I have issues...

• i have high expectations of people.
• i expect greatness.
• i need to be crafty on a regular basis.

SOOOOO... thank goodness i have some good, sweet, smart, crafty girlfriends to hand me tissues when the issues get to be too much. and push me to be creative.

and as proof of that? look what some of my girls are up to?

paper issues

the creative team here is sensational. they are a good group of crafty bitches who i adore. and i can tell you? i have high expectations of what's coming out of this new adventure. and can i assure you? it will be pure greatness. because i said so.

so - go check out paper issues and join the halloween linky party. tell 'em shelley may sent ya. become a follower. and love them. join them and share your issues.

be good and enjoy some pics of halloween crafts and such both old and new! enjoy!

my GOD she was cute! and look at the fancy logo on the pumpkin! hmmm.. wonder where momma works?

a quickie halloween card made with scraps!

another quickie with scraps!

our masterpiece last year! i think we need to make another this weekend! this was SO fun!

and this is the in-house decor this year! none for the outside this year!

pumpkins a couple of years ago. apparently i slept less or had more time when kennedy was 3??

KINDERGARTEN: The Words...

for months, i'd been planning. what she might like to wear. what kind of shoes she might want. what type of backpack. attending evaluation. attending orientation. i signed up for the PTA. i volunteered for committees. we went on vacation. a bit of a temporary diversion. we got back. the knots in my stomach came back. i was slowly falling apart. kindergarten was less than 2 days away.

i waited two years and went through several surgeries to get pregnant. i carried Kennedy with me for 7 months in and out of airplanes while i traveled all over the country for work. we had Kennedy on our due date, and she was either taken care of at home, or right next door, and recently, back at home. she's been my sidekick since conception. she's the apple that never left the branch to my eye.

i'm ok being away from her. though it's hard? i travel for work, and we've gotten used to it. does not make it easy. but we are ok with it. she'd gone to 2 full years of pre-school. i knew she was ready. i've known since she was 2 and began writing her name without assistance at TWO - she was ready. it was the whole bus thing. i was not ready for that. how do i know she GETS to school? how do i know she makes it? how do i know she knows how to get home? there were all these "yes but, how do i"'s...

the night before, we got all ready. we took an extra loooooong tubby. this is the point, i started to cry. she looked at me from the tub and says to me, "mom? it looks like you are the one that is having a hard time with this. you just need to deal with it. i'm going to school. maybe i should draw a heart in YOUR hand." dad and i cracked up. we blew out her hair dry, we painted nails. we got all spiffied up and beautified for the big day. she requested being all pinked up. i obliged of course.

the day came. she was so over the top excited. i was too, but with great reservation. my stomach hurt. like physically, actually hurt. we had breakfast, talked about the day ahead. went over the bus rules again, her address, her teacher's name, etcetera. she was SO ready. i went up to work.

she had lunch, i came down, got her ready. we curled her hair, got all pinked up.

brushed teeth. dad came home to not miss the special day. and we waited. and waited. and waited some more. the bus was almost 30 minutes late. as it came down the street. i started. the tears welled up. the bus stopped, she gave a quick hug and kiss.. and all i got was "BYE MOM! I LOVE YOU!" i think she bounced onto the bus.

as i looked up to see her lil head, barely visible find a seat, i caught a glimpse of the other lil girls. they were all teary eyed, red faced. sad. so very sad looking. i blinked. looked up again. there was my angel, in her seat, looking out the window. smile beaming for days. waving and blowing kisses to me. heart drawn in her hand. and mine. and the bus drove away.

i lost it. i physically hurt. i just stood there. in awe. and i actually felt as though something was being ripped from my insides. i was not the same that entire day. i cried on and off all day. it came time for the bus to come back down the street. i cried again as i saw it turn the corner. then thought - what if she got on the wrong one? the bus stopped... she bumbled down the steps yelling... " MOMMMMA!!!!!" with a huge smile on her face still.

