change.

this year is finally coming to an end and it's been a tough one. as typical in this household. but - it has been a year of growth - both physically and emotionally. it has been a year of change. i've become stronger in some ways, weaker in others. i've become cold. not by accident, but by choice. i have had to shut people out. in doing so - i have learned to find my own happiness. i've learned to find what works for MY family.. meaning the 3 of us. that's growth. and that's HUGE for me. i've learned to walk away. but the only thing i haven't learned and don't think i ever will - is why all of that change that has been good for me - hurts so darn bad?

i've made some new "friends" and lost them just as quickly. it's all a matter of learning where to fit in and going with your gut instinct and just not trying so hard. i've never tried to fit in until i became an adult... and i've quickly learned - it's quite stupid to try. if you can't be accepted for face value - then those folks aren't worthy of your friendship to begin with. i've learned - it's ok to be alone sometimes. my best friend is really all i will ever need - even though she is 1000 miles away - it's ok. she's here - everyday - no matter what is in my bank account - no matter how i look - she knows all my secrets and loves me just the same. endlessly.

i'm looking forward to this year with a fervor. i will be my scary age for this decade come may...35.. and it scares me but i have to admit, i'm a little excited for it too. excited for a year (hopefully) of no hospital stays, no surgeries, no major illness discovered. it's been a long 5 years in that department and i'm SO ready for it to be done.

i am meeting with a weight loss doctor on the 3rd. i've never had "issues" with weight. never been a "dieter"... but in the last 12 months - my weight has REALLY become an issue. i know i can control it and lose it. i just have finally realized i can't do it alone or unsupervised. it's beginning to cause some health problems and that is NOT a matter to be taken lightly. i know medication has a BIG affect on it all - but i am to blame as well for living a sedentary lifestyle. it ends this year.

i think there will be several big changes on the horizon for me. perhaps a new job? perhaps a comfortable, stress free financial future? all things are 100% in my own hands. i have to make it all happen. so - join me on the journey and see what's to come in the future. i'm REAL tired of going back through my journal entries and reading the saddening, bitter rants i'm so accustomed to. it's time for change.

so come on 2008 - come into my world.. it's gonna rock here.

in loving memory...

i got a phone call this morning. it wasn't good. not on a monday - certainly not during the holidays. not on any day - for any matter. i lost a dear, sweet friend, mentor, colleague and boss this weekend. he always burned the candle at both ends. was on the road 100% of the time. he suffered from a massive heart attack in the minneapolis airport this weekend. he was a person you felt PRIVLEDGED to know. THAT kind of person. he told the best stories. had the kindest heart and the warmest hugs ever. he hired me five years ago into this company. he took a chance on me. he stood up for me when others tried to knock me down. he is responsible for where my life is at today with my career. i hope i can return the favor by doing him proud in my work. he will be missed by many - but for now - my heart is saddened by this loss. i'll miss you - chris. it's just not right - fair - or justified. but i know that someone obviously has a bigger and better plan for you. and if i know you like i think i do, you waited for the plane to land and deplane before you suffered from your massive heart attack - because in true christopher form - you wouldn't have wanted to inconvenience anyone. much love to you and yours. my heart hurts already knowing you're not here.

rockin weekend - part two.

to sum it up - this weeked rocked. all the way around. from the kid to the husband - it rocked. we started and ended the weekend AND i got to sleep in today - completely unplanned - which makes it all more the better. i don't remember a day i slept in until 11:30am.. it was glorious. you see - i've ALWAYS been a late sleeper - this was something motherhood robbed me of.. though my girl still sleeps to at least 8am.. so it's not SO bad.

she's now of the mindset - after yesterday's crafty affairs - "i wanna go play in your office. please momma - office? umm NOW! can we pretty please go in your office?" she's hooked. so i think she will have a permanent work station at the end of my desk. it's big enough - and i love just being in here with her. we downloaded The Polar Express soundtrack yesterday - now she BEGS for it. she LOVES the opening song... chair dances to it and everything. too cute.

