Hobby Lobby. And how do I know this? Well the blueprints for the store are sitting in my kitchen table. My family's business has the steel contract on it and I am OVER the TOP excited about it!!! I saw the layout of the store - how much space is alloted for the scrappy goodness that will be within those walls.. i drooled. i gasped. i think i had a scrapgasm.

It will be going up FAST - which means good money for my husband - as they will be working round the clock to complete the job... AND - it will be right on Route 31, next to the new Lowes.

can't WAIT!

The Beckoning of Lovely

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0QVQSZA9zSk

watch this video. it's roughly 7 minutes you will never regret. it's beautiful. it's possible. i will be a part of this. one way or another. it's compelling. who's with me?

in awe

i am simply in awe at the selfless acts i am witnessing in the crafting blog world. i am late to jump on the wagon and post about this family. i almost couldn't bring myself to click through to the site of the sister updating the progress. it's the story of the nielsons - stephanie and christian. they were recently involved in a private plane crash and both have suffered tremendous burns. they have four small children. four children. four. i cannot imagine. my breath stops short when i try. it's unimaginable. there family is one that is intertwined in a faith i've never been witness to. and it gives me reason to want to learn. i have added a button should you care to donate to the right. or just blog about it all. pay it forward. be selfless. and hug your loved ones a little bit tighter tonight. (i still don't know how to properly add links that look pretty so here's one for the Nielson's blog and one for their sis who is following their recovery)

much love and kindness back at ya.

www.nieniedialogues.blogspot.com


www.blog.cjanerun.com

lift her up

i am really working hard to turn this blog around and make it a place of inspiration and happy... so it's at this time - i'm asking for some spiritual inspiration and some prayers and a little happy thrown up north. a dear, sweet friend of mine - really - she's like a mother to me - just got some pretty crappy news about a pesky mole situation. she's going to be having surgery to have the rest of everything removed - as it turns out it's a melanoma. she is a strong woman. she is faithful. she is amazing. she is beautiful. she is genuine. she is thoughtful. she is caring. she is 100% totally and completely selfless. always doing for others. she is wise. she will beat this. she will not have to endure much more than remove and repair. because i said so. and i'm praying on it. i'm lifting her up. say a some prayers for her, would ya? that's all. much love to my blog readers. hug someone you love today. they might really need it more than you know.

updates, goodness, and a TOOT oh my...

• will write an entire blog post about the Extreme Makeover Home Edition volunteer gig - soon - promise. really. still circulating the thoughts. lots of goodness.


• had a fabulous weekend complete with a trip to the zoo, the park, and a bonfire.. oh and Yuengling - plenty. of. yummy. Yuengling. I SOOOO needed some alcohol. goodness.


• demo has begun on the downstairs-bedroom-what-used-to-be-my-husbands-man-cave-full-of-1970s-panelling-office. we are shuffling rooms - now that kennedy is getting bigger - her nursery is closing in on her. i'm moving my office downstairs to said man-cave - but it's being completely gutted first. panelling is down, and funky acoustic 12x12 unhip tile square ceiling shit is down. once that room is done to perfection - i move my office/studio down there. kennedy will be moved into my current office - once we repaint and replace flooring in here. Dad will then move is office up to K's current tiny dormer celing type attic room. poof. change is good. winter project begun before fall - good. pure goodness.


• planning to cross off to-do list in completion each day this week. day one - check! goodness.


• oh you wanted to read about the toot? i got an email from Vanessa over at Lotus Paperie http://www.lotuspaperie.blogspot.com/ (yes - i will never know how to type this so that i can just write lotus paperie and then you click in that word and poof! a link!) i digress... got an email from Vanessa this weekend. she digs me. yup. that's right! you guessed it! i'll be the Guest Designer for October. Check check check check it out! My pal Holly Hanks was the GD for August and it's just yummy. just. plain. yummy what she did with the prompts and challenges. i dig what vanessa is all about. and she's just dang sweet to boot! I will be posting sneaks at some point as October comes closer... and i LOVE that month - so expect some ghoulish, fall-y type goodies from me. goodness.


• reconnecting with old friends. this just simply makes me happy. very reminiscent - but oh so happy. goodness.


• oh and i can't post without a photo. see this? goodness.

K just being cute


i grew this all by myself from a bulb...still cannot believe it. there were about 12 blooms altogether and they were about 4 feet tall


huntin toads in the backyard. this shot is priceless

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Urban Prep Kit from SIStv

I've found a new home away from home. it's community. it's heart and soul. it's sisters. it's taken me awhile to get comfortable - but that's just ME. not the site. check it out - they've got some awesome kits, classes, challenges and the swaps are FABULOUS! this month - they are offering the URBAN PREP KIT as shown below...