and all was right in my world again. this child LOVES school. she NEEDS school. she is READY for school. she talks about it each day when she gets home. she LOVES her teacher. she loves gym, and art, and music class.. oh and the library. all of it. and this week? for the first time ever. something new. she was bitten. bitten by some little shit of a child, for no apparent reason - so says the teacher too. i explained to kennedy, she did all the right things. she told the teacher. the biter was scolded.

today, she came home from school. i asked her... "how was the biter today? did she bite you?" she told me she did not... i said..."was she nice to you today?" kennedy told me, "because she does not know how to be respectful of me and act like a five year old, i won't talk to her again. she can't be my friend."

i told her - "good. and if she bites you again? drop her."
she said - "yes, momma. she bites me again? i will show HER who's boss."

school is grand and she's adjusting just fine.

be good. peace.

new

loads of new things going on around this neck of the woods.

i'm a guest designer here this month. check out the goodness. pure pure goodness. love this community of women and crafters. amazing inspiration here. and rockin deals at the online store.

i went on vacation here last week for about 10 days. pure, sweet, organic love. art is everywhere. i love oregon and all bend has to offer.

whilst there, i learned to do this. empowered. truly empowered.

we hiked here. entranced. and here.

this weekend, i am spending with this rockin woman! can't hardly wait!

then we sent the girl to school. kindergarten for the first time ever. unreal. it's been a whirlwind of a few weeks. thoughts to come this weekend about school and the psychosematic pain my uterus felt putting her on that school bus.

just slow down

so, this summer, we've begun planning for kindergarten. officially making the BIG step from toddler to little girl. the thing i struggled with the most? shopping for clothes. now, i remember, 32 years ago in my life, being quite the lil fashionista. i had matching shoes, earrings, hair accessories... the works. but i don't for a second ever remember my clothes looking like a grown up. or a grown up tramp, for plaid-mini skirts and knee-highs sakes!

what in god's creation is going on with the clothing industry these days? is it not bad enough that we've become such a technological society with pedophiles lurking around every website... we now need to succumb our young girls to clothes that look like they belong on a set of the soprano's in an evening visit to ba-da-bing? come on. i have 7 outfits for my daughter. 7. she will wear t-shirts, jeans, and dresses. and she will be conservative. and respectful of her body. until she is old enough to provide for herself and move out.

this little feat of shopping for clothes has opened my eyes as a parent of a girl. society has become sickened. i can't tell you how often i open facebook, and oh look, there's another boob shot of a 13 year old girl. or look, there's a diatribe of who loves who and hate all over the internet. nauseates me. as a parent, it is our job to teach self respect. self discipline. self motivation. empathy. respect for others. braveness. encouragement. it is MY job as a parent to my daughter to empower her to love herself enough that she doesn't seek the love via other channels.

my five year old is very concerned with fashion. and as i learned last night, also, already commenting on body image issues. watching a ballet video on youtube... "momma, i'll never be that skinny." my response? i stood up and said, "look at momma. is anything wrong with momma's body?" she responded, "no momma. you are beautiful just the way you are and you always will be." and reminded her.. "and so are you." daily i am ingraining in my daughter... it's what is on the inside that truly matters most. i tell her, at five.. if your heart is not full, and warm, and beautiful... it doesn't matter a minute what the outside looks like. hopefully, she gets this message.

and when she's about to enter the 7th grade, she'll still want to shop at the GAP and where khakis with argyle sweaters. because her heart will still be so full, her outside will still continue to radiate an uncommon beauty. a selfless soul, full of empathy, self-respect, and female empowerment.

peace.

the ladybugs visit & suicide

and while normally, one would be grossed out by bugs in the house - no one ever is with ladybugs. they are supposed to be good luck. they are cute. i was intrigued by them. they came for a visit. to my studio. they hung out above my head, all night, while i created stuff into the wee hours of the morning. they would move, crawl around, but always managed to end up right back above my head. felt as though they were lookin down to see what i was making. i felt inspired. yup. by two lil bug-a-boos. today, when i walked back into said studio? ladybug suicide.

that about summed up my day.

