and i should be sleeping.

i have been so tired.
the kind of tired where you can doze at a stop light.
the kind of tired where it physically hurts to get out of bed.
the kind of tired where you count how many more hours until "bedtime".
the kind of tired that you wish you could go away like the ahsley judd in the Ya-Ya movie and sleep in a drug induced haze for days where no one knows where you are or when you will be back.
i so wanted this blog to make a turn.
to be a happy place to glean inspiration from.
but it's my journal.
and it turns dark so often.
*****
to me it seems like january was just yesterday. and i was sick after having had a endoscopy on new years eve. i spent january sick... to have my liver begin to shut down in april from gall stones left behind from the gall bladder removal last august. after having an outpatient procedure to blast them all out - i figured that was it. i was done and feeling better. i began to lose weight. 22 pounds to be exact. and i thought this was it! my fresh start to a new year. and here - it's almost over already.

and then i noticed it. the lump. left breast. more of the unknown. more worry. the lump. along with some itching. and some scaliness. the lump two docs felt - that didn't show up in a mammo, sono, or MRI. the lump that's still there. the itching that's still there. that was treated with a steroid cream. and is still there. not better and now larger.

i had to go back and ask for anti-anxiety meds again. i went off it in january - and my anxiety is at an all time high again. several different factors playing into that i won't go into now. i digress - at my visit yesterday. i tell the doc - the boob? yeah. still itching. the cream - didnt do a damned thing. he leaves the room to consult some books. he comes back. tells me to get in to see my surgeon immediately and have a biopsy. he says it appears to be Paget's Disease of the Breast. (there is an osteo-related Paget's Disease.. i do NOT have that). I don't know if i have it of the breast either - but Jesus. it's scary. he told me to read up on it - but don't look at the pictures. its like going past an accident and being told not to look. you have to!

i have not told anyone other than my husbamd, my best friend, and my SIL. normally, i blurt it out to anyone. just can't this time. so tired of hearing - "it's prob nothing". i'm scared. and am damn tired of being sick and tired. i took a good, close, hard look at my breast tonight. it's changed. really. changed. i have ignored it for months. afraid to look. but it's just not right.

and i'm tired.
so tired i'm afraid to sleep as i'm afraid for tomorrow to come.
i feel alone.
and scared.
and i am so exhausted i could sleep for days.

surely will update soon... and you're right. it's probably nothing. but i won't stop until i have some answers.