Available For PreOrder Until 8.24, Spend $50 and Get A $10 Gift Card! Check it out and ORDER. NOW! BECAUSE I SAID SO....and it's simply URBAN. Simply PREP. Simply Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!!!

check it here:

http://www.sistvboutique.com/Default.asp?Redirected=Y

Extreme excitement...

ok - so i'm like jittery... filled with excitement! i received my assignment information today as to where i need to go and at what time on saturday! all i know - is i have to sign in and pick up my SPECIAL ACCESS PASS TO THE VIP TENT!!! can i get a what what??!!!!!!

so yes - i've got one HELL of a date Saturday... check out my boys:









i mean - seriously - who's cooler than ME right now?

Extreme Home Makeover Hits CNY - and...

I WILL BE THERE!!!

Being involved in one of these builds has truly been on my "bucket list" since the show aired and before "The Bucket List" was made. (ok - no I haven't officially written MY Bucket List... but i have ideas for it... Molesting Ty Pennington and crew is on the top.) Seriously - sure who doesn't want to rub elbows with some celebs - but for me? that's truly, hoenstly - NOT what it's all about. I just need to witness this miracle in person. I see it on TV - and I know that it's edited for TV to be hollywodd-ized - but I truly think it's genuine. and I need to feel it. to be a part of it. to take it all in. and be in the moment.

i immediately went to the builder's site - www.mahoneygives.com - to apply to be a volunteer. i then saw that ADP (my employer) was a sponsor. I contacted the builder, they got me in contact with the comittee chairperson for ADP - and poof - before I know it - I am assigned to volunteer at the VIP Tent this Saturday! if that ain't the shit - i dunno WHAT is! I don't know what the VIP Tent is - but i've done enough theatre and stuff - it's important. i may be serving Ty some FIGI water and making hom coffee... i'll TAKE IT! he'll make it into my scrapbook - that's HUGE! so i probably won't be getting my hands dirty or walking on drywall stilts or hanging shingles... but i will be doing something. anything. and that - is what matters.

check back often - as i post updates. you can see the news story here:

www.mahoneygives.com/family

dallas

not much to report
*some* shopping
good eats
great company
lots of learning
equals
one tired momma
heading back home tomorrow
missing my girl like mad
oh and that husband too
i guess
haha

RON IRIZARRY IS ON THE LATE LATE SHOW WITH CRAIG FERGUSON!

SERIOUSLY?

SERIOUSLY!

HOW FRIGGIN COOL IS THIS?

So my humble, humble, dear, sweet friend, Ron, entered this contest on myspace. The contest was to write a song for the movie debuting this Friday, "Henry Poole is Here" starrin Luke Wilson. The folks entering were to watch a 2 minute trailer.... TWO minutes! and come up with a song capturing the heart and soul of the movie. The winner? To have amusic video produced and directed by the great Mark Pellington who brought us U2 3D, some Pearl Jam viedos... he is as Ron puts it - "iconic". Ron got to spend time in LA shooting the video and tomorrow night - is going to be appearing for the first time on Live TV - on the Late Late Show!!! SO TERRIBLY proud of him!!!

So tune in - check him out... you can also see the new video and hear the song here:


http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=40547844

i'm fine. and thanks for asking.

seriously
long overdue post
biopsy is negative
seems i've got a fungus of sorts
on my friggin boob?
yes - they tried to treat it months ago.
it didn't work.
i have a patch of itchy
scaley
skin that won't clear up.
but
i can
live
with
it.
i'm sorry dear sweet blog friends
it took me so long to reply.
i got busy
and planning.
and had to go on a trip.
i'm in dallas for work.
making another post now
to celebrate a dear sweet friend of mine.
again
i'm fine
really
and
thanks for asking.
seriously.
kennedy was right.
again.

kindness.

i had a dr appt today.
i asked my SIL to go with me.
because i knew my husband would say "i have to work".
i decided to go alone.
didn't want to inconvenience anyone.
i'm tired of complaining and hurting.
i'm tired of it always being about me.
tired of always needing someone else.
i wanted to be alone today.
i wept at my desk several different times before i left.
i felt brave.
for the first time in a long time.
i had a wodnerful breakfast with my daughter.
she asked my how my day was.
at 6:30am over pancakes, strawberries and cream.
she was gorgeous in the morning light from the window.
i wanted to cry.
but i didn't.
she rode her bike to the sitter today while i walked beside her.
when did she learn to ride it?
she just knew how to do it.
i was amazed again at her beauty.
i dropped her off.
she said, "have a good day momma. i will miss you today."
sealed it with a kiss and she was off.
i walked back home.
i got through the morning.
i am learning to blow off stupidity from colleagues.
i blew it off about 6 times today.
i went to the doc.
alone.
did i say i was brave today?
i was brave today.
we talked about paget's disease.
he doesn't think i have it.
but he's boggled.
so he did a biopsy.
left breast - one and a half inch incision.
the nurse was kind.
she was warm. and caring.
and she stood right next to me.
a hand on my shoulder.
her other hand in mine.
i didn't ask her to do it.
she knew.
you could see it in her eyes.
or perhaps could she see the fear in mine?
my surgeon is kind.
he's a good man.
he looks like my dad - who i miss more than words can say
it's nothing.
i'm sure it's nothing.
i tell myself it's nothing.
but still.
you think.
it
could
be
something
and so i came home.
took some hydrocodone.
and slept.
i woke up just in time
to see my girl before she went to bed.
she looked more beautiful than ever.
she asked if my boobie boo-boo was better yet.
she rubbed my arm.
she wrapped herself around me leg and said -
you will be better mommy. just wait. you'll see.
i've written recently how awful it has been.
how challenging motherhood has been.
so full of angst, doubt, fear.
and i wouldn't change it for the world.
i'm trying
so
hard
trying
to find good
to find happy
to be kind
trying so hard
just wait.
you'll see.