the last several weeks have been rough. personally, professionally, creatively. i finally realized it was up to me to make it shift. i'm the only one in control. i'm the only one who can fix what's "off" within. so i did. i reclaimed my tuesdays. you see, the husbands have golf league, or a bowling league, or in another week, i'm told... football season starts. god help me. so i took tuesdays. it's my night. it's my bowling league if you will. i did this for about a year solid, and i would often find myself in a class of some kind, at barnes and noble sippin a mocha, readin some mags, wandering aisles of target while things leapt off the shelves into my cart - who cares? was MY TIME! i did things that made me happy. simple things. really simple. so i took it back. last night.

and i had visitors. the ladybugs. and it was grand. we drank chai tea, we shut my studio door, and we created. i had the best evening. i made one layout and started an altered printer tray from 7Gypsies. scrappingoodness, i tell ya! i have been sper, duper inspired by some lovely women at scrapgal . such an awesome group... that's really where the mojo started... but i over-did it. i stayed up too late. and today was rough. ladybug suicide and all.

kennedy woke up in a mood of sorts which caused me to take away a "lovie".. you'd think i cut off her right arm and fed it to her for breakfast. she cried, she screamed, she wailed, she kicked, she convulsed, and it all ended with her hyperventilating. all over a damn stuffed bear. Pink Bear - her sister - she tells me. she broke down, we made up, i calmed her down. the child is just out of sorts. and so we go. ladybug suicide.

i just am happy this day is over. thankful i get to do it all over again tomorrow. i have to have a ct scan tomorrow morning... say some prayers for me. i am grateful i have insurance to cover these kinds of things, grateful to have a job. blessed to be stressed. but i will be even happier if tomorrow, there are no ladybug suicides.

peace. be good.

under construction...

attempting to re-design blog.. please excuse the mess.

Dear Kennedy - August

Dear Kennedy,

I hope to God that August brings you not only a shift in the weather, but a divine shift in your attitude and outlook on your little life. In the last several days you have:

• yelled at us
• hit us
• hissed at us
• growled at us
• stomped at us
• screeched at the top of your lungs at us
• thrown things at us
• told me you'd never speak to us again
• told me us didn't like us
• disobeyed us
• been un-thankful towards us
• been downright hateful towards us

these last several weeks it has been very difficult for me to parent, be consistent and set expectations with you. you wake up angry. pissed off at the world. i have tried everything to combat this. i have tried to wake up hours before you, so that you don't storm into my room, screaming at me telling me to wake up now and beginning your day with a barrage of i wants.

tonight? i have had it. i am done. i am exhausted. i am beat down. i am tired. i am worn out. i allow myself to feel like it is not okay to feel any of this. that i should just let it go. not let it get to me. ignore it. what is not understood by some is that if i do any of this, it allows the behavior to perpetuate and become a habit for you. i refuse, with all that i am, to allow that to happen.

although all of this horrible behavior from you has beaten me down so low, i feel like i am incompetent, one thing remains consistent, i have never once, even for an instant, stopped loving you. i just don't understand you. i can't comprehend what in your little big life makes you so angry. you have everything. you have two parents who rise and set each day because you exist. we do everything for you, with you. we play, we explore, we try new things together. we read, we make art, we watch movies, we experience life with you. we constantly give to you. of ourselves, our time, our very being is yours for the taking. if you'll just have it.

i don't know what more i can do, but show you tough love. i will continue to take things away from you and restrict you until you learn. i will continue to enforce the positive behavior in such a way you'd think a circus came to town, but i will not, for an instant, ignore the negative behavior. i will deal with it, you will not like it, and i don't care. because i love you. and i insist you become a good person. a sweet person. a respectful person. an empathetic person. a likable person. because i will not accept anything less from you. someday, this will all make sense to you. for now, you will, i guess, think i'm horrible on the best of days.

i just hope it shifts very soon. momma cannot tolerate too many more bad days like this. again, i've never stopped loving you, not even for an instant. i have a mad, crazy love for you that grows stronger every moment. never forget that.

love with all my heart,

momma

something is shifting...

