....that....woman....

See this sweet, innocent face? So pure and innocent? YEAH. check that thought. this child has entered.. that's right, people. the terrible effin twos! I actually called my mother from the parking lot of target saturday after this sweet and innocent being had a complete meltdown that lasted from the pharmacy all the way out to the car, and said, "ok, mother, so tell me... at what age is it again safe to take children into public?"

i always used to comment, when i was young, single, un-mothered.. if you will.. about "those women". you know you all did it. "why on earth would that woman bring her child out if they are tired/cranky.miserable..." etc etc. you KNOW you did it. i KNOW i did it. and i solemnly swore to my mother... "i will NEVER be that woman". well, ladies, the jig is up. you don't purposely become THAT woman. it just happens. it happens when you least expect it. and you realize as you are pouring sweat down your forehead, standing at the pharmacy counter, picking up your anti-anxiety medication, that you are having an anxiety attack right then and there because a two year old little being has ultimately become possessed by some force stronger than you know.. called THE TEMPER TANTRUM.

i became that woman. people made comments to me as i passed. people said things to me in the parking lot, as though they had any idea what i as going through? "oh, looks like the little princess is tired!" - OR - "oh look at that little cutie.. she must be just having a bad day!".. NO!!! I say.. she's having a bad WEEK!!!! I didn't just say this.. in retrospect, i think i yelled this. i was that woman. CRAZY. DISTURBED. wondering.. how in the HELL did I get here? no one prepared me for this. this wasn't in the countless books i read.

i don't know how to deal with this. other than leave her home. all the time. do my errands between the hours of 8 and 10pm... thank GOD target is open that late and that my grocery store is open 24/7. i guess it too shall pass. as i write, i tend to dramatize it a little for writings sake... no i don't... what the eff am i thinking? it really happened like that. i then remarked to my husband this weekend... how do i cope with this? i'm not cut out for this. i don't have the skills. is this something i can learn? there is no reasoning with a force stronger than nature. this child has a temper like fire. and i've been hit, kicked, slapped.. you name it. yes. she's two.

so, oh great mothering reader presence. teach me. drop your words of wisdom. tell your friends... one of us is sinking, and she needs a life raft... ME! (really, i love my girl.. and life with her is more grand than i ever dreamed...i just can't skip a dose or two of the anxiety meds...hahahhaha)

have a SUPER monday. i have a new outlook for this week... and am going to approach the child like i approach work... i have to learn to be more proactive and keep her occupied enough that she won't have time to have a tantrum... yeah. good luck with that.

I know she'll be okay...

but a constant surge of "what ifs" continaully pulsate through my mind. I have to take Kennedy for a renal ultrasound tomorrow. This all stems from a discovery we had back in late April. She has a genetic rib anomoly - fancy doctor talk for.. there is something wrong with one of your daughter's ribs, but we are not sure what. her fourth rib on the right side, connects to the breast done with what appears to be a Y shaped connection. this causes her to have what is simply put - a bird chest. not noticable to strangers.

but to me? it stands out like a sore thumb. a reminder that not everything is perfect. a reminder on a daily basis, each time i change her shirt.. that what if? what if this is just the beginning of medical visits, and hospitals and tests. what if i am being too paranoid? i mean honestly, is there such a thing when it comes to your child? i think not.

the renal ultrasound is being done because one of the problems the "anomoly" with her rib can cause, is to her kidneys. this being a precaution, the doctors tell me. they think nothing is wrong, it's only a precaution. again, a daily reminder, what if? a reminder each time i change her diaper, i think.. why is she peeing so much? is something wrong withher kidneys? i keep these fears to myself. i over-react to myself. i'm scared. i hide that fact. plain and simple.

what makes matters worse tomorrow? i have to go to this appointment alone. will i ask the right questions? will she let me calm her and take care of her? she's been so attached to daddy lately.. will i do a good enough job? what if i can't calm her down? again, i'm scared. this appointment leads to a follow up withe the pediatric orthopaedic specialist, and then a visit in september for some genetic testing. i won't even get into the details of all of that right now, it's too much for my nerves to take. let's just say, again, we are told, it is precautionary. muscular dystrophy is on both sides of my family... MY immediate family. she was born with a loose hip, a late walker, and her feet still roll in a little too much for my liking. and yeah, did i mention that a chest xray showed initially she may have scoliosis... yet they "think" it's only positional?

i DO know she'll be okay. but i have every right to be scared. every right to be paranoid. ever right to be extra cautious. it is what makes me her momma. but i can still be scared. right?