and i should be sleeping.

i have been so tired.
the kind of tired where you can doze at a stop light.
the kind of tired where it physically hurts to get out of bed.
the kind of tired where you count how many more hours until "bedtime".
the kind of tired that you wish you could go away like the ahsley judd in the Ya-Ya movie and sleep in a drug induced haze for days where no one knows where you are or when you will be back.
i so wanted this blog to make a turn.
to be a happy place to glean inspiration from.
but it's my journal.
and it turns dark so often.
*****
to me it seems like january was just yesterday. and i was sick after having had a endoscopy on new years eve. i spent january sick... to have my liver begin to shut down in april from gall stones left behind from the gall bladder removal last august. after having an outpatient procedure to blast them all out - i figured that was it. i was done and feeling better. i began to lose weight. 22 pounds to be exact. and i thought this was it! my fresh start to a new year. and here - it's almost over already.

and then i noticed it. the lump. left breast. more of the unknown. more worry. the lump. along with some itching. and some scaliness. the lump two docs felt - that didn't show up in a mammo, sono, or MRI. the lump that's still there. the itching that's still there. that was treated with a steroid cream. and is still there. not better and now larger.

i had to go back and ask for anti-anxiety meds again. i went off it in january - and my anxiety is at an all time high again. several different factors playing into that i won't go into now. i digress - at my visit yesterday. i tell the doc - the boob? yeah. still itching. the cream - didnt do a damned thing. he leaves the room to consult some books. he comes back. tells me to get in to see my surgeon immediately and have a biopsy. he says it appears to be Paget's Disease of the Breast. (there is an osteo-related Paget's Disease.. i do NOT have that). I don't know if i have it of the breast either - but Jesus. it's scary. he told me to read up on it - but don't look at the pictures. its like going past an accident and being told not to look. you have to!

i have not told anyone other than my husbamd, my best friend, and my SIL. normally, i blurt it out to anyone. just can't this time. so tired of hearing - "it's prob nothing". i'm scared. and am damn tired of being sick and tired. i took a good, close, hard look at my breast tonight. it's changed. really. changed. i have ignored it for months. afraid to look. but it's just not right.

and i'm tired.
so tired i'm afraid to sleep as i'm afraid for tomorrow to come.
i feel alone.
and scared.
and i am so exhausted i could sleep for days.

surely will update soon... and you're right. it's probably nothing. but i won't stop until i have some answers.

My Pal - RON IRIZARRY - about to be HUGE!!!

click on Press Release Below to read the news! I am SO very proud of this man... you have NO idea. We have known each other for almost 20 years now... and just recently got back in touch last year...he was a HUGE part of my childhood - and only recently - did I get a chance to truly thank him. he had NO idea!! he was one of my best friends in high school. my rock. my salvation most days. and sorry ladies - he's just recently engaged! aww shucks! what a CATCH too!!! Keep your ears open - he's gonna be HUGE!!!!

i am in love...

this is being shipped and on it's way to me...

can you say TALENT this woman has??

holy moses! check out her art! i can assure you there will be many more to come to the May household!!


www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=12725382



happy looking! gotta LOVE me some Etsy!!!

happy happy

not much to report - just thought that title sounded good.. and perhaps if by osmosis - i could feel a little happy - life would be good. let's see... haven't dusted off the ole blog in a few days... things have been a wee lil hectic around here.

daddy has been out of town now for two entire weeks - save for the few hours he was here sunday night and monday night. then i went to my stamp club tuesday - he left wednesday morning and we haven't seen him since. i miss him. truly, genuinely, miss him. my heart hurts kind of missing.

it's been good though - aside from the learning-how-to-handle-a-so-i-am-told-typical-three-year-old - it's finally gotten better. i was trying to swing it week two with no sitter - since mine is on vacation - and i just couldn't do it. thankfully - i have a wonderful friend who i am now proud to call my backup plan. i don't think K will ever want to go anywhere else now - she's been so spoiled! making that choice was the best thing i could do for her AND for me. got loads done at work the last two days and hopefully tomorrow. work... sore - VERY sore subject for me now. anyone hiring??

i have some DT stuff to get done with some October Afternoon product i am DYING to play with - just have had NO time this week or last - and it's killing me. got pics printed - lo's sketched out.. embellies on the ready.. and just not enough time. so tomorrow? tomorrow we scrap! deal? deal! i am taking my hour lunch - and will scrap and will scrap alll night long tomorrow night!

ok - boring post. i know - tired of ranting here in cyberspace. i'm a real downer these days! SO - happy happy!!!

who's reading anyhow? i always say i'm gonna do a RAK and never get enough comments! SO - I will send a fun lil RAK to the TENTH person to comment on this post!!! and promise happy posts for the next TEN DAYS!!!! because afterall - today is the 10th! sounds like a good number!!!

peace and good vibes to my buddy May Flaum and also to my BFF - Joaney - she had a tough day being a momma today.

be good.

