i have another secret. i've got to let it out. i can't hold it in any longer. i had an affair. that's right. i'd had enough. i felt cheated. i felt taken advantage of. left broke. SO I CHEATED ON MY HAIRDRESSER! she'll be upset - i'm sure. but i'm broke. trying to save my pennies. since the 10th grade - i had colored my own hair becuase in was in the 10th grade i found my first grey hair. 10th GRADE. when i got my first part time job in 11th grade, the first thing i spent my first pay check on was a visit to a salon, where in 1988 i spent $100 getting my hair cut and colored. stupid then. but a truth was learned. you DO get what you pay for. and i always visited top notch - pricey salons from then on out. spending $90-100 today doesn't seem like a ton to me to pay for someone to give me confidence - cut my hair just so so that you can't tell i'm prematurely balding - or is it called female pattern baldness? who knows... seriously though - my hair is super sup-AH thin... BUT - it's time to cut expenses. so - tonight - i saved myself about 85 bucks - and i must say - my hair looks pretty damn skippy. i'd take a pic - but i need to charge the batteries for the camera - and quite honestly - i'm too damn lazy.
in other news - don't know if i mentioned. i joined WW three weeks ago. i did this seven years ago - and it worked. but you've got to work it. and workin it i IS! i feel great - today. tomorrow may be another story - but today - well - it was a good day. my scale shows me down about 7 pounds. saturday we will know the REAL #. i've got to keep this up. for the first time in YEARS - i can actually picture myself thin. not skinny - not going for that. but thin. shapely and thin. i've never pictured it before. for years - i've pictured myself as that frumpy mom who never leaves the house without some sort of sweatsuit, bad hair, sneakers, and no sense of fashion whatsoever. and lo and behold - that's what i've become. it's changing. one baby step at a time. nothing in the world tastes as good as being thin feels.
1.23.2008
what's in a name?
found this whilst surfing tonight. procrastinating. and it's pretty damn funny. except for the laid back and adventurous part - since i'm NOT - it's got me pretty well pegged. what's in a name, eh?
| What Shelley Means |
 You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong. You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know. You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do. You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out. Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia. Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow. You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily. Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is. You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in. You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising. You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care. |
1.20.2008
financial fear and prayer?
i've got a dirty little secret that i think millions of americans do. i hide it and don't talk about it to anyone but my best friend in the entire world. i lack the ability to manage money. i do not know how to stick to a budget. i have a wonderful job that pays me very well. sometimes i wonder - wow - they pay me THIS much to do this job? and work from home? in my jammies. and yet i am in danger of having my electricity shut off nearly every other month.
i never had good examples to follow. my parents were foolish with money. my mother still is. she is 71 years old, has no "plan", no retirement, she still works full-time. she has NO assets. she lives in an apartment with a room-mate. she collect social security and still works as a full time nanny. NO plan. no savings. no credit. nothing. my father pissed away his earnings on alcohol and toys - boats, cars, etc. i swore i would never be like my parents. and here i sit - just like them.
this is the year to change things. it's become such a constant source of fear for me - i sit awake nights worrying and agonizing over it. wondering how to change it. and then i constantly question faith. i pray. on occasion. i believe in a greater good. God. a higher power. i really do. things happen to me for a reason and i can always tell when they're happening - that there's a greater reason lying ahead. so why am i so afraid of faith? i read about other people's experience with it. my best friend's husband tells me - if you pray on it and hand it over to the Lord - he will answer your prayers and carry your burdens for you. i've SEEN this first hand - WORK for others! i've witnessed it. but still - i linger in faith.
i'm embarrased at my "state of affairs". so much so i don't know where to start sometimes. seriously afraid. i was supposed to go away on the 1-2 of February with one of my dear friends. i got very ill two weeks ago - and my immediate thought was to cancel the trip. i needed to stay close to home and be well and focus on my health. tonight - i learned my dear friend had something happen to her yesterday that will prevent her from going on the trip completely. this IS divine intervention. she felt awful. but we talked through it. we both know there is a reason we are not to drive two hours in the winter to Elmira. there is a reason we are to be close to home. we'll figure it out when the weekend comes. for me - an immediate reason is finances. it wa s a committment i made that i really cannot afford right now. i COULD when i MADE the committment. but things have changed. life happens. it's the first of the year and with all of my health problems - i had to shell out my deductible in one week. normally takes several months! for my friend and i - someone is trying to tell us something.