AND THE WINNER IS.....

ALYSON!!!!

Love that you stuck it out with your BFF.. who is a BOY!!! and that you are STILL able to have wonderful relationships with each other and your new families and loves!

Please email me your info so I can send you a lil somethin somethin!

and tell me.. how did YOU find my blog? curious!!!

make it a great day, girls!

do YOU have ESPN?

ok, so i was tagged by my super talented online friend, katrina http://katyat34.typepad.com/being_30something/ (who still has not added me to her sidebar of REALLY cool blog friends....hahaha) to update my blog... i just feel as though i haven't had anything enlightening or remotely fun to rant about lately.... but my best friend has been on my mind a lot today... so i present to you.. oh faithful and small group of blog readers.. an ode to Joaney....

the ESPn title? a silly joke between my very best friend and i. we have now been friends for WOW... 19 years. yes, it was 9th grade. we were in algebra. she was a not so nice girl in my class who used to give the teacher a hard time and chat up a storm with her buddy tenika.i caught her cheating off of my work one day and asking me for help. i said, "sure, help yourself to my answers, i'm failing this class." it was all too apparent she had been cheating off of me for quite some time. she too, was failing the class. we became fast friends. we had such different lives, but so parallel at the same time. we had different friends. different interests. but something bonded us. some sort of E.S.P.n as we call it. we are in tune with one another. we just know. we know when we need to make one another's phone ring. we just know. why? i don't know. it's like a compelling force that often times makes me pick up the phone if only to tell her i was thinking about her and i love her. i often marvel at our friendship. we've only spent physical time together maybe a combined two weeks in the last 10 years? i missed her first wedding. i was too busy smoking pot and drinking. i didn't think she should be getting married. and i told her that many years later, after she divorced. i had a bad feeling and that i didn't have the courage or wisdom to tell her that 12 years ago. i missed her second wedding. but i was there in her heart and that of her new husband's. he is her other half. her completion. and i knew it in my heart. she missed my wedding. but she was there. it was her i felt standing beside me even though she wasn't. she lives in the south. i live in the north. we couldn't be more different. i often wonder how i can be so lucky. she is my sister that was chosen for me. i attribute my life to her on several different occasions, she's talked me in off the ledge. so, the ESPN? i know when she's going through a rough spot. she knows when i'm going through it. she's coming to spend a week with me the end of this summer and i feel like i am 16 again. we are going to a concert together while she's here. already planning our outfits... what we'll do before the concert... i guess a last ditch effort at reclaiming our youth... since her son asked... "mom, do you and aunt shelley really think you're all that?" she replied, "yes, all that AND a bag o' chips." yo!

so tell me.. who's your ESPn connection? do you know what i mean? who's the one person you can't go a day without connecting? do you realize how grateful you should be to have that one person? tell me about it... i'm trying to get some traffic to my site...so tell your friends, tell the famous... come read me... i will meander through my comments and pick my fav.. the one that reaches deepest to my soul and inspires me... and send a lil RAK... posts must be made by 12 midnight eastern time, saturday july 14th.

and we are teaching kennedy the "what up dog" hand tap.... pretty cute for a 2 year old... to go, "uh" (top hand tap) "uh" (bottom hand tap) "wassupdawggie" (front hand tap) (think hand in a fist, uh uh what up dog?) yeah, she pretty much rocks.

PROZAC NATION

not only my title... but one of my favorite books from my early 20's by elizabeth wurtzel.

my post - short and sweet.

if the entire world would take some sort of antidepressant, the world would be a better place. i have the courage to admit my head isn't always right. those that don't, are the crazy ones. i actually feel sorry for them.

the end.

Chicago Soundtrack and Scrappy Girlfirends

wow! why did I NOT buy this soundtrack after the movie came out??? I downloaded it yesterday... and i had forgotten how much I LOVE this flippin music!!!

And if you're good to momma....

"They say that life is tit for tat
And that's the way I live
So, I deserve a lot of tat
For what I've got to give
Don't you know that this hand
Washes that one too
When you're good to Mama
Mama's good to you!"

that is SO a role I could see myself playing!!! man! Queen ROCKED IT OUT!