"why do you let this get to you..." he says

DISCLAIMER: this blog is a space for me to journal. if you will read the following and assume it's a pity party - then to hell with you. it's not. it's MY journal. just trying to work out some emotional stuff...thankyouverymuch!

ok - so i sit here, it's 11:00pm. I should take a prescribed narcotic (since i'm out of ambien)and just get some sleep already. but my head is reeling. i am doubtful. i am on the edge of what i like to call a parental failure breakdown. i have had two anxiety attacks today - complete with dizziness, chest pains, and an inability to catch my breath. i can do this. i am strong. i can push through. i kept telling myself this today. it worked. on occassion.

my daughter has been having a rough period. she's been having temper tantrums on a whim. they last for hours sometimes. she wakes up with them. she battles, she fights. i do everything in my power to have a plan to prevent them from happening. keeping her focused. having a plan. these things seems to help her. USED TO seem to help her. not anymore. the shape of her cantaloupe in the morning not begin what she expected is enough disaster to create an entirely negative day for her. LITERALLY. everything goes wrong for her. the wrong fork, the wrong shoes, the wrong color of clouds, then not having enough clouds on HER side of the car as we drive down the road. LITERALLY. these are the things she screams and kicks about.

what i don't get here - this REALLY is not her typical behavior. i would not coin her as a spoiled brat. normally, she is respectful, sweet, polite... an all around pleasant child. creative. playful. imaginative. but then it's almost as if something snaps. something turns off and this other kid turns on. and when it happens, it goes on for days. this switch in the child pushes me over the edge. i don't having coping mechanisms for it. her behavior is such that it deems discipline. time out used to work - as little as 1-3 minutes. NOW? she can sit in her time out spot for 30 minutes and scream bloody murder the entire time.

the part that scares me the most is this look i see in her when it happens. it's like something disappears from her eyes. her body is full of rage. she says horrible things. she uses the word hate. i don't say that word in front of her. shit - what the hell - holy cow - yes - she hears those things - but HATE? not even close. i LOATHE hearing that word come from a child's mouth. it's worse than the eff word in my opinion. and she says it - usually under her breath - after i've disciplined her in some way. then when i say, "excuse me?" she says, sweetly, "oh nothing." SHE'S THREE!!! what the hell? so - i digress. the rage will set in. she throws things, she wants to hit - she will begin the blood curdling screaming fits and get to a point of hyperventilating at which point i finally grab her, hold her tight and begin rocking her, usually cradling her and hugging her as tight to me as i can - and at that moment - her body just goes limp. she melts into me. her breathing slows. i feel her little hands tighten around me. she is squeezing me. she is hanging on for dear life.. yet she is limp. it's almost as if - she's just given in and is now exhausted.

AGAIN - this does not happen often - but when it does - it seems like it goes on for days. and you guessed it - never as full blown as i describe here when my husband is home. it's always just her and i. today - i planned an afternoon in the front yard. i got her a bucket, a hand shovel and we were going to plant some seeds and pull weeds. that lasted less than 2 minutes. she wanted her bike. i got the car keys, moved the car out of the driveway, blocked her in the driveway so she could ride her bike. she's still learning and she's petrified of it. she threw a fit. i tried sidewalk chalk. she wanted nothing to do with it. the temper started - we went in the house, she sat in time out, didn't work, so i put her in her room. she fell asleep within minutes. i let her sleep for about 2 hours. she woke up, cranky still, yelling at me. and it lasted for another two hours. ending with her going limp. again.

if you've stayed with me this long, i appreciate ya. if you got some seasoned motherly advice. bring it. i NEED it. i seriously do NOT know what to do.and when i called my husband for some support (he's out of town) he only said again - why do you let her get to you so easily? i wanted to tell him not to bother coming home.

i'm exhausted. going to pop whatever kind of pill i can find that will hopefully help me sleep tonight.

peace and hope for happy thoughts tomorrow. we are going to the dentist and then to see Wall-E...

simply happy.

i mean, i knew she was smart. i knew she was a little advanced. but seriously - at just 3yrs, one month old - is this normal? i mean - do they begin to write at this young an age? seriously? this just makes me happy. simply happy. to see the look on her face at the completion of each letter. like she's just won the lottery. pure joy. elation. simply happy is what she makes me.

well hullo there monday.

i had all these grandiose plans that today - TODAY - monday - was gonna get off to a stellar start. but the truth of the matter is - i'm just plain tired. i was still a good girl today and am being ever so productive and really wrapping up a project WAY ahead of schedule for the first time in 12 months. anyone who is involved in big projects knows that's a HUGE sigh of relief. so that in and of itself makes me happy.