then another dear friend asked a favor of some friends. it wasn't much. and i jump up and raise my hand high to help out. becuase it was a simple, selfless request. paying it forward is the way i look at it. simple. i can pay it forward all day long. becuase i know, faith or not, that one of these days, it will ALL come around back to me. it has to. i've been paying it forward for months now.
so - will i think about praying tonight before bed. you betcha. will i actually get around to doing it? i think just maybe i might. will someone reach out and offer me some guidance on putting an end to all of my financial worry? a hand up instead of a hand out? i doubt it. but hey - then again - you never know.
so to my sweet friend who got my head a thinkin and my heart a pouring out - i just want you to know how grand i think you are. i think you doubt yourself sometimes and your goodness. but girl - you've got so much goodness it spills out of you and your husband. daily - i would imagine. much love to you sister!
night night. make it a GREAT monday.
peace.
i never had good examples to follow. my parents were foolish with money. my mother still is. she is 71 years old, has no "plan", no retirement, she still works full-time. she has NO assets. she lives in an apartment with a room-mate. she collect social security and still works as a full time nanny. NO plan. no savings. no credit. nothing. my father pissed away his earnings on alcohol and toys - boats, cars, etc. i swore i would never be like my parents. and here i sit - just like them.
this is the year to change things. it's become such a constant source of fear for me - i sit awake nights worrying and agonizing over it. wondering how to change it. and then i constantly question faith. i pray. on occasion. i believe in a greater good. God. a higher power. i really do. things happen to me for a reason and i can always tell when they're happening - that there's a greater reason lying ahead. so why am i so afraid of faith? i read about other people's experience with it. my best friend's husband tells me - if you pray on it and hand it over to the Lord - he will answer your prayers and carry your burdens for you. i've SEEN this first hand - WORK for others! i've witnessed it. but still - i linger in faith.
i'm embarrased at my "state of affairs". so much so i don't know where to start sometimes. seriously afraid. i was supposed to go away on the 1-2 of February with one of my dear friends. i got very ill two weeks ago - and my immediate thought was to cancel the trip. i needed to stay close to home and be well and focus on my health. tonight - i learned my dear friend had something happen to her yesterday that will prevent her from going on the trip completely. this IS divine intervention. she felt awful. but we talked through it. we both know there is a reason we are not to drive two hours in the winter to Elmira. there is a reason we are to be close to home. we'll figure it out when the weekend comes. for me - an immediate reason is finances. it wa s a committment i made that i really cannot afford right now. i COULD when i MADE the committment. but things have changed. life happens. it's the first of the year and with all of my health problems - i had to shell out my deductible in one week. normally takes several months! for my friend and i - someone is trying to tell us something.
then another dear friend asked a favor of some friends. it wasn't much. and i jump up and raise my hand high to help out. becuase it was a simple, selfless request. paying it forward is the way i look at it. simple. i can pay it forward all day long. becuase i know, faith or not, that one of these days, it will ALL come around back to me. it has to. i've been paying it forward for months now.
so - will i think about praying tonight before bed. you betcha. will i actually get around to doing it? i think just maybe i might. will someone reach out and offer me some guidance on putting an end to all of my financial worry? a hand up instead of a hand out? i doubt it. but hey - then again - you never know.
so to my sweet friend who got my head a thinkin and my heart a pouring out - i just want you to know how grand i think you are. i think you doubt yourself sometimes and your goodness. but girl - you've got so much goodness it spills out of you and your husband. daily - i would imagine. much love to you sister!
night night. make it a GREAT monday.
peace.
1.15.2008
and i'm back to work - blech.
- back to work
- don't like to be back to work
- feeling loads better
- 3 days no stomach pain - AND - my doc called me personally to check in with me. that NEVER happens.
- see 2nd bullet
- i have kept my kitchen clean two nights in a ROW. that's history in the making.
- made ron's lunch two nights in a row. also history.
- trying to be a better mom and wife.
- trying to get organized. trying...