So tonight.. I get to meet MY HOLLY!!! I can't effin WAIT! now holly lives just about handful of miles from me... and we met online! crazy, eh? well, we share the same scrappy passion... and she's as nutty and goofy as I am... so, we've been courting each other online, and tonight is our first "date"!!! Of course there will be at least 10 of us at her house.. who the hell knows what she's got up her sleeve.. but i am certain it is bound to be crazy! CAN'T WAIT!

hope you all have a splendid Friday... my funk started to lift a couple of days ago... so life is not lookin so bleak! thank GOD for drugs! hahahaha

ciao!

nothing good to say monday

so, i've been in a funk for about 10 days now. it all began, of course, with an argument with the hubby. i just can't shake it. some ugly things were said.. and they've resonated in my mind for ten days now. i have a three day theory... if i can mull over something for three days and get over it, it's gone. if i can't, it's worth bringing up over and over again. yeah - he doesn't see it this way. i got home from my trip, almost wishing i hadn't. i wanted to cry when i walked in the house. but know that DD is the age, she understands mommy is sad if i cry, i can't do it in front of her.

so. here i am. in a funk. i created most of the day saturday. thinking that would help. it did.. temporarily. i created some (i think anyhow) good stuff. a couple of gifts for my best friend's first new home. i hope she will love them. but the funk it keeps arising! man. can't shake it. fell asleep to it, woke up in the middle of the night to it, so much so, i think i was having a panic attack in my sleep. woke up short of breath and had gasping pains in my chest and upper back. i turned over, they passed. and go figure, i had one of those dreams that i kept waking from all night and kept falling right back in where i left off. to keep it short... i could NOT for the life of me, make it to the alter on time... go figure.

and yeah, instead of working, like i should be doing. i'm bloggin. hoping i can release some of the funk "out there" and one of my goody goody girlfriends will come back with some amazing advice i have yet to hear.

have a splendiforous monday. i'm gonna turn the music up load and try to shake this funk away.

peace out.

Pull my Finger and I'm Taggin...

Ok, so... thanks for pulling my finger. I tooted! it's a small toot, but a toot just the same. I've got a LO posted on the http://www.cosmocricket.com site. woo hoo!!!

and my new, dear, sweet, adorable friend Nicolehttp://www.nicolecarro.blogspot.com/... and i normally don't do those email fwds, tags, quizzes... but heck.. it's a good way to get to know people, yo!!! so here's the deal.... and YO! if i tag you.. you BETTER respond.... because you KNOW i am a NY-er and you KNOW us NY-ers have connections, yo!

haha, really though. respond. damnit! I want to know more about you too!!!

so here's the rules:

These are the rules.... each player starts with 7 random fact about themselves on their Blog. People who are tagged need to blog 7 facts about themselves and post the rules as well. At the end of the blog list 7 people you are tagging. Let them know that they are tagged by leaving them a comment.

1. my daddy was an undertaker. yup, i've been dropped off and picked up from school in the herse. and yeah. death doesn't freak me out so much. and heck... think of the job security in THAT industry!!! really!
2. i've got great lips. not being narcissistic... i do. they're full. they're pouty. so much so, i had a client ask me once... "wow! you've got great lips. where did you get them done?" i cracked up. only in THIS generation do those sorts of questions get asked.
3. i love being a mom more than i ever thought i would. in what other career are you treated like a rock stor everyday by your number one fan!!!! "mommmmaaaa!!! you're HEAR!!!" after i've just left the room for 10 minutes!
4. i have THEE ugliest feet of any woman i've ever known.
5. i began acting in theatre when i was 7 and i danced for 12 years. really thought i'd have a career in performing arts. what the hell happened?
6. along the lines of 5... i really would like to be a stand up comedianne someday. really. my life? one big stand up routine. it all began when my dad called the fire department to our house when i was 7, because i overflowed the toilet!!! material. i've got good friggin material.
7. i have had a ton of jobs in my young life... adult life only two in the last 11 years... but as a youngin... ive made dentures, taken pictures at JCP, cleaned pools, been a nanny, a barista, a hostess, a manager of a tow truck company, shoe salesperson, retail shop clerk, and CEO of my very own lemonade stand!

ok, so i tag you:

1. Jen - http://arttalk-sigmagirl.blogspot.com/
2. Leslye, y'all! - my new HEB chica! http://doyougiveascrap.blogspot.com/
3. Ali E - http://www.aliedwards.typepad.com/
4. Stacy J - http://stacysbigpicture.typepad.com/
5. Kat - http://katyat34.typepad.com/being_30something/
6. GINA - http://gina-scraps.blogspot.com/
7. DEBBIE - http://silverpooloflight.blogspot.com/

GET THEE TO WE B......