my girlie woke up in a good mood. first time in about 10 days. how can you, at three years old, wake up cranky EVERYDAY? how? my dear Lord - imagine her when her first visit from auntie flo comes... i'm moving out of the country when this child hits puberty! hehehe we got through the morning with no melt downs, no grand mol seizures. let's hope for an even greater afternoon! it's nice out, not too humid - i don't think - so we may just go for a stroll. spent the whole day just about outside yesterday - may be why i am so tired today.

planning to make some banana bread tonight. hate hate to toss bananas because they are a lil too brown. found a yummy sounding recipe in my Deceptively Delicious cookbook. who knew you could sneak cauliflower into your banana bread? it's not so much fun though to sneak stuff in - as this child will eat just about any vegetable you put in front of her - along with fruit. i think i have a vegetarian in the making!

ok - so it's about quittin time for me. i'm off for a shower, a quick snack and it's off to grab my girl.

boring blog post - i know - but hey - it's a boring day.

peace.

and i'm back to regularly scheduled programming...

sometimes, life just gets in the way. birthdays happen.. celebrations take place.. your daughter turns THREE, your mother comes into town - after which you will never again be the same - all of that - and a last minute surprise trip to orlando for a weekend. phew.

then after that - life falls apart. the one thing you cling to the most begins to slip away. and you begin to sink. suffocate. you feel as though you are thrown in with cement blocks to your feet and you suffocate. slowly. painfully. your heart begins to break, each and every day. and reality hits. and you still can't breath. and you really begin to realize if you are as strong as you think you are. and you doubt yourself. and you continue to suffocate. and you cry so many tears your eyes begin to swell shut. you try and breath. and you can't. and it's slipping away. and reality hits again. and you realizes in the words of meredith grey - you are broken. and you want someone to fix you.

it's like having an addiction and the first step to recovery is admitting it and seeking help. i've had a colorful life. one that was never easy. one full of turmoil and struggle. but as i get older - i realize - i've created some of it and am in control of the rest of it. how it will all turn out. happiness is not easy. you have to find it. you've got to feel it from within. you've got to create it. you've got to know it - embrace it - master it. and still - it will never be easy.

but what i've come to realize is that once you begin to work on it.. everything else just falls into place. i have a very dear friend who is like a mother to me. she's taught me recently to hand things over. give it to someone else. pray. i always prayed for strength. strength to get me through, to help me through, to lead me over the obstacles. but you know what He does? to give you strength - He places more obstacles in your path. she then taught me not to pray for strength, but to pray for peace of mind. i began doing that and little by little - clarity began to sink in. my chest felt a little lighter each day. and the obstacles are not as frequent.

i am no longer suffocating and what could have been a tragic, horrible change in my life - was soon averted. it's a slow process. but i'm working on it. on my own. because without my own happiness and purpose - what good am i to someone else? i also learned - i am not the only one to blame. everything really is NOT all my fault. and that's ok too.

ok - kids - if you can read between the lines, it might make sense why i haven't blogged in AGES. i simply couldn't find the words. life's taken some interesting turns for me very recently. and i will get back to a bloggin like a regular habit. it's good for me. whether or not anyone reads, comments, whatever - i'm getting it out of me and out into the universe. and that my friends, is the best thing i know.

peace.

ok - so i failed. kinda.

i promised to post pics of my lists for 2 weeks. well - on my list was - "spend less time during the day on the internet!" and i've succeeded.

i am keeping lists.
i am sticking to them.
i am accomplishing things.
i feel productive at the end of most days.

on another note - if you lack a thyroid - you know - the guy that is like your body's shop foreman? yeah. take your synthroid DAILY. don't skip two days in a row. unless of course you want to feel what it must feel like to die a slow and painful death. sunday - i couldn't figure out why i was falling asleep sitting up all the while everything including my HAIR hurt... i realized at about 11pm sunday night, i missed my pills - i think thursday, friday , and maybe saturday? i woke up monday like i was on CRACK! i was so hyper! it was GRAND. take your PILLS!

the weather here.
gorgeous.
my newest, littlest, cutest, most gorgeous baby in my family in three years...
marvelous.
lilliana grace came into my life on thursday.
i got an hourly play by play text message from my bro.
love him.
he even texted me when the head was crowning.
soon as she came out
i flew down 81 like a madwoman.
gorgeous.
instant love affair.
momma and daddy are doing awesome.
my SIL - a CHAMP. baby was almost 9 pounds!

ok - folks - happy tuesday! I am supposed to be doing a PIF RAK... so i need some comments people! LOTS OF THEM! tell your friends!!! I will chose my RAK recipients from the comments by Friday...

peace.