- trying to make today a great day.
happy tuesday!
1.12.2008
momma - you HAVE to breathe - you HAVE TO!!!
as told to me by my officially now 2.5 year old daughter. TWO AND A HALF! the first full week of a new year went like this:
- monday - work - very productive
- monday - late afternoon - stomach pain returns
- monday - dinner time - call ronnie - i need to go to urgent care, he tells me. he takes me. it's 5, it's 7, it's 10pm. they tell me i have IBS. i don't agree, they send me home.
- monday/tuesday morning - 230am - i wake from a sound sleep unable to breath normally and with severe chest pains. i scream out to ronnie 2 things... CALL 911. never in my life had to say that. ever. and at that very moment, truly felt it was the last time i would ever speak. the screaming and howling woke kennedy. she saw the whole thing. i am certain she is now terrified. she keeps saying - i am crying because my momma is hurting. fix her fix her make her better, please. she's hurting. this makes me angry she is now seeing this. makes me even angrier not one god-damned family member picked up their phone. i ALWAYS answer the phone when it rings several times in the middle of the night - over and over again. you know it's a fucking emergency. was in ER until 700am tues.
- tuesday morning - sent home from ER after 4 baby asperin, 4 nitro glycerin, ativan, and two things shot up my IV for pain. doctor came in - NEVER TOUCHED ME ONCE. didn't feel stomach, chest, listen to heart - NOTHING. ordered a chest xray. tells me, oh you just had a really bad acid reflux attack. i don't agree. she sends me home.
- tuesday - all day - slept. ached. moaned. puked.
- wednesday - wake up - still in pain. in bathroom, heaving, moaning, crying. kennedy walks in, closes the door behind her. puts her hands on her hips."MOMMA - YOU HAVE TO BREATHE!" i say excuse me? she tells me again. "YOU HAVE TO BREATHE!!!" she demonstrates this time, deep breathing, slowly - in and out. i am now convinced my 2.5 year old toddler is reincarnated. she's too damned smart. call ronnie, pain is getting worse. ask him to come home at 8am. i go to pee. pee is almost black. i call ronnie freaking out. he tells me to call doc. they rush me in to see doc. more blood work. i am bruised on both arms like a junkie now. renal ultrasound. liver ultrasound. stomach ultrasound. pee in a cup. no blood in urine - but bilirubin in urine. blood work shows liver is not functioning. schedule ECRP with gastro doc on friday. theory is gallstones left over from removal back in august or hepatitis. HEPA - what the fuck? i fall apart. they finally give me lortab for pain. we go home. it's after 4pm. we have been at the dr since 1030am. unreal.
- wednesday - all evening - pain. tears. pain. screaming. more tears. questions. phone calls. i'm loosing it. i don't understand. why me? what have i done? what if it's not just a gallstone? then what? my first thought - my liver doesn't work. i have hepatitis. my step brother died of liver cancer - caused by hepatitis. i fall apart some more. i have taken 2 lortab. no relief. i take 4 more. i pass out. finally. relief.
- thursday - no pain. are you kidding me? still dark pee. still freaking out. now i've got to deal with handing off work shit because we have no idea if i will be admitted to hospital at this point. i spend 3.5 hours sending, receiving, answering emails, online chatting with my mentor questioning why the hell everyone around us is so damned stupid. blatantly stupid. really stupid. i hand off all my work to her. she is a saint. a savior. a godsend. truly my work bff. she gets me. i get her. she gets my back - i always get hers. i am thankful. but still questioning the pure stupidity of those around us. it's a timewaster. we just have to accept what is. they are stoo.pid. i take more pain meds. i really need to shit. didn't realize. narcotics constipate you. just what i need on top of everything else. oh how i love life. - and did i mention? i took a bath to try and calm down and when i drained it - there was some confusion apparently in the pipes - as i heard the toilet gurlging about an hour later, mentioned it to ron - he said hmmmm - i went to puke one more time before bed - and oh - the fucking bathroom was flooded! jesus.h.christ.