So, I am fortunate and honored to be an Island Girl for We B Scrappin. This is my LSS and not only are the owners, Pam and Kathy, top notch... the customer service you get is a force to be reckoned with. They always welcome you in with a big smile and that is even from Judy, Pam's Mom, when she is hiding under the cash register from the UPS and FedEx men!!!

The products in that store are so versatile, eclectic and just plain fun. And if I don't see something I want, a simple mention to the girls, and POOF, it's ordered for you! Now that is just awesome.

The latest, most coolest, most greatest addition to We B, is the Message board and KIT CLUB!!! This KIT ROCKS!!! Nicole is the one who puts all of these yummy goodies together for you... i mean just plain gorgeous.. so yummy.. you want to eat them up! I suggest you wander on over to the Island... NOW.. and check them out! A feature has recently been added to the Kit Club page, that allows you to see past months kits! I have been thrilled with each and every one so far! Not to mention the reasonable price... for the amount of quality items you get in the kits... TOTALLY worth it! Let me not forget to mention the awesome friendships that are to be found on the message boards. I can honestly say, I think I've met some lifelong friends already! The ideas and inspiration you find on that board... AWESOME! AND.. did I mention we were International!????? Yeah, that's right.. WE REALLY ARE A BIG DEAL!!!

So... I demand you.. GO HERE NOW!!!!

http://www.webscrappin.com

You will not be sorry!

Happy Friday!!!

Oh my.. Miss Stacy Julian... I *heart* you!

long blathering post... beware...

It all began in February. the pre-registration for CKC Buffalo. i had been the year before. still considering myself a newbie. i wasn't excited to see the "celebs".. couldn't pick most of them out from the crowd. this year... I'm an old-timer. deep in the trenches of supply hoarding and the like. come on.. you ALL know what i mean. don't deny it. you do it to. and i follow the "celebs" daily. yes, i have coffee with Ali, Cathy, Donna, Heidi, Stacy, Tara... in that order, since i have my favorites alphabetized. i feel like i know them. i post comments, most times. but i feel like a stalker. but then i realize, you know what? these are just normal people. just like me. they blog. i blog. they create. i create. i have musician love affairs in my head. so does CZ. hey, it's a common thread. if we lived near each other.. they would WANT to be my friends... hahahaha, I'm just that cool!

all kidding and smartassedness aside. this weekend, while at CKC.. i fell in love. i fell hard. i took Stacy Julian's class, "Finish Line Scrapbooking". all i can say is.. wow. that woman. she. amazed. me. period. i was in such a good place mentally and so happy to be at that convention, which left my mind open and ready to soak up any new knowledge like a sponge. and i did. i had bought Stacy's book a while back.. and i just wasn't getting it. you see, i am the type of learner that has to read it, do it, see it done, and talk about it. and that's when i get it. the personal touch she gave to each one of us in class was amazing.

she began by telling me how cute my purse was... of course.. it's an elisalou.. and then when class began... she came over, sifted through my pictures.. and she got it. right away. she got it. she teared up.. she had me bawling. just by looking at the pictures, no lo's, no journaling, she got what i was saying through my pictures. that just rocked. i then began her process and felt so friggin refreshed. like i was given a new lease on scrapping. permission to just let go.and i did. and i DID trust her. she then came back and looked at me completely lo's and told me i was really getting it. and one caught her eye.. and she said.. "WOW! I've GOT to lift that! what an idea!!!" i was blown away.

so, miss Stacy.. if you're reading... you touched my life. i was a lurker on your blog. but I'm now coming out of the closet. i am a full fledged stalker. hehehehe kidding. i just want you to know how amazing i think your perspective is and you've become a wonderful role model for me. i told my girlfriends that very weekend.. that I WILL work for you someday. it's inevitable. i will leave my wonderful career behind to come work for Simple ANY DAY!!! heck, I'd even do it part time, in addition to my FT gig! you just ROCKED my world that much.

so.. a huge, heartfelt thank you to you and your class. my spirits have been lifted when i needed it most and my mind will not stop spinning with amazing ideas. I've been writing notes and drawing sketches DAILY now. (good way to kill time on boring conference calls) i really do hope you teach this class again somewhere that i can attend. what do i have to do to get you to MY LSS???????????

so faithful readers (what, do i have like 5?) TRUST ME. i will be preachin the Finish Line Gospel.

TRUST ME. AND DO WHAT I TELL YOU TO DO.

and you will never look back!