i've got a dirty little secret that i think millions of americans do. i hide it and don't talk about it to anyone but my best friend in the entire world. i lack the ability to manage money. i do not know how to stick to a budget. i have a wonderful job that pays me very well. sometimes i wonder - wow - they pay me THIS much to do this job? and work from home? in my jammies. and yet i am in danger of having my electricity shut off nearly every other month.
i never had good examples to follow. my parents were foolish with money. my mother still is. she is 71 years old, has no "plan", no retirement, she still works full-time. she has NO assets. she lives in an apartment with a room-mate. she collect social security and still works as a full time nanny. NO plan. no savings. no credit. nothing. my father pissed away his earnings on alcohol and toys - boats, cars, etc. i swore i would never be like my parents. and here i sit - just like them.
this is the year to change things. it's become such a constant source of fear for me - i sit awake nights worrying and agonizing over it. wondering how to change it. and then i constantly question faith. i pray. on occasion. i believe in a greater good. God. a higher power. i really do. things happen to me for a reason and i can always tell when they're happening - that there's a greater reason lying ahead. so why am i so afraid of faith? i read about other people's experience with it. my best friend's husband tells me - if you pray on it and hand it over to the Lord - he will answer your prayers and carry your burdens for you. i've SEEN this first hand - WORK for others! i've witnessed it. but still - i linger in faith.
i'm embarrased at my "state of affairs". so much so i don't know where to start sometimes. seriously afraid. i was supposed to go away on the 1-2 of February with one of my dear friends. i got very ill two weeks ago - and my immediate thought was to cancel the trip. i needed to stay close to home and be well and focus on my health. tonight - i learned my dear friend had something happen to her yesterday that will prevent her from going on the trip completely. this IS divine intervention. she felt awful. but we talked through it. we both know there is a reason we are not to drive two hours in the winter to Elmira. there is a reason we are to be close to home. we'll figure it out when the weekend comes. for me - an immediate reason is finances. it wa s a committment i made that i really cannot afford right now. i COULD when i MADE the committment. but things have changed. life happens. it's the first of the year and with all of my health problems - i had to shell out my deductible in one week. normally takes several months! for my friend and i - someone is trying to tell us something.
then another dear friend asked a favor of some friends. it wasn't much. and i jump up and raise my hand high to help out. becuase it was a simple, selfless request. paying it forward is the way i look at it. simple. i can pay it forward all day long. becuase i know, faith or not, that one of these days, it will ALL come around back to me. it has to. i've been paying it forward for months now.
so - will i think about praying tonight before bed. you betcha. will i actually get around to doing it? i think just maybe i might. will someone reach out and offer me some guidance on putting an end to all of my financial worry? a hand up instead of a hand out? i doubt it. but hey - then again - you never know.
so to my sweet friend who got my head a thinkin and my heart a pouring out - i just want you to know how grand i think you are. i think you doubt yourself sometimes and your goodness. but girl - you've got so much goodness it spills out of you and your husband. daily - i would imagine. much love to you sister!
night night. make it a GREAT monday.