...and i don't understand it. and it's making me angry. see - i've been working really hard. working to be better. to be a better me. a better momma. a better daughter. a better wife. a better friend. things have begun to fall into place. life is easier. happiness has found a place by my side. i notice the little things. i take it all in. and i'm enjoying the moments found.

however, all around me? it's shifting. i have witnessed loss, deception, pain, fear, anger, sadness. my heart breaks for things i have no control over. goodness has shifted into my soul - and yet around me, it's seeping away. i have an urgency to do more. to contribute. to make a difference. more so than ever.

i've been crying a lot lately. but something has shifted. it's not tears for myself. it's grief i'm feeling for others. i want to be selfish for a minute and think: maybe now i'm able to do so because i'm no longer so self-absorbed in my own sadness. we'll go with that. i like that. and i'm pushed. i'm pushed to do more.

not quite sure what MORE is yet. but providing i continue on this new path of mine, something MORE will show itself to me. and i won't have to try so hard to find it.

be good, people. peace.

sweet sixteen.

and no... i'm not talking basketball brackets or even a birthday. i'm talkin pants, ladies and gentlemen. pants. the last time my a$$ saw a size 16 was about 10 years ago. TEN YEARS. now i've not lost a whole lot of weight (about 40 pounds now) but holy crap. that's 4 sizes smaller for me. i was running anywhere from a 20 to 22... ssshhhhhhh! could never shop in misses. was forced to "womens" or the lame giant... i wanted to scream in the dressing room. i simply grabbed a 16 to see how much more i had to go. i put one leg in. pulled them up a bit, realized the other leg would also fit - and then they were up. on my hips. and zipped. without lying down to do it! holy CRAP-A-NOLIE! i am really losing weight. i don't so much care about a number i want to weigh. it's all about how i feel. my first goal was lofty - i wanted to weigh less than my husband. i now do! he's got about 7 pounds on me! my next goal, was to go down a pant size. holy crap! done that, too. now - my next small goal... get below 220. that's all. i'm oh so close. so that will be a piece of cake.



while i hope i'm not sounding boastful - i'm just sharing. i want everyone to join me. everyone who's struggling. i've become a distributor for Herbalife. this was simply so that i could get a discount, but hell, now you can buy from me and join me on this weight loss journey. i have another goal. when i am below 220, i plan to start moving my body. i want to start up a fitness challenge... not sure of how i'm going to do this yet... but stay tuned. and join me would ya? email me for more details... shelleymay@att.net



be good folks - and have a fabulous weekend!

american honey

so - my daughter is a bit of a music junkie. at not-quite-five - her music tastes range anywhere from john mayer, regina spektor, to lady antebellum. i always thought the voice of a child was something to hear. something special, even when off key and singing from their toes, i always thought it was beautiful. until i realized my daughter could really, actually sing. it's magical. it takes my breath away, often moving me to tears. she has a freakish knack for memorizing song lyrics just like her momma. she keeps beat and rhythm. she can point out specific instruments in a song, and she doesn't even really know how to play one yet.

now, i like to somehow take credit for this on occasion as i sang to her while i was pregnant. a LOT. yet i am not a very good singer. i was the girl always cast in the non-singing lead roles in the musicals. could not ever carry a tune. yet - i sing like it's nobody's business. i'm a rock star. in the car. and in the house when no one is home. we have music playing each and every night still, when kennedy goes to bed. it's always on in the car.

i digress. the girl can sing. as i hear her belting things out from the backseat, i often notice lyrics floating up into my mind. this one recent fav of hers is american honey, by lady antebellum. she sings of "she grew up slow, she grew up goooood, like american honey." this resonated inside me tonight in a way it hadn't yet. it made me remember, be present. enjoy each little bit. allow her to grow up slow. don't let her get big too fast. she kept telling us at dinner tonight that she knew how to behave like a lady at a restaurant, because she was a big girl. and big girls can do whatever they want. slow down. be present. grow up slow. grow up good, sweet girl.

as things are finally beginning to shift in my life, i'm realizing more and more of the little things. the slow parts. taking it all in. letting it float around and savoring it like honey. i just need to remember now, slow down. be present. happiness just comes. it's not forced anymore. i will never forget something a high school sweetheart wrote to me many, many years ago - "i am beginning to thaw."

be present. be happy. and slow it down. like american honey.