so - today - my sitter's daughter came over and I offered "creative advise" as she played and crafted in my studio some gifts for her grandmothers. she had asked if i would help her come up with an idea. i gave her some mags. she found something she liked. we did it. SHE did it. she said to me today:

her: shelley - are there like professional scrapbookers?

me: oh yes! someday - perhaps I will be one...

her: i think i want to do this for a living when i grow up.

me: start now girl - you don't need to wait till you grow up...

then I told her about Brittany Laakonnen, Mitch Kraft.. she was amazed! i love how my passion has rubbed off on her. and she gets SO excited. she walked into the studio and said - "WOW. look at all this - you have EVERYTHING!" made my heart warm. she's such an awesome kid. so while i'd love to show you here face - since she's so stinkin cute - i won't because well - she's not my kid and that's just not polite - instead - i took a pic of her end result with the mag right beside it. i think she rocked it. everything was made with basically scraps and the little frames we got at dollar tree for her b-day projects.

the rest of the blog candy are projects i've been working on for my mum... she will LOVE everything. i just know it. she's my #1 biggest fan! tells her friends i'm a famous scrapbooker.. haha - famous - been pubbed once. if she only knew.

oh yes - and a pic of the Man in the Big Red Suit... she was SO good. got right up there. jumped up there in fact. and just giggled. she was so funny. whispered to him.. "i want a teeny tiny RED present with a puppy in it..." santa looked at me and i was quick to tell him a STUFFED puppy... then she told him, "happy holidays, santa! bye bye!"

does my kid rock or does she rock?

peace people. have a wonderful full week before christmas. slow down, enjoy it - savor it. make it yours.

this child rocks me to the core

this child rocks my WORLD to the core. seriously. this is how we spent our morning.











she has the most amazing attention span. and is a GREAT conversationalist.














not to mention she is quite the artist.
















oh - and did i mention she's only JUST turned 2 and a HALF? I drew the tree - she painted around the lines... without being told how. she's brilliant. or maybe it's just me. i've never known a child her age to have such mad skills.













look at the concentration. yeah - she's getting a rockin art set from Santa this year. i've got a feeling he knows.

back to being crafty. i've been on a roll for days.

going to see the big guy in the RED suit tonight. can't wait! pics to follow!

as she says so well AND in sign language now (thanks Sprout Channel) - HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

creative push

so - sometimes - it's as simple as this. listen to the song "fidelity" by regina spektor. watch the video. poof. inspiration. i mean look at the colors? wow. i was a creating mad-woman last night. stayed up till 2am.. have a scrappy hangover today. but it's all good in the hood. happy humpday.

today is the greatest...

...day i've ever known..." one of my fav songs from the smashing pumpkins... but truly - today was really just a great day. my heart is full. i am feeling a sense of falling in love with my husband all over again. the weekend just plain rocked.

started of the weekend with - NO LAUNDRY! because people - I have maintained the piles for an entire WEEK! phew. what a relief. Saturday - I taught a little project to a group of 10 12-13 year olds at the birthday party of my sitter's daughter, anna. this girl is just about the coolest 11 year old i have ever known. she's not only just adorable - but the most polite, proper, thoughtful, appreciative tween i've come across yet. says please and thank you - yes ma'am, no ma'am... unreal. I helped her mom throw a scrappy/stmapy birthday party. helped - meaning - i designed and created her invites, party favor bags, and the project itself. (photos to come later). It was a HIT! The girls LOVED their project and i really think they all had a blast!

and THEN - I came home - and HAPPY MAIL.... 601 GREAT SCRAPBOOK IDEAS HAS ARRIVED PEOPLE!!!! I CRIED! how stupid is that? i mean i actually had tears opening the box! thanks FWPubs - you made my MONTH! what a way to start of the holiday season... a great sense of accomplishment and the words - "honey - i'm really proud of you" coming from the hubby. pure scrappin goodness.

