i had a dr appt today.
i asked my SIL to go with me.
because i knew my husband would say "i have to work".
i decided to go alone.
didn't want to inconvenience anyone.
i'm tired of complaining and hurting.
i'm tired of it always being about me.
tired of always needing someone else.
i wanted to be alone today.
i wept at my desk several different times before i left.
i felt brave.
for the first time in a long time.
i had a wodnerful breakfast with my daughter.
she asked my how my day was.
at 6:30am over pancakes, strawberries and cream.
she was gorgeous in the morning light from the window.
i wanted to cry.
but i didn't.
she rode her bike to the sitter today while i walked beside her.
when did she learn to ride it?
she just knew how to do it.
i was amazed again at her beauty.
i dropped her off.
she said, "have a good day momma. i will miss you today."
sealed it with a kiss and she was off.
i walked back home.
i got through the morning.
i am learning to blow off stupidity from colleagues.
i blew it off about 6 times today.
i went to the doc.
did i say i was brave today?
i was brave today.
we talked about paget's disease.
he doesn't think i have it.
but he's boggled.
so he did a biopsy.
left breast - one and a half inch incision.
the nurse was kind.
she was warm. and caring.
and she stood right next to me.
a hand on my shoulder.
her other hand in mine.
i didn't ask her to do it.
she knew.
you could see it in her eyes.
or perhaps could she see the fear in mine?
my surgeon is kind.
he's a good man.
he looks like my dad - who i miss more than words can say
it's nothing.
i'm sure it's nothing.
i tell myself it's nothing.
but still.
you think.
and so i came home.
took some hydrocodone.
and slept.
i woke up just in time
to see my girl before she went to bed.
she looked more beautiful than ever.
she asked if my boobie boo-boo was better yet.
she rubbed my arm.
she wrapped herself around me leg and said -
you will be better mommy. just wait. you'll see.
i've written recently how awful it has been.
how challenging motherhood has been.
so full of angst, doubt, fear.
and i wouldn't change it for the world.
i'm trying
to find good
to find happy
to be kind
trying so hard
just wait.
you'll see.


and i should be sleeping.

i have been so tired.
the kind of tired where you can doze at a stop light.
the kind of tired where it physically hurts to get out of bed.
the kind of tired where you count how many more hours until "bedtime".
the kind of tired that you wish you could go away like the ahsley judd in the Ya-Ya movie and sleep in a drug induced haze for days where no one knows where you are or when you will be back.
i so wanted this blog to make a turn.
to be a happy place to glean inspiration from.
but it's my journal.
and it turns dark so often.
to me it seems like january was just yesterday. and i was sick after having had a endoscopy on new years eve. i spent january sick... to have my liver begin to shut down in april from gall stones left behind from the gall bladder removal last august. after having an outpatient procedure to blast them all out - i figured that was it. i was done and feeling better. i began to lose weight. 22 pounds to be exact. and i thought this was it! my fresh start to a new year. and here - it's almost over already.

and then i noticed it. the lump. left breast. more of the unknown. more worry. the lump. along with some itching. and some scaliness. the lump two docs felt - that didn't show up in a mammo, sono, or MRI. the lump that's still there. the itching that's still there. that was treated with a steroid cream. and is still there. not better and now larger.

i had to go back and ask for anti-anxiety meds again. i went off it in january - and my anxiety is at an all time high again. several different factors playing into that i won't go into now. i digress - at my visit yesterday. i tell the doc - the boob? yeah. still itching. the cream - didnt do a damned thing. he leaves the room to consult some books. he comes back. tells me to get in to see my surgeon immediately and have a biopsy. he says it appears to be Paget's Disease of the Breast. (there is an osteo-related Paget's Disease.. i do NOT have that). I don't know if i have it of the breast either - but Jesus. it's scary. he told me to read up on it - but don't look at the pictures. its like going past an accident and being told not to look. you have to!

i have not told anyone other than my husbamd, my best friend, and my SIL. normally, i blurt it out to anyone. just can't this time. so tired of hearing - "it's prob nothing". i'm scared. and am damn tired of being sick and tired. i took a good, close, hard look at my breast tonight. it's changed. really. changed. i have ignored it for months. afraid to look. but it's just not right.

and i'm tired.
so tired i'm afraid to sleep as i'm afraid for tomorrow to come.
i feel alone.
and scared.
and i am so exhausted i could sleep for days.

surely will update soon... and you're right. it's probably nothing. but i won't stop until i have some answers.


My Pal - RON IRIZARRY - about to be HUGE!!!

click on Press Release Below to read the news! I am SO very proud of this man... you have NO idea. We have known each other for almost 20 years now... and just recently got back in touch last year...he was a HUGE part of my childhood - and only recently - did I get a chance to truly thank him. he had NO idea!! he was one of my best friends in high school. my rock. my salvation most days. and sorry ladies - he's just recently engaged! aww shucks! what a CATCH too!!! Keep your ears open - he's gonna be HUGE!!!!


i am in love...

this is being shipped and on it's way to me...

can you say TALENT this woman has??

holy moses! check out her art! i can assure you there will be many more to come to the May household!!


happy looking! gotta LOVE me some Etsy!!!


happy happy

not much to report - just thought that title sounded good.. and perhaps if by osmosis - i could feel a little happy - life would be good. let's see... haven't dusted off the ole blog in a few days... things have been a wee lil hectic around here.

