the ladybugs visit & suicide

and while normally, one would be grossed out by bugs in the house - no one ever is with ladybugs. they are supposed to be good luck. they are cute. i was intrigued by them. they came for a visit. to my studio. they hung out above my head, all night, while i created stuff into the wee hours of the morning. they would move, crawl around, but always managed to end up right back above my head. felt as though they were lookin down to see what i was making. i felt inspired. yup. by two lil bug-a-boos. today, when i walked back into said studio? ladybug suicide.

that about summed up my day.

the last several weeks have been rough. personally, professionally, creatively. i finally realized it was up to me to make it shift. i'm the only one in control. i'm the only one who can fix what's "off" within. so i did. i reclaimed my tuesdays. you see, the husbands have golf league, or a bowling league, or in another week, i'm told... football season starts. god help me. so i took tuesdays. it's my night. it's my bowling league if you will. i did this for about a year solid, and i would often find myself in a class of some kind, at barnes and noble sippin a mocha, readin some mags, wandering aisles of target while things leapt off the shelves into my cart - who cares? was MY TIME! i did things that made me happy. simple things. really simple. so i took it back. last night.

and i had visitors. the ladybugs. and it was grand. we drank chai tea, we shut my studio door, and we created. i had the best evening. i made one layout and started an altered printer tray from 7Gypsies. scrappingoodness, i tell ya! i have been sper, duper inspired by some lovely women at scrapgal . such an awesome group... that's really where the mojo started... but i over-did it. i stayed up too late. and today was rough. ladybug suicide and all.

kennedy woke up in a mood of sorts which caused me to take away a "lovie".. you'd think i cut off her right arm and fed it to her for breakfast. she cried, she screamed, she wailed, she kicked, she convulsed, and it all ended with her hyperventilating. all over a damn stuffed bear. Pink Bear - her sister - she tells me. she broke down, we made up, i calmed her down. the child is just out of sorts. and so we go. ladybug suicide.

i just am happy this day is over. thankful i get to do it all over again tomorrow. i have to have a ct scan tomorrow morning... say some prayers for me. i am grateful i have insurance to cover these kinds of things, grateful to have a job. blessed to be stressed. but i will be even happier if tomorrow, there are no ladybug suicides.

peace. be good.

under construction...

attempting to re-design blog.. please excuse the mess.

Dear Kennedy - August

Dear Kennedy,

I hope to God that August brings you not only a shift in the weather, but a divine shift in your attitude and outlook on your little life. In the last several days you have:

• yelled at us
• hit us
• hissed at us
• growled at us
• stomped at us
• screeched at the top of your lungs at us
• thrown things at us
• told me you'd never speak to us again
• told me us didn't like us
• disobeyed us
• been un-thankful towards us
• been downright hateful towards us

these last several weeks it has been very difficult for me to parent, be consistent and set expectations with you. you wake up angry. pissed off at the world. i have tried everything to combat this. i have tried to wake up hours before you, so that you don't storm into my room, screaming at me telling me to wake up now and beginning your day with a barrage of i wants.

tonight? i have had it. i am done. i am exhausted. i am beat down. i am tired. i am worn out. i allow myself to feel like it is not okay to feel any of this. that i should just let it go. not let it get to me. ignore it. what is not understood by some is that if i do any of this, it allows the behavior to perpetuate and become a habit for you. i refuse, with all that i am, to allow that to happen.

although all of this horrible behavior from you has beaten me down so low, i feel like i am incompetent, one thing remains consistent, i have never once, even for an instant, stopped loving you. i just don't understand you. i can't comprehend what in your little big life makes you so angry. you have everything. you have two parents who rise and set each day because you exist. we do everything for you, with you. we play, we explore, we try new things together. we read, we make art, we watch movies, we experience life with you. we constantly give to you. of ourselves, our time, our very being is yours for the taking. if you'll just have it.

i don't know what more i can do, but show you tough love. i will continue to take things away from you and restrict you until you learn. i will continue to enforce the positive behavior in such a way you'd think a circus came to town, but i will not, for an instant, ignore the negative behavior. i will deal with it, you will not like it, and i don't care. because i love you. and i insist you become a good person. a sweet person. a respectful person. an empathetic person. a likable person. because i will not accept anything less from you. someday, this will all make sense to you. for now, you will, i guess, think i'm horrible on the best of days.

i just hope it shifts very soon. momma cannot tolerate too many more bad days like this. again, i've never stopped loving you, not even for an instant. i have a mad, crazy love for you that grows stronger every moment. never forget that.

love with all my heart,

momma

something is shifting...