- friday - i wake - almost hoping to be admitted into the hospital where i don't feel guilty for asking people to wait on me. it's what they get paid for. my husband? he's tired of waiting on me. he's been doing it the past 5 years. 5 years of medical hell. we are barely speaking at this point. and you'll notice - no where in this post so far - have i mentioned any sort of food. it's because i haven't eaten since monday. and i can't. and don't care to. everything he tried to give me in his best attempt at taking care of me - i couldn't stomach or keep down.
- friday - afternoon - we finally leave for hospital. i am actually happy to just be out of the house. it makes me anxious. everything is behind at the hospital because as you guessed it - we showed up early and more than on time. shame on us. my appt was at 4. we had to be there 2 hours prior. had to get poked with a needle three more times in order to get an IV going. i have now been poked with a needle 10 times this week. three ivs. 3 blood draws. you do the math. my body does not like needles. and when i say please get the IV Team - i think it comes out as kiss my ass and eat shit. they NEVER LISTEN. so i think they like to poke me for what they THINK they heard rather than what i said. i'm a professional patient. people should listen to me.
- friday - evening - when i come to - i notice it is about 700pm. i recover ok. a little pain and some nausea, both of which my sweet sweet nurse was quick to solve. my doc who i now adore tells me he *thinks* i did pass a stone(s) and that all of my biliary ducts were swollen and lined with sludge - so liver really wasn't functioning well at all. he blasted them clean - sucked out the junk. i also had some bleeding internally - where? i can't remember where he said - but i do recall something about him saying - it was recent and he repaired with a balloon like substance. he tells me i should now be pain free. we finally come home around 8pm.
- friday - late evening - i am feeling pretty good. can only have clear diet. i eat sherbert - i don't get the clear - but they said i could and it tasted so friggin good. i had some chicken broth - since the sherbert made my throat sore - i wanted something hot. i was content. for the first time in about 10 full days. i slept. like. a. baby. pain. free. all. night.
- saturday - a completely pain free - wait - what's that? my fucking period? you've have.got.to.be.fucking.kidding.me. have i pissed off the health gods? i can't take any sort of pain med for the next couple of weeks - except for tylenol. tylenol does not a damn thing for this old body. stomach pain - gone. period cramps. yup. the only thing ot brighten my week? my dear friend bon bon and the scrappy friends i have locally. they all pitched in and bon bon brought me thee sweetest bouquet of cheery beautiful flowers in the prettiest lil teacup and saucer ive ever seen. i am guessing it will most likely be my daily coffee mug for some time... these girls. so sweet. so. so. thoughtful. made my day.
so - what've you been up to this week? can you top it?
so much for change, eh? oh well - here's to a better next week.
ciao.
1.04.2008
rippin it up...
we live in an old house. i call it the house in the ghetto. i've yet to live in a nice home as an adult. now, my condos, my apartments in my 20's - friggin ROCKED! brand new - no one else's funk. before i met my husband i rented a 1 bedroom condo in southern california with a beautiful balcony overlooking the Saddleback Mountains, I had cathedral ceilings, gorgeous berber carpet, a gas fireplace that turned on with the flip of a switch. the biggest bedroom i've ever had. more closet than a girl knows what to do with. AND a HUGE sunken jacuzzi tub. ahhhhhh, the single days. i miss them sometimes. as a married girl - one dumpy rental home after another. well - only 3 to be exact. i fall in love with charm apparently and a staged to rent place and then realize after the lease is signed - the previous tenants truly were pigs.
the ghetto abode, well - it was staged great when we rented it. they had candles burning. everything was tidy and neat - and DIMLY LIT. i was pregnant. i wanted a cute little home, in a quiet neighborhood with no traffic. (we lived on Route 31 prior to this one) we moved in - being pregnant, i couldn't get down and really deep clean like i should have. and then the baby comes, and you're preoccupied with all that no sleeping non-sense - who has TIME to clean - and then a toddler - and the snowball affect has taken over. this house we ended up buying after our 1 year lease was up. we've yet to have the money to do any improvements. except for K's room. of course - her room HAD to be perfect. new carpet, new walls, new everything. perfect.