daddy has been out of town now for two entire weeks - save for the few hours he was here sunday night and monday night. then i went to my stamp club tuesday - he left wednesday morning and we haven't seen him since. i miss him. truly, genuinely, miss him. my heart hurts kind of missing.

it's been good though - aside from the learning-how-to-handle-a-so-i-am-told-typical-three-year-old - it's finally gotten better. i was trying to swing it week two with no sitter - since mine is on vacation - and i just couldn't do it. thankfully - i have a wonderful friend who i am now proud to call my backup plan. i don't think K will ever want to go anywhere else now - she's been so spoiled! making that choice was the best thing i could do for her AND for me. got loads done at work the last two days and hopefully tomorrow. work... sore - VERY sore subject for me now. anyone hiring??

i have some DT stuff to get done with some October Afternoon product i am DYING to play with - just have had NO time this week or last - and it's killing me. got pics printed - lo's sketched out.. embellies on the ready.. and just not enough time. so tomorrow? tomorrow we scrap! deal? deal! i am taking my hour lunch - and will scrap and will scrap alll night long tomorrow night!

ok - boring post. i know - tired of ranting here in cyberspace. i'm a real downer these days! SO - happy happy!!!

who's reading anyhow? i always say i'm gonna do a RAK and never get enough comments! SO - I will send a fun lil RAK to the TENTH person to comment on this post!!! and promise happy posts for the next TEN DAYS!!!! because afterall - today is the 10th! sounds like a good number!!!

peace and good vibes to my buddy May Flaum and also to my BFF - Joaney - she had a tough day being a momma today.

be good.


"why do you let this get to you..." he says

DISCLAIMER: this blog is a space for me to journal. if you will read the following and assume it's a pity party - then to hell with you. it's not. it's MY journal. just trying to work out some emotional stuff...thankyouverymuch!

ok - so i sit here, it's 11:00pm. I should take a prescribed narcotic (since i'm out of ambien)and just get some sleep already. but my head is reeling. i am doubtful. i am on the edge of what i like to call a parental failure breakdown. i have had two anxiety attacks today - complete with dizziness, chest pains, and an inability to catch my breath. i can do this. i am strong. i can push through. i kept telling myself this today. it worked. on occassion.

my daughter has been having a rough period. she's been having temper tantrums on a whim. they last for hours sometimes. she wakes up with them. she battles, she fights. i do everything in my power to have a plan to prevent them from happening. keeping her focused. having a plan. these things seems to help her. USED TO seem to help her. not anymore. the shape of her cantaloupe in the morning not begin what she expected is enough disaster to create an entirely negative day for her. LITERALLY. everything goes wrong for her. the wrong fork, the wrong shoes, the wrong color of clouds, then not having enough clouds on HER side of the car as we drive down the road. LITERALLY. these are the things she screams and kicks about.

what i don't get here - this REALLY is not her typical behavior. i would not coin her as a spoiled brat. normally, she is respectful, sweet, polite... an all around pleasant child. creative. playful. imaginative. but then it's almost as if something snaps. something turns off and this other kid turns on. and when it happens, it goes on for days. this switch in the child pushes me over the edge. i don't having coping mechanisms for it. her behavior is such that it deems discipline. time out used to work - as little as 1-3 minutes. NOW? she can sit in her time out spot for 30 minutes and scream bloody murder the entire time.

the part that scares me the most is this look i see in her when it happens. it's like something disappears from her eyes. her body is full of rage. she says horrible things. she uses the word hate. i don't say that word in front of her. shit - what the hell - holy cow - yes - she hears those things - but HATE? not even close. i LOATHE hearing that word come from a child's mouth. it's worse than the eff word in my opinion. and she says it - usually under her breath - after i've disciplined her in some way. then when i say, "excuse me?" she says, sweetly, "oh nothing." SHE'S THREE!!! what the hell? so - i digress. the rage will set in. she throws things, she wants to hit - she will begin the blood curdling screaming fits and get to a point of hyperventilating at which point i finally grab her, hold her tight and begin rocking her, usually cradling her and hugging her as tight to me as i can - and at that moment - her body just goes limp. she melts into me. her breathing slows. i feel her little hands tighten around me. she is squeezing me. she is hanging on for dear life.. yet she is limp. it's almost as if - she's just given in and is now exhausted.

AGAIN - this does not happen often - but when it does - it seems like it goes on for days. and you guessed it - never as full blown as i describe here when my husband is home. it's always just her and i. today - i planned an afternoon in the front yard. i got her a bucket, a hand shovel and we were going to plant some seeds and pull weeds. that lasted less than 2 minutes. she wanted her bike. i got the car keys, moved the car out of the driveway, blocked her in the driveway so she could ride her bike. she's still learning and she's petrified of it. she threw a fit. i tried sidewalk chalk. she wanted nothing to do with it. the temper started - we went in the house, she sat in time out, didn't work, so i put her in her room. she fell asleep within minutes. i let her sleep for about 2 hours. she woke up, cranky still, yelling at me. and it lasted for another two hours. ending with her going limp. again.

if you've stayed with me this long, i appreciate ya. if you got some seasoned motherly advice. bring it. i NEED it. i seriously do NOT know what to do.and when i called my husband for some support (he's out of town) he only said again - why do you let her get to you so easily? i wanted to tell him not to bother coming home.

i'm exhausted. going to pop whatever kind of pill i can find that will hopefully help me sleep tonight.

peace and hope for happy thoughts tomorrow. we are going to the dentist and then to see Wall-E...