...and i don't understand it. and it's making me angry. see - i've been working really hard. working to be better. to be a better me. a better momma. a better daughter. a better wife. a better friend. things have begun to fall into place. life is easier. happiness has found a place by my side. i notice the little things. i take it all in. and i'm enjoying the moments found.

however, all around me? it's shifting. i have witnessed loss, deception, pain, fear, anger, sadness. my heart breaks for things i have no control over. goodness has shifted into my soul - and yet around me, it's seeping away. i have an urgency to do more. to contribute. to make a difference. more so than ever.

i've been crying a lot lately. but something has shifted. it's not tears for myself. it's grief i'm feeling for others. i want to be selfish for a minute and think: maybe now i'm able to do so because i'm no longer so self-absorbed in my own sadness. we'll go with that. i like that. and i'm pushed. i'm pushed to do more.

not quite sure what MORE is yet. but providing i continue on this new path of mine, something MORE will show itself to me. and i won't have to try so hard to find it.

be good, people. peace.

sweet sixteen.

and no... i'm not talking basketball brackets or even a birthday. i'm talkin pants, ladies and gentlemen. pants. the last time my a$$ saw a size 16 was about 10 years ago. TEN YEARS. now i've not lost a whole lot of weight (about 40 pounds now) but holy crap. that's 4 sizes smaller for me. i was running anywhere from a 20 to 22... ssshhhhhhh! could never shop in misses. was forced to "womens" or the lame giant... i wanted to scream in the dressing room. i simply grabbed a 16 to see how much more i had to go. i put one leg in. pulled them up a bit, realized the other leg would also fit - and then they were up. on my hips. and zipped. without lying down to do it! holy CRAP-A-NOLIE! i am really losing weight. i don't so much care about a number i want to weigh. it's all about how i feel. my first goal was lofty - i wanted to weigh less than my husband. i now do! he's got about 7 pounds on me! my next goal, was to go down a pant size. holy crap! done that, too. now - my next small goal... get below 220. that's all. i'm oh so close. so that will be a piece of cake.



while i hope i'm not sounding boastful - i'm just sharing. i want everyone to join me. everyone who's struggling. i've become a distributor for Herbalife. this was simply so that i could get a discount, but hell, now you can buy from me and join me on this weight loss journey. i have another goal. when i am below 220, i plan to start moving my body. i want to start up a fitness challenge... not sure of how i'm going to do this yet... but stay tuned. and join me would ya? email me for more details... shelleymay@att.net



be good folks - and have a fabulous weekend!

american honey

so - my daughter is a bit of a music junkie. at not-quite-five - her music tastes range anywhere from john mayer, regina spektor, to lady antebellum. i always thought the voice of a child was something to hear. something special, even when off key and singing from their toes, i always thought it was beautiful. until i realized my daughter could really, actually sing. it's magical. it takes my breath away, often moving me to tears. she has a freakish knack for memorizing song lyrics just like her momma. she keeps beat and rhythm. she can point out specific instruments in a song, and she doesn't even really know how to play one yet.

now, i like to somehow take credit for this on occasion as i sang to her while i was pregnant. a LOT. yet i am not a very good singer. i was the girl always cast in the non-singing lead roles in the musicals. could not ever carry a tune. yet - i sing like it's nobody's business. i'm a rock star. in the car. and in the house when no one is home. we have music playing each and every night still, when kennedy goes to bed. it's always on in the car.