sat. eve we tooled around in the living room - trying to rearrange to accomodate a christmas tree. we've got this long narrow living room - our furniture is too big for it - and it always felt stifled. poor flow - poor energy. well - i think we nailed it. we rearranged - cleaned and LOVE the feel of the room. hubby keeps saying he feels more "at home". it's great. now if we can only agree on a tree. :) we then tooled around looking for a tree. i am *trying* to compromise this year - and we are getting a fake tree. though i can't compromise to the price of the damn things! holy cow! so - needless to say - no tree as of yet!

sunday - was my god daughter's 3rd birthday. she was adorable. so cute and petite... and happy to see us. she LOVED the UGLY DOLL!!!! snuggled right up with it like a pillow... LOVE it. it was great for she and kennedy to play together. they do so well together. they are 6 months apart (kennedy younger) so they have just about everything in common right now. got some great shots of them just being with one another. warmed my heart.

spent the early evening - you guessed it.. looking for a tree. so far we have been to K-Fart, Target, Lowes, Home Depot, Hafners, Christmas Tree Shops, & Michaels. Would you believe.. nothing! BUT - i did manage to get the cutest little nightlight - it's one of those old-fashioned bubbling lights with a little santa hanging off the side. was ADORABLE. Kennedy loved it...

today was day two of the advent calendar... i think she might actually remember to look in it tomorrow for a goody.. however - i am having a hard time buying little treasures that will actually FIT in it... so some goodies will be hangin out... but it looks even cuter than way.

so - this weekend was a down right - just plain good - weekend. full of goodness. full of warmth. and i just hope it carries on.

have a merry start to your week.

peace.

GRATEFUL

more thoughts to come this week. still trying to soak a TON of things in enough to be eloquent. so for now - enjoy some pics...

601 GREAT wonderful feelings floating in my head...

doesn't take much to make a girl's shitty attitude do a complete 360. that quick. so my neighbor subscribes to some book club for scrapbookers. She gets a little pamphlet every month for the latest selections. well - most of you know - memory makers 601 great scrapbook ideas was finally released this month. most of you know - it is where i have my one and only layout published. WELL... of the 601 layouts in the book - MINE is in the advertisement from this company for the book itself! Crop Pick of the month at http://www.thescrapbookclubonline.com/ (you can't see it on the site - but if you buy books from this company - you'll see my LO in this months newsletter/pamphlet - the LO is "Will @ 19")is 601 and my LO is shown in full in the AD!!! if that isn't the bees knees... i don't know WHAT is!!! i can't imagine how excited i will be to actually have the BOOK in my hand! my one and only lo ever published - and it's used for advertising the friggin BOOK!!! it's just plain cool. and the best part - my husband told me tonight on his way up to bed - "congrats on that whole deal, honey - i'm very proud of you." and sometimes, that's all it takes to make my heart smile.

happy thanksgiving eve!

thankful

this time of year is always difficult for me. it has been for seventeen years. wow. seventeen years is how old i was when it all changed. my entire dynamic. everything i knew as normal, albeit somewhat dysfunctional - changed. it was my senior year in high school and i was here in syacuse visiting my dad for the holidays. he and my oldest brother had one heck of a blow out on new year's day. my dad died very unexpectedly the very next day. his health was poor, to begin with. but that is what i remember. a fight. and then my life changed. remarkably. even though my parents had been divorced at that point for a little over 10 years and i didn't see my dad often, i loved him. he was in my life. he helped me feel happy. he assured me everything was okay when i felt resentment from my brothers, or when they treatd me poorly. imagine the guilt my oldest brother must carry with him daily. he's an angry person. he always has been, he always will be. he is NOT a part of my life.