I'm stinkin it up in here...

i'm tootin again!!! woo hoo!

i can't believe i neglected to post this earlier...

i had a project requested for publication by Paper Trends Magazine this month! I was/am SO over the top excited!!!! Issue comes out in August/September!!!

i'm just gonna keep on submitting... eventually some manufacturer will pick me up because in the words of Stuart Smalley:

"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggonnit! Peaople LIKE ME!"

to do list

it's something i never used to start my days without. something i felt i couldn't function without. it was the way i began and ended each day. i made lists. i would commute to work, make the lsit in my head. stop for my coffee and breakfast something or other. get to my desk. get out notepad - make list for the day. as i went through the day, i highlighted the items i had completed. (funny - i learned recently - one of my brothers does the same thing!) at the end of the day - i would recap the list, add items to it for morning, clean up my desk - putting EVERYTHING away. wipe down desk. and go home.

my life is drastically different now. i work from home. i'm a mom. i seriously disorganized. i stopped making lists. things get missed. forgotten. past due. undone. chaos. to most, i seem pretty together and on top of things. it's all an act. i'm the one screeching into the parking lot daily with breaks on and grabbing the last damn parking spot.




enter today. i'm bringin list back. and i'm makin it a habit. i will post my list here each day for the next two work weeks. that's all it takes for me, personally, to develop a habit. i figure a nice frilly, spring time mug is in order for my morning coffee... since i no longer get the commute or the stop at starbucks.. though on SOME days - i DO make a stop.

make today a great day and here's to hoping i get this damn list complete today!

“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” ~ Oscar Wilde

can i get a - PHEW!

so - the last few weeks have been rough - to say the least. BUT - it's ove and we are cancer free. what was discovered with the breast MRI was NOTHING in the left side - which is the "problem" side - but a small cyst in my right side. i had to go BACK for yet another test on friday. they found a teeny, tiny cyst in a lypmh node in my right breast. I am told "nothing to worry about - only to monitor". So - that's a good thing. for now. i finally slept. well - for a few hours.

enter - the three year old from hell! we had a bad storm friday night/saturday morning. began at 3:30 am sharp. Kennedy woke up and hollered out - "Momma - it's too scary in my room - get ME!" we snuggled in my bed for a bit until she declared it was time to head downstairs and have a snack! at 3:45am!!!! oi vey! for the LOVE OF GOD!

i can't even remember now what i gave her to snack on but i DO remember, when she was done - she said - and i quote - "um, momma? i'm all done with my snack now. i think you should wake up and make us some breakfast. don't you think?" i gave in. i made a smart alec comment to her of course (gee wonder where she gets it from) and said to heck with it! I may as well get up and seize the day! it was WEIGH IN SATURDAY anyhow!!! and yes ladies - i am down another 2 pounds. still at a loss for 22 - as i gained 2 the couple of weeks before and then lost this two... but heck - 22 since January! that's rockin if i do say so myself!

let's see.. what else? I applied for a manufacturer design team this week! I will tell you more when i know for certain - but there was a little bit'o'kismet that pushed me to do it - ever so last minute!

work is slowly getting better. i had my review on friday. it was stellar. i maxed out my increase AND tacked on an additonal 4% to my raise as i got a title promotion... lateral - but still - mo money mo money! life is grand. but i would downplay it if i said i earned. i friggin worked my arse off to earn it! for two flippin years! i am scheduled to take the first full week in May off and it cannot seriously get here fast enough.

i've been creating. and it feels good. i knocked out some stuff for the DT over at We B Scrappin... got handed some stuff that at first i wasn't crazy about - but turns out i fell in LOVE with! New Fancy Pants and Fiskars Kimberly Poloson! pure love.i sewed a little sundress for Kennedy this weekend.. will post a pic when she's cooperating...and i did the taxes. yes. did them myself. with a little help from H&R block online... still saved $75 by doing myself... AND a nice little refund.

ok - folks - i think i'm falling asleep typing. now i KNOW i have stalkers out there..leave a comment or two or three. i am supposed to be doing a Pay It Forward RAK courtesy of my great friend MELONIE who's birthday is today!!!! but i want to know who's reading this... perhaps i will RAK it upon YOU!!! POST POST PEOPLES!!!


New Upsy Daisy Product... that i am now in LOVE with!

Fancy Pants love....

more Fancy Pants love...

and a fun trip to the zoo on i think the first real day of spring here!


peace.

www.feelyourboobies.com

so - my "girls" have seen a whole lot more action in the last three weeks than probably the last three years! after a week of waiting to see a surgeon at my doctor's request - surgeon tells me same damn thing the radiologist told me. YOU NEED AN MRI! Jesus H. Christ. I am LIVID. so - the surgeon feels the lump. he tells my my nipple looks very irritated and sore... and do they always look that dry? um - yeah.. NO! not ever. he tells me this. "i've operated on you twice now. first your thyroid, then your gall bladder. each time - you had to fight with docs to get them to see something was wrong. i am 90% sure this lump is probably nothing. but you are a rare patient. you are very in tune with your body. and you know when something's not right. so until i see a clean MRI.. i'm sticking with 90%. sorry to make you wait longer - but we need to be 100%."

my surgeon is a saint. i think the nurse thought i was crazy. as the lumpy boob is being manhandled by Dr Tyler.. i am sitting up, arm up over my head, thryoid scar exposed and then the 4 scars on my belly from the GB removal exposed... I say -"yeah - most women my age like to get tatoos. I personally prefer getting scarred up by Dr. Tyler!" he laughed. the nurse - not so much. i mean - come on - this guy is a saint. it's like i've got his autograph all over me. most people can't even tell he slashed right into my neck and spent four hours taking out as he put it "the most diseased thyroid i've ever seen!"

so. i sit. and wait. and i cry. and i'm not very nice right now. and i am telling people trying to comfort me.. if you tell me one more friggin time it's probably nothing - i will puke all over you. because to ME? RIGHT NOW? it's SOMETHING. damnit. i just want to scream.