i digress. the girl can sing. as i hear her belting things out from the backseat, i often notice lyrics floating up into my mind. this one recent fav of hers is american honey, by lady antebellum. she sings of "she grew up slow, she grew up goooood, like american honey." this resonated inside me tonight in a way it hadn't yet. it made me remember, be present. enjoy each little bit. allow her to grow up slow. don't let her get big too fast. she kept telling us at dinner tonight that she knew how to behave like a lady at a restaurant, because she was a big girl. and big girls can do whatever they want. slow down. be present. grow up slow. grow up good, sweet girl.

as things are finally beginning to shift in my life, i'm realizing more and more of the little things. the slow parts. taking it all in. letting it float around and savoring it like honey. i just need to remember now, slow down. be present. happiness just comes. it's not forced anymore. i will never forget something a high school sweetheart wrote to me many, many years ago - "i am beginning to thaw."

be present. be happy. and slow it down. like american honey.

refreshed. renewed.

so - cliche as it sounds, dusting the ole blog off. facebook updates just aren't cutting it for me these days, and i feel the need to shout from the rooftops how incredibly awesome i am feeling these days.

i have this friend. lance. i used to work for his sister, heather. she's one of my best friends. my husband used to work for lance. we've all been friends for a very, very long time. as long as i've known lance, he's been a big guy. his whole family has struggled with their weight as long as i've known them. heather and i used to do weight watchers together. i lost almost 60 pounds on ww many years ago. fast. little did i know, at the time, i had grave's disease. quick weight loss was a side affect. i was just helping it along a little. life moved on, i got married, and the weight just kept on coming. i had thyroid removed, and the weight was even harder to lose. then pregnancy, then one health issue after another, the weight just stuck around. and packed on.

i've not felt good for years. meaning, miserable, depressed, out of breath... just plain fat. i was fat. and i was in denial. now, let me set you straight - i was not the binge, overeat kid of fat. i was the - i live a totally sedentary lifestyle and made really bad choices kind of fat. i have never been one to really eat in excess. i'm just a girl who knows a good scone and piece of cake! don't forget the french fries... oh and for the love of chips and dip.

i digress. lance. and his wife marlene.

i'd friended lance on facebook. i'd noticed lance started working out. i thought, wow - good for lance! then i'd noticed lance was really losing some weight. then he started shouting from the rooftops. so i got nosey. i emailed and asked him what he was doing. simple. herbalife. i'd heard about it before, i thought - ugh - another diet.. pills and shakes. blech. i doubted. i thought it had to taste bad and was probably overpriced. he pointed me in the direction of his wife, marlene. she assured me the smoothies were fabulous and tasted wonderful. so i said, heck - i've got nothing in the world to lose but some of my ass! :) so i ordered.

i visited lance and marlene's site. i ordered the 3-2-1 weight loss management which consists of smoothie mix, a multi-vitamin, and a cell activator. all natural. all vitamins. this was exactly three weeks ago. i have lost 11 pounds. ELEVEN! I have lost a total of about 37 pounds since December - as i got a jump start being sick over the holidays! i am on air! seriously. i can't imagine putting this weight back on. let me tell you a few of the things i've noticed... and this is no exaggeration:

• i'm smaller. i am already down a whole size in clothing
• i have energy. like the i can barely sit still long enough to blog kind of energy
• the whites of my eyes look whiter
• my hair is growing
• my nails are growing
• my skin has color back to it. i no longer look like a vampire
• the circles under my eyes are gone
• the blue in my eyes looks blue-er
• did i mention i have energy?
• i am tired at the end of the day (contemplating stopping the ambien)
• i feel rested in the morning
• i am genuinely happier. without trying
• i find it easier to make better food choices
• shitty food upsets my stomach. quickly
• my skins feels better
• i am taking things in stride (this never happens)

all in all, i hit bottom. i needed a shift in my life. the last time i remember weighing in at the doc, i was 267 pounds. there. i said it outloud. 267. sickening. this was in october, novemeber, and then again in december. and i denied it. never. again.

