momma - you HAVE to breathe - you HAVE TO!!!

as told to me by my officially now 2.5 year old daughter. TWO AND A HALF! the first full week of a new year went like this:

• monday - work - very productive
• monday - late afternoon - stomach pain returns
• monday - dinner time - call ronnie - i need to go to urgent care, he tells me. he takes me. it's 5, it's 7, it's 10pm. they tell me i have IBS. i don't agree, they send me home.
• monday/tuesday morning - 230am - i wake from a sound sleep unable to breath normally and with severe chest pains. i scream out to ronnie 2 things... CALL 911. never in my life had to say that. ever. and at that very moment, truly felt it was the last time i would ever speak. the screaming and howling woke kennedy. she saw the whole thing. i am certain she is now terrified. she keeps saying - i am crying because my momma is hurting. fix her fix her make her better, please. she's hurting. this makes me angry she is now seeing this. makes me even angrier not one god-damned family member picked up their phone. i ALWAYS answer the phone when it rings several times in the middle of the night - over and over again. you know it's a fucking emergency. was in ER until 700am tues.
• tuesday morning - sent home from ER after 4 baby asperin, 4 nitro glycerin, ativan, and two things shot up my IV for pain. doctor came in - NEVER TOUCHED ME ONCE. didn't feel stomach, chest, listen to heart - NOTHING. ordered a chest xray. tells me, oh you just had a really bad acid reflux attack. i don't agree. she sends me home.
• tuesday - all day - slept. ached. moaned. puked.
• wednesday - wake up - still in pain. in bathroom, heaving, moaning, crying. kennedy walks in, closes the door behind her. puts her hands on her hips."MOMMA - YOU HAVE TO BREATHE!" i say excuse me? she tells me again. "YOU HAVE TO BREATHE!!!" she demonstrates this time, deep breathing, slowly - in and out. i am now convinced my 2.5 year old toddler is reincarnated. she's too damned smart. call ronnie, pain is getting worse. ask him to come home at 8am. i go to pee. pee is almost black. i call ronnie freaking out. he tells me to call doc. they rush me in to see doc. more blood work. i am bruised on both arms like a junkie now. renal ultrasound. liver ultrasound. stomach ultrasound. pee in a cup. no blood in urine - but bilirubin in urine. blood work shows liver is not functioning. schedule ECRP with gastro doc on friday. theory is gallstones left over from removal back in august or hepatitis. HEPA - what the fuck? i fall apart. they finally give me lortab for pain. we go home. it's after 4pm. we have been at the dr since 1030am. unreal.
• wednesday - all evening - pain. tears. pain. screaming. more tears. questions. phone calls. i'm loosing it. i don't understand. why me? what have i done? what if it's not just a gallstone? then what? my first thought - my liver doesn't work. i have hepatitis. my step brother died of liver cancer - caused by hepatitis. i fall apart some more. i have taken 2 lortab. no relief. i take 4 more. i pass out. finally. relief.
• thursday - no pain. are you kidding me? still dark pee. still freaking out. now i've got to deal with handing off work shit because we have no idea if i will be admitted to hospital at this point. i spend 3.5 hours sending, receiving, answering emails, online chatting with my mentor questioning why the hell everyone around us is so damned stupid. blatantly stupid. really stupid. i hand off all my work to her. she is a saint. a savior. a godsend. truly my work bff. she gets me. i get her. she gets my back - i always get hers. i am thankful. but still questioning the pure stupidity of those around us. it's a timewaster. we just have to accept what is. they are stoo.pid. i take more pain meds. i really need to shit. didn't realize. narcotics constipate you. just what i need on top of everything else. oh how i love life. - and did i mention? i took a bath to try and calm down and when i drained it - there was some confusion apparently in the pipes - as i heard the toilet gurlging about an hour later, mentioned it to ron - he said hmmmm - i went to puke one more time before bed - and oh - the fucking bathroom was flooded! jesus.h.christ.
• friday - i wake - almost hoping to be admitted into the hospital where i don't feel guilty for asking people to wait on me. it's what they get paid for. my husband? he's tired of waiting on me. he's been doing it the past 5 years. 5 years of medical hell. we are barely speaking at this point. and you'll notice - no where in this post so far - have i mentioned any sort of food. it's because i haven't eaten since monday. and i can't. and don't care to. everything he tried to give me in his best attempt at taking care of me - i couldn't stomach or keep down.
• friday - afternoon - we finally leave for hospital. i am actually happy to just be out of the house. it makes me anxious. everything is behind at the hospital because as you guessed it - we showed up early and more than on time. shame on us. my appt was at 4. we had to be there 2 hours prior. had to get poked with a needle three more times in order to get an IV going. i have now been poked with a needle 10 times this week. three ivs. 3 blood draws. you do the math. my body does not like needles. and when i say please get the IV Team - i think it comes out as kiss my ass and eat shit. they NEVER LISTEN. so i think they like to poke me for what they THINK they heard rather than what i said. i'm a professional patient. people should listen to me.
• friday - evening - when i come to - i notice it is about 700pm. i recover ok. a little pain and some nausea, both of which my sweet sweet nurse was quick to solve. my doc who i now adore tells me he *thinks* i did pass a stone(s) and that all of my biliary ducts were swollen and lined with sludge - so liver really wasn't functioning well at all. he blasted them clean - sucked out the junk. i also had some bleeding internally - where? i can't remember where he said - but i do recall something about him saying - it was recent and he repaired with a balloon like substance. he tells me i should now be pain free. we finally come home around 8pm.
• friday - late evening - i am feeling pretty good. can only have clear diet. i eat sherbert - i don't get the clear - but they said i could and it tasted so friggin good. i had some chicken broth - since the sherbert made my throat sore - i wanted something hot. i was content. for the first time in about 10 full days. i slept. like. a. baby. pain. free. all. night.
• saturday - a completely pain free - wait - what's that? my fucking period? you've have.got.to.be.fucking.kidding.me. have i pissed off the health gods? i can't take any sort of pain med for the next couple of weeks - except for tylenol. tylenol does not a damn thing for this old body. stomach pain - gone. period cramps. yup. the only thing ot brighten my week? my dear friend bon bon and the scrappy friends i have locally. they all pitched in and bon bon brought me thee sweetest bouquet of cheery beautiful flowers in the prettiest lil teacup and saucer ive ever seen. i am guessing it will most likely be my daily coffee mug for some time... these girls. so sweet. so. so. thoughtful. made my day.

so - what've you been up to this week? can you top it?

so much for change, eh? oh well - here's to a better next week.

ciao.