on trying to go to bed...

four times tonight. i've tried to head upstairs to go to bed. first i was my scrappy pals in chat. love them. then, it was hoarders. in total awe of that show. (i went and threw way a pile of mail that had stacked up) then it was my usual blog catch up. you see, i have this addiction to reading magazines and blogs. addicted. bad. and i have regular bloggers i have now followed for years. and so i read. and headed up to bed.

at which point, the girl woke up and wanted to get in bed with Dad. and didn't want to leave room for me. and started her two year old tantrum. to which i childishly stomped downstairs proclaiming.. "i'll just sleep on the couch". then, it was the kitchen sink. i had to empty it into the dishwasher. which meant i had to EMPTY the dishwasher. all because of the aforementioned bloggers.

some women who parent 4 times the amount of children as me. some hold full time jobs. some of them two. (what we like to call "real jobs" and then "creative jobs".) some are stay at home moms, which to me? is like a job in severe violation of the labor laws, if you ask me. no breaks, no lunch hours. 25/8 as i like to call it. (hats off SAHM!) some who fight daily struggle head on, with drive i'll never understand. it's when i read up on what these women are doing with their lives, i want to be more. do more. be a better momma. a more present momma. a less stressed momma. a more happy momma. more. (hmmm...i think i feel a OLW coming on for 2011!)

as i emptied and refilled that dishwasher, so many thoughts went through my head. the one task i hate the most, that brings my mother some kind of solace. she seems as though she enjoys it. and i loathe it. yet, i feel like i should be thankful to be able to do it. thankful we have food, that dirties the dishes that need to be cleaned in the dishwasher. and i am. don't get me wrong. but it leaves me thinking, maybe i'm not doing enough. so i push myself to do more. i volunteer now with the pta. and tonight, at about 400pm, i started freaking out over a meeting i had at 630pm. thoughts like: how will i be ready in time? what about dinner? what about not letting everyone know sooner that this is what i wanted to do tonight. is it enough? and i pushed myself.

i was ready in plenty of time. i started dinner. i got everything else out to go with - so there was no guessing on the part of the husband. and i left the house on time, with time to spare for coffee. and it was enough. dinner was decent, and everyone ate. and i came home to brownies being baked in the oven. and a plate covered and warm on the oven just for me. and it was enough.

stay tuned for my focus on attempting a joyful holiday season. simple, joyful holiday season. filled with things i want and need. the non-tangible things - unless being able to touch them on my heart counts.

peace and all that other stuff.