so the home is approximately 60 years old. it's in rough shape. it's stuck in a time warp of the 1970's transitioning into the 80's - as is the previous tenant's wife's hair. (hehehe - that explains a LOT.) i counted the other night as we sat on the couch and dreamt about what we'd like to do. there are NINE different types of ceiling in this house. and not ONE is drywall. what was the friggin fascination with acoustic/drop/tin/and YES even WOOD panel squares ceilings? you should SEE my BEDROOM! it looks like something from Ripley's it's so strange. so we decided. if it takes us 10 years to get things they way we want - we will do it - because in 10 years - we will be mortgage free. we've got half assed half finished projects ALL over the house. paint the walls... trim never gets done.. it's unreal. both my fault AND his.. but I blame him. hehehe
so today - he came home early. he said - i want to take a look up here and see what needs to be done. up here being the upstairs attic that was converted into three teeny tiny bedrooms probably in 1960. there is an area in between all the bedrooms big enough to be a comfy lil play area. i'm imagining big comfy throw floor pillows, a small flat screen.. and i mean like 13-20 inches small on the wall with dvd player, books, and a big comfy chair for momma. so we are going to do it. might take us a year. but will will complete it. baby steps. i digress.. TODAY.. the carpet came up. the carpet in the play area and on the stairs. would you believe, more 1960's horror? some sort of linoleum squares that were supposed to have looked like wood? the stairs are painted dark baby shit brown wood. but the carpet is gone. it already smells fresher up here. and CLEANER. the dirt that accumulates under carpet - new OR old house - is just revolting.
so - it begins. hopefully - someday - i'll have some progress to post visually. for now... it's baby steps. and time to start perusing for ideas and colors schemes. something playful, girly and bright. but not so girly daddy won't want to crash and snuggle and watch movies.
so - in true Ali E. form - i think the word this year will be CHANGE. change in me, both physically, mentally (continuing), and environmentally. it's a good year.
the ghetto abode, well - it was staged great when we rented it. they had candles burning. everything was tidy and neat - and DIMLY LIT. i was pregnant. i wanted a cute little home, in a quiet neighborhood with no traffic. (we lived on Route 31 prior to this one) we moved in - being pregnant, i couldn't get down and really deep clean like i should have. and then the baby comes, and you're preoccupied with all that no sleeping non-sense - who has TIME to clean - and then a toddler - and the snowball affect has taken over. this house we ended up buying after our 1 year lease was up. we've yet to have the money to do any improvements. except for K's room. of course - her room HAD to be perfect. new carpet, new walls, new everything. perfect.
so the home is approximately 60 years old. it's in rough shape. it's stuck in a time warp of the 1970's transitioning into the 80's - as is the previous tenant's wife's hair. (hehehe - that explains a LOT.) i counted the other night as we sat on the couch and dreamt about what we'd like to do. there are NINE different types of ceiling in this house. and not ONE is drywall. what was the friggin fascination with acoustic/drop/tin/and YES even WOOD panel squares ceilings? you should SEE my BEDROOM! it looks like something from Ripley's it's so strange. so we decided. if it takes us 10 years to get things they way we want - we will do it - because in 10 years - we will be mortgage free. we've got half assed half finished projects ALL over the house. paint the walls... trim never gets done.. it's unreal. both my fault AND his.. but I blame him. hehehe
so today - he came home early. he said - i want to take a look up here and see what needs to be done. up here being the upstairs attic that was converted into three teeny tiny bedrooms probably in 1960. there is an area in between all the bedrooms big enough to be a comfy lil play area. i'm imagining big comfy throw floor pillows, a small flat screen.. and i mean like 13-20 inches small on the wall with dvd player, books, and a big comfy chair for momma. so we are going to do it. might take us a year. but will will complete it. baby steps. i digress.. TODAY.. the carpet came up. the carpet in the play area and on the stairs. would you believe, more 1960's horror? some sort of linoleum squares that were supposed to have looked like wood? the stairs are painted dark baby shit brown wood. but the carpet is gone. it already smells fresher up here. and CLEANER. the dirt that accumulates under carpet - new OR old house - is just revolting.
so - it begins. hopefully - someday - i'll have some progress to post visually. for now... it's baby steps. and time to start perusing for ideas and colors schemes. something playful, girly and bright. but not so girly daddy won't want to crash and snuggle and watch movies.
so - in true Ali E. form - i think the word this year will be CHANGE. change in me, both physically, mentally (continuing), and environmentally. it's a good year.
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