35 next month. 35 years old. and this is what i am worrying about right now. unfrigginbelievable. i really don't even know who all reads this rant i put out here... but if i've got your attention this long. feel your boobies. seriously. get them checked. i discovered this problem about four months ago. i kept it a secret. yes ME.. i kept my mouth shut. for a VERY long time. telling no one. denying myself.

will update when i know more.

peace.

She said, "I want to tell you a monkey story..." & updates...

right after she asked for a banana. I said of course! do tell do tell!

and so she began:

"once upon a time, there was a little monkey. he was very very hungry. so he asked his momma for a banana. they were not green anymore so she said ok. he peeled and peeled and peeeeeeeeled the skin off. he ate his banana. and he ate. and ate. and ate. and ate and ate some more. he ate so his belly was very very full. he drank some water. it was so good. he loved his banana. and his momma. and his dadda. and his bailey. he was soooo happy. the end."

this told to me tonight by my not quite three year old. is it me or is the child simply amazing?

Update...

So today i went for it. i got to experience first hand the machine women are convinced was invented by a man. as i'm sure it was. i held it together pretty well all day. my husband met me there. just knowing he was in the waiting room was supposed to be enough. it wasn't. the tech talked to me a little, told me about the test. asked if i was ok and ready to get started. i lost it. here i am, right boob flopped into this machine, she says, "here - come here." she puts her arms out like your mom would after a really bad day. and i just sunk. this complete stranger. it was like that kleenex commercial where people sit down in the middle of traffic and pour their hearts out to a complete stranger. i'm vulnerable, half naked, hugging a complete stranger. and blubbering like a complete idiot. this woman is now a saint to me. she handled breasts all day long and probably is responsible for finding breast cancer in tons of patients. she was kind. thoughtful. and really caring.i calmed instantly. she took my mind off of things. she reassured me. asked me about my daughter. she is a good person. and it WILL come back around to her someday. i am sure of it. the world needs more people like her.

it really wasn't so bad. the mammogram. it wasn't painful, just uncomfortable. but "the girls" are pretty large AND saggy so it's easy to flop em up on in the vice gripper i suppose. the tech did the exam. radiologist read them. she did ANOTHER exam of the left side. she said - your tissue is very dense. that's not good. we can't get a good look but he sees something there. nice. they do a sonogram. she leaves, radiologist reads it. he comes in with the tech. they examine the left side again. i hear lots of hmms, that's it. yup, not sure. there's something there. they tell me, because my tissue is so dense, it will require an MRI to rule out any cancerous mass. that's the first time i heard that word loud and clear. and i about peed my pants. again, he said, it's probably nothing. but a mammogram misses cancerous diagnosis in women with dense tissue by 16%. MRI only 1-3% chance of missing something. this is the best course of action. he's a good man. he's thorough. i appreciated that.

but now? i have to wait. he's got to write up a report for my doc. my doc has to get authorization for the MRI. then i have to get an appt. no fun for me. though - sure - i keep saying - it's probably nothing. so that is where i am at.

still a mess. angry. angry at the world right now. and taking it out on my husband. he could have been more compassionate. more sincere. given me a hug or something. told me it was ok to cry. but no. i'm screaming on the inside because i don't feel i have the right to scream and yell and be angry. and cry. i just don't. and that makes me even more angry.

so. i'm content to be angry for a few more weeks. so long as i can end my day with a monkey story or two. it makes all the sadness and pain i'm feeling on the inside so totally worth every minute of it.

peace.

irony

so - i made an appointment for my doc a couple of weeks ago - for something i didn't want to talk about. something i was denying. then - poof - out of the clear blue - i get a whopping case of bronchitis on sunday. i call in sick to work monday. sleep all day. go to the doc yesterday.

problem was, and i was afraid to even say this outloud, i found a lump in my left breast. now - of course - i know it's common. i know we all have them. but you can't tell me for one fucking minute you don't freak out when you hear a doctor say, "wow, yeah - there does seem to be something there. it's about 3cm. well - it's probably nothing, but we need to do a mammogram to check for cancer just to be on the safe side. though - ITS PROBABLY NOTHING. might just be a blocked milk duct."