i have two brothers. i have lived most of my life thousands of miles away from them. after i got married, i felt a strong pull to be near them. so much so, my husband and i moved back here to be close to my family. as things turn out, i live across the street from one of my brothers. i have seen him once in the last 30 days. i live less than three miles from the other one and his family. i passed them on my street on halloween night and said hello. such a casual hello, you would have thought we were neighbors. not of the same genepool. my daughter does not know this brother, his wife, or their children. she looks at them like they are strangers. i tell this to people, friends, and they think i exxagerate. the truth is - i don't. not for an instant. it's the raw, God's honest truth. and to some - it seems sad. to me - it was.

i've learned something recently. you are given yor family. it's not a choice. however, you can CHOOSE who to BE a part of your family. genetic ties mean nothing. they're just that. genetic ties. i've grown to accept the fact - i will never support my family. they will never understand me. i am no longer going to force my husband to be a part of their lives. i am thankful i am finally old enough to see the truth in these people. the shallow, selfish truth. thankful that, though i share the same genes, i inherited a soul. a heart. compassion. feelings. something my brothers apparently did not get.

i'm thankful that i can mourn my dad, but be happy to know that i loved him - and i can have the courage to remember the happy times in lieu of the sad times... it's all i've got. i'm thankful, that i can love my mom in ways my brothers will never understand. thankful i hurt. thankful i cry. thankful i stand up for what i feel. thankful i have a good marriage to a man i can call my best friend. thankful his family accepts me for who i am, not what i can offer them.

so, this year - for the first time yet - since we've lived here, we have not received even one obligatory invite from my family for the holidays. not a mention as to what are we doing, do we have plans, would we like to join anyone. not a word. and for the first time ever, i am thankful. because i will not be forced to make up an excuse to decline the offer to join in on a store bought dinner in a box. to me - thanksgiving is about being together. family. being thankful. cooking! my most favorite part! tradition. i'm thankful.

we are staying home, once again, just the three of us. and i will still go all out, martha style. complete with the 22 pound turkey i just bought and everything from scratch but the mashed potatoes (i still haven't mastered potatos sans lumps!), homemade stuffing, apple pie, cranberry sauce, bread, sweet potatoes, salad - everything from scratch! i will spend about 12-14 hours total between baking, prepping, cooking, cleaning, enjoying my day. in my little 2x2 kitchen. with just my own lil family. we've invited on of hubby's friends who is having a rough time at home. i will extend the invite to some folks i know go out to eat on thanksgiving. and i will be completely and utterly happy.

so - this day starts the beginning of a tough period for me. i'm a mess right after christmas because of my pops. i miss him. i wish he knew my daughter. God - he would just adore her. so much so i can picture it some days. he would just love my husband. he would be proud. and this is the first year i can honestly say - i think my dad would support my feelings and my decision to stay home and not force the issue with my family. he would be here, with us. and he'd say something to me like... "who's better than you? who needs em!"

i'm thankful. for ron, for kennedy, for my Ma, my best friend joaney and her family, ron's family. i choose all of them. i'm thankful i've grown up enough to realize that it is ok.

what have you learned this year that you are thankful for?

happy thanksgiving.

SSHH SHH SECRET AGENT SSSHHH

So - I'm on a mission - I'm attempting to become an agent for the Fiskateers. And you know - so far so good! And I realized something - Fiskars is all around me! I've used Fiskars shears and rotary cutters for YEARS - since my Gram always SWORE by "those orange scissors.. you only want to buy the orange ones!" I never even really paid attention - until recently - Heidi Grace papers - Fiskars! Who knew? not me! and I am a HUGE lover of all things HG! I mean - just look at what I made with some new Christmas papers - that by far - are theeee cutest papers EVAH!!!

So - today - also - guess what???!!! It's SNOWING!!!! My FAVORITE time of year!!! Woo HOOO!!!!

So - that's really all I've got for today. I am doing plenty of positive self talk - trying to keep a positive attitude and know that each day while I work - is one mroe day closer to being DONE with the 22 projects that have been assigned to me - during the holidays - to be done by January. Yes - I do have super hero powers.