i will be checking in here, keeping it real, keeping it honest. i'm interested to have some folks on the journey with me. even going to become a distributor for herbalife. why not, right? the truth is in my waist line. and according to my daughter, kennedy: i'm gonna be one hot momma.

be happy.

dinner anxiety fading. it's a wrap people.

so tonight was dinner planned night #3. wow. amazing as i went through my day today, i had little stress or anxiety over how the day was going to end. what a relief! AND - it was a stressful day - work wise. though i honestly would not have it any other way - as i constantly remind myself - i am blessed to be stressed!



i digress... tonight, i planned chicken wraps. monday nights are bowling nights for dh, so i like to try things i know he wouldn't care for. he leaves right about the time i get done with work, so it makes sense. the wraps were easy, simple, and healthy - all things considered. these wraps were quick, simple, and tasted down right delish. they were lacking a lil something, my mom and i decided next time, i would add some dried cranberries and a touch more seasonings... i paired mine with a spinach, pesto, olive wrap, but could also go with plain flour wraps.

CHICKEN WRAPS from "Delicious Suppers" (recipe serves 4)

• 2/3 C plain yogurt
• 1 tbsp wholegrain mustard
• pepper
• 10oz cooked skinless, boneless chicken breast, diced
• 5 oz iceberg lettuce, shredded
• 3 oz cucumber, thinly sliced
• 2 celery stalks, sliced
• 1/2 C black seedless grapes, halved
• flour tortillas of your choice (or yummy flavored ones!)

Combine yogurt and mustard in a bowl and season to taste with pepper. Stir in the chicken and toss until coated. Put the lettuce, cukes, celery and grapes into another bowl and mix well. Fill tortillas, and wrap it up - and the best part? ENJOY!

I have to tell ya - i am really, really enjoying this journey. three days of stress free evenings thanks to have a plan and sticking to it. i am really looking forward to growing in this area of my life. i know it sounds really simple - but this? THIS is a huge change for me. a big shift in the right direction. i've had anxiety over grocery shopping for almost 5 years now. meaning, i pull into the parking lot, my heart starts racing, and i have to do an internal pep talk to make myself face my fear and go INTO the grocery store. you see, i'd get very anxious and uptight in the grocery store. people leaving their carts in the way? BIG issue for me. big shift in a BAD direction for me.

i'm not quite sure how that developed, but i am fairly certain it came up some time during the period when i "hit bottom" as i like to call it with grave's disease. i developed short term (temporary) memory loss. i had to write down everything. simple things, such as, go to gas station. check. get GAS. check. go to store. check. take list. check. shop for items on list. check. one thing i didn't realize would happen, was that while in the store, once i remembered why i was there and what i was to do, was that i'd soon forget where my car was parked. so developed this huge anxiety over grocery shopping... due to one trip. one experience, that somehow, changed me for good. right before i had surgery, i went to the store to stock up on all the things i knew we would need while i was recovering for 8 weeks. i had hit bottom, my resting heart rate was 150 bpm, i was no longer sleeping, i couldn't keep food in my system, and here i was, at the grocery store.i barely got what i needed, left, and the minute i stepped outside, i realized... i could not remember where i parked. could not even recollect for a minute which row i went down. which side the car was on. forget it. and i started racing. my heart was pounding. i was going up and down every aisle, and i must have looked very frantic, as some sweet older man stopped to ask me if i was okay. i began bawling.. sobbing. telling him my life story, as he took the keys out of my hand, hit the panic button on the key fob, pushed my cart and said "follow me. i hear your car." this scared the shit out of me, and for weeks after, i was petrified to leave the house alone. thankful for the kindness of strangers.

bet you didn't expect all that and a bag of chips. but this is how my mind works. i hate the grocery store. it causes me anxiety. i don't plan for the trip. i always, ALWAYS forget LOADS of things i need for meals. i never take a list. i never plan. therefore, dinner is chaotic for me. and a scramble. but this simple shift in the right direction? good things. good friggin things. and it is... that's right people say it with me.. it IS OK.

