kindness.

i had a dr appt today.
i asked my SIL to go with me.
because i knew my husband would say "i have to work".
i decided to go alone.
didn't want to inconvenience anyone.
i'm tired of complaining and hurting.
i'm tired of it always being about me.
tired of always needing someone else.
i wanted to be alone today.
i wept at my desk several different times before i left.
i felt brave.
for the first time in a long time.
i had a wodnerful breakfast with my daughter.
she asked my how my day was.
at 6:30am over pancakes, strawberries and cream.
she was gorgeous in the morning light from the window.
i wanted to cry.
but i didn't.
she rode her bike to the sitter today while i walked beside her.
when did she learn to ride it?
she just knew how to do it.
i was amazed again at her beauty.
i dropped her off.
she said, "have a good day momma. i will miss you today."
sealed it with a kiss and she was off.
i walked back home.
i got through the morning.
i am learning to blow off stupidity from colleagues.
i blew it off about 6 times today.
i went to the doc.
alone.
did i say i was brave today?
i was brave today.
we talked about paget's disease.
he doesn't think i have it.
but he's boggled.
so he did a biopsy.
left breast - one and a half inch incision.
the nurse was kind.
she was warm. and caring.
and she stood right next to me.
a hand on my shoulder.
her other hand in mine.
i didn't ask her to do it.
she knew.
you could see it in her eyes.
or perhaps could she see the fear in mine?
my surgeon is kind.
he's a good man.
he looks like my dad - who i miss more than words can say
it's nothing.
i'm sure it's nothing.
i tell myself it's nothing.
but still.
you think.
it
could
be
something
and so i came home.
took some hydrocodone.
and slept.
i woke up just in time
to see my girl before she went to bed.
she looked more beautiful than ever.
she asked if my boobie boo-boo was better yet.
she rubbed my arm.
she wrapped herself around me leg and said -
you will be better mommy. just wait. you'll see.
i've written recently how awful it has been.
how challenging motherhood has been.
so full of angst, doubt, fear.
and i wouldn't change it for the world.
i'm trying
so
hard
trying
to find good
to find happy
to be kind
trying so hard
just wait.
you'll see.