probably nothing. and he's probably right. but when you have a family. and when you have a daughter. that probably nothing flashes like probably something every 5-10 minutes before my eyes. don't post and tell me it's probably nothing. as i know that. it's probably not. but Jesus. anyone who knows me KNOWS i've had my fair share of health problems in just the last 2.5 months - let alone the last 5 years. i am TRYING SO HARD to take better care of myself. because without me - my family's got nothing, right? so WHY ME? oh and on the up side - i've lost 22 pounds since my doctor saw me last. he couldn't believe the difference!

so anyhow - bare with me as i rant. this is where i come to for it. it's really hard to talk to my husband as my pessimism is HIS biggest pet peeve of me. so i rant. out into the world.

oh and the post title. irony. look at my blog banner. i laugh at it. irony.

peace.

goodness

my sitter - pure goodness - this woman. teaches my child awesome things. at breakfast today, kennedy quizzed me:

her: what's rule #1?
me: huh?
her: one at a time!
her: what's rule #2?
me: um dunno?
her: drink in between!
her: what's rule #3?
me: hmmm.. tell me.. (I am intrigued at this point at the sheer brilliance of my not even 3 year old)
her: take little bites!!!

my sitter then calls me this morning asking if i would like homemade veggie bean burgers and homemade pita slices grilled in garlic and olive oil... umm - need you ask me TWICE? bring it sister! she shows up, lets herself in - leaves me a to go package on the dining table - let's herself out - and i never even know she's here!

pure random thoughtful goodness. do a little on your own today for someone least expectng it.

peace!

yes... everybody POOPS!

and tonight - it was my girlie Q!!! on the POTTY!!! I am OVER THE TOP excited to share this news. I was not home to witness it - but was at my monthly card club when i got The Call. I hear this little voice on the other end - suddenly get VERY loud and say (shrieking with excitement) "Momma!!! I pooped! I pooped! Go get Hungry Hippos PLEASE!!!"

We had resorted to bribery. and hey - whatever works! my child is well mannered, polite, and VERY respectful for not quite three. if I have to bribe her on occasion - I am not above it. So get Hungry Hippos I did, along with new panties, new jammies, and the coolest, biggest Littlest Pet Shop Toy Target had on hand! I could NOT get home fast enough tonight! I drove about 85 mph the entire way home!

When I walked in the door she literally jumped up into my arms and squeezed me SO tight! When I asked her what happened she clearly reported this: "I pooped. On THE potty! All by myself. I was a good girl! It looked like a potato!!!" I cried with laughter! A POTATO????? YES! A POTATO!!!

LOVE that kid. we played about 30 rounds of Hungry hungry Hippos, because as she will tell you - their bellies just couldn't get full enough! I also realized tonight - Momma is in love with the littlest Pet Shops. I mean - they are SO stinkin CUTE! And boy - do those guys know how to have fun! The clubhouse came complete with a swingin vine, basket, AND skateboard! woo hoo!

i am one proud, tired, broke momma tonight. and i wouldn't have it any other poopin way!

winter.

we thought we'd skate right on through without it. we thought we were lucky. we never really had to deal with it. not really. and then - the last week of febraury. it's here. winter! i am not a fan of being hot. so i typically enjoy the winter. i don't get active in it and actually exert myself, oh no. but i love the quiet. the temporary blanket of clean. the temporary cover up of all the really crappy houses that exist in upstate ny. did i mention the quiet? i'm a fan of quiet. so i woke up this morning to a beautiful cover of snow and peace and quiet. love it.

my night time hours, not so much. i've been having nightmares lately. vivid, i'm screaming out in my sleep kind of nightmares. last night was one in which my neighbors house was surrounded by swat and the husband (and no Kathy - since i KNOW you stalk my blog - it was my other neighbors - not you guys! hehe)had barracaded himself in with some sort of military rifle... and his wife and family were locked in a bathroom. i could see all of this in technicolor in my dream, from my bedroom window. my dreams are usually premonitions too, seems like. i dreamt last week my best friend's husband was having trouble with his diabetes again and was about to have his foot amputated. i called her the next day and told her and she said he had just got home from the doctor and has a severe infection in his toe. freaks us out. her husband calls us "Charmed". i had a nightmare two weeks ago that we were victims of a home invasion and i was shot. not killed, but shot. ron said i was yelling out in my sleep and i woke up crying. strange, eh? some battle is going on in my head while i sleep. PHEW! think it's time to get a refill of the good ole ambien!

not much other excitement going on here these days. an unruly 3 year old... going through a phase. we HOPE... ahh parenthood. i've got a horrible cold. i'm blaming girls at We B that were sick on saturday. i haven't been sick with sinuses in almost 3 months. i spend one day with a coughy, runny nose bunch, and POOF. sick. my nose is cracked. i can't stop it from running. i have sinus head.

in light of all that - i'm being productive at work this week - thank GOD. as it's only getting busier. i get to travel next month to texas. kind of excited about that. always like the personal interaction with my co-workers. i'm fortunate - i've got a pretty amazing bunch of folks on my team that i just adore. so i'm really looking forward to the trip. not to mention - i will get to go to Sam Moon, IKEA and hopefully the container store! not that i will be able to BUY anything, but I will be able to go! hehehe

have a splenderific wednesday people! ciao!