peace.

the meals.. so far...

the first night of meal planning was subs. i neglected to take pics. but they were quick, easy, and fabulous. wegman's deli rocks and they always have the best selection of meats and cheese. i picked up a half a pound of each - garlic & sage turkey, peppercorn turkey, & peppercorn ham. some awesome kaiser rolls fresh from the bakery - easy-peasy. done.

tonight was my night to try a new recipe. chili was fabulous. i used this recipe. not only was it easy? it was fabulous. i doubled it so i will have plenty of leftovers. i say I - because hubs did not like it and daughter did not either. oh well. more leftovers for me and a lesson taught to the girlie. if she does not eat what is served at dinner, she will not get anything else for the night. she will eat breakfast the following day. sounds harsh, but she will learn eventually. i refuse to cook many different meals. period. and that is ok. and it is me being MORE.

had to photo the chili ingredients, and then, after much drama about what was being served for dinner, i neglected to take a pic of the final outcome. you'll have to trust me.. it looked pretty and the cornbread was just like the real deal from the restuarant!

you must have things rolling around inside your head...

as said to me by my husband when i was caught photographing the meal i was about to prepare. he just doesn't get it. i explained to him, i was "of the norm" in blog-world. he still - just doesn't get it. i just laughed and told him to leave me alone. i was thinking of a good blog post.

so - the new year. phew. it finally came. the holidays were a bust and i am SO glad they are over. many things in my life were confirmed and hit me like a ton of bricks. i took a good look at all of it, and finally realized and learned - how i feel about things? it IS ok. period. nuff said. i am no longer going to live a life hoping others will include us and make us feel welcome. i am no longer going to put my time and family aside to accommodate others schedules. i'm over it. and it IS ok. big, major life lessons learned. finally. phew. new year. stronger values. stronger commitment to be a better me. i follow Ali's blog regularly and have participated in her "one little word" idea each year. this year? MORE. more about us. more time. more organization. more play. more love. more of what we love. more confidence. more motivation. more acceptance of the things i cannot change. just plain more. more blogging. more creativity. more me so i can give more to them. more. i welcome it.

along those lines and that being said...

one thing i've always struggled with is meal planning. most of you that follow me, know i work from home full time. fabulous as that might seem, i do not sit around and eat bon-bons all day long. i do not get to do laundry and housework during the day. i am a slave to my job every day. working from home, you have an inability to shut the work off. it becomes tough to draw the line. and the worst thing? i don't have time alone, after work, to drive home, blare the music, stop for a coffee, and decompress from my day. that precious time is exactly that - precious. i get done with work, i shut off the computer, and i'm on. i'm mom. i shut the office door, walk downstairs, and there they are. everyone. waiting for me to decide what to have for dinner. waiting for me to orchestrate the evening. dinner, playtime, bath, preparing for the next day, housework, laundry. it just all waits for me.

i've taken a step to alleviate this stress from my world. i am committed to planning dinner menus out. this way, there is never a question. there is no double duty in meal cooking - making something different for everyone. here's the menu. you don't like it? you will go hungry until breakfast. done. so far - so good! we are past day two. here's my approach:

• keep it simple
• try one new recipe per week
• write down the meals
• make a list for groceries needed
• STICK TO THE LIST
• blog about it. (here's my accountability factor!)

here's the menu for the week. I will plan menus Saturday morning before heading to the store:

• Sat Night - Subs and Chips with side of fruit (I opt for the good deli meat and buy 3-4 diff kinds to give everyone a choice)
• Sun Night - Chili. Found my recipe for this on KraftFoods.
• Mon Night - Grilled Chicken Wraps with a side of fresh fruit
• Tue Night - Twice Baked Loaded Potatoes & Salad
• Wed Night - Pasta & Salad
• Thu Night - Pork Loin, Roasted Potatoes, Salad
• Fri Night - Frozen Pizza & Salad

so that's what we've been up to. new year. more goodness.

keep checking back. i'm full of inspiration and ideas and might even tackle a project or two very soon.

peace.