She said, "I want to tell you a monkey story..." & updates...

right after she asked for a banana. I said of course! do tell do tell!

and so she began:

"once upon a time, there was a little monkey. he was very very hungry. so he asked his momma for a banana. they were not green anymore so she said ok. he peeled and peeled and peeeeeeeeled the skin off. he ate his banana. and he ate. and ate. and ate. and ate and ate some more. he ate so his belly was very very full. he drank some water. it was so good. he loved his banana. and his momma. and his dadda. and his bailey. he was soooo happy. the end."

this told to me tonight by my not quite three year old. is it me or is the child simply amazing?


So today i went for it. i got to experience first hand the machine women are convinced was invented by a man. as i'm sure it was. i held it together pretty well all day. my husband met me there. just knowing he was in the waiting room was supposed to be enough. it wasn't. the tech talked to me a little, told me about the test. asked if i was ok and ready to get started. i lost it. here i am, right boob flopped into this machine, she says, "here - come here." she puts her arms out like your mom would after a really bad day. and i just sunk. this complete stranger. it was like that kleenex commercial where people sit down in the middle of traffic and pour their hearts out to a complete stranger. i'm vulnerable, half naked, hugging a complete stranger. and blubbering like a complete idiot. this woman is now a saint to me. she handled breasts all day long and probably is responsible for finding breast cancer in tons of patients. she was kind. thoughtful. and really caring.i calmed instantly. she took my mind off of things. she reassured me. asked me about my daughter. she is a good person. and it WILL come back around to her someday. i am sure of it. the world needs more people like her.

it really wasn't so bad. the mammogram. it wasn't painful, just uncomfortable. but "the girls" are pretty large AND saggy so it's easy to flop em up on in the vice gripper i suppose. the tech did the exam. radiologist read them. she did ANOTHER exam of the left side. she said - your tissue is very dense. that's not good. we can't get a good look but he sees something there. nice. they do a sonogram. she leaves, radiologist reads it. he comes in with the tech. they examine the left side again. i hear lots of hmms, that's it. yup, not sure. there's something there. they tell me, because my tissue is so dense, it will require an MRI to rule out any cancerous mass. that's the first time i heard that word loud and clear. and i about peed my pants. again, he said, it's probably nothing. but a mammogram misses cancerous diagnosis in women with dense tissue by 16%. MRI only 1-3% chance of missing something. this is the best course of action. he's a good man. he's thorough. i appreciated that.

but now? i have to wait. he's got to write up a report for my doc. my doc has to get authorization for the MRI. then i have to get an appt. no fun for me. though - sure - i keep saying - it's probably nothing. so that is where i am at.

still a mess. angry. angry at the world right now. and taking it out on my husband. he could have been more compassionate. more sincere. given me a hug or something. told me it was ok to cry. but no. i'm screaming on the inside because i don't feel i have the right to scream and yell and be angry. and cry. i just don't. and that makes me even more angry.

so. i'm content to be angry for a few more weeks. so long as i can end my day with a monkey story or two. it makes all the sadness and pain i'm feeling on the inside so totally worth every minute of it.




so - i made an appointment for my doc a couple of weeks ago - for something i didn't want to talk about. something i was denying. then - poof - out of the clear blue - i get a whopping case of bronchitis on sunday. i call in sick to work monday. sleep all day. go to the doc yesterday.

problem was, and i was afraid to even say this outloud, i found a lump in my left breast. now - of course - i know it's common. i know we all have them. but you can't tell me for one fucking minute you don't freak out when you hear a doctor say, "wow, yeah - there does seem to be something there. it's about 3cm. well - it's probably nothing, but we need to do a mammogram to check for cancer just to be on the safe side. though - ITS PROBABLY NOTHING. might just be a blocked milk duct."

probably nothing. and he's probably right. but when you have a family. and when you have a daughter. that probably nothing flashes like probably something every 5-10 minutes before my eyes. don't post and tell me it's probably nothing. as i know that. it's probably not. but Jesus. anyone who knows me KNOWS i've had my fair share of health problems in just the last 2.5 months - let alone the last 5 years. i am TRYING SO HARD to take better care of myself. because without me - my family's got nothing, right? so WHY ME? oh and on the up side - i've lost 22 pounds since my doctor saw me last. he couldn't believe the difference!

so anyhow - bare with me as i rant. this is where i come to for it. it's really hard to talk to my husband as my pessimism is HIS biggest pet peeve of me. so i rant. out into the world.

oh and the post title. irony. look at my blog banner. i laugh at it. irony.




my sitter - pure goodness - this woman. teaches my child awesome things. at breakfast today, kennedy quizzed me:

her: what's rule #1?
me: huh?
her: one at a time!
her: what's rule #2?
me: um dunno?
her: drink in between!
her: what's rule #3?
me: hmmm.. tell me.. (I am intrigued at this point at the sheer brilliance of my not even 3 year old)
her: take little bites!!!

my sitter then calls me this morning asking if i would like homemade veggie bean burgers and homemade pita slices grilled in garlic and olive oil... umm - need you ask me TWICE? bring it sister! she shows up, lets herself in - leaves me a to go package on the dining table - let's herself out - and i never even know she's here!

pure random thoughtful goodness. do a little on your own today for someone least expectng it.



yes... everybody POOPS!

and tonight - it was my girlie Q!!! on the POTTY!!! I am OVER THE TOP excited to share this news. I was not home to witness it - but was at my monthly card club when i got The Call. I hear this little voice on the other end - suddenly get VERY loud and say (shrieking with excitement) "Momma!!! I pooped! I pooped! Go get Hungry Hippos PLEASE!!!"

We had resorted to bribery. and hey - whatever works! my child is well mannered, polite, and VERY respectful for not quite three. if I have to bribe her on occasion - I am not above it. So get Hungry Hippos I did, along with new panties, new jammies, and the coolest, biggest Littlest Pet Shop Toy Target had on hand! I could NOT get home fast enough tonight! I drove about 85 mph the entire way home!

When I walked in the door she literally jumped up into my arms and squeezed me SO tight! When I asked her what happened she clearly reported this: "I pooped. On THE potty! All by myself. I was a good girl! It looked like a potato!!!" I cried with laughter! A POTATO????? YES! A POTATO!!!

LOVE that kid. we played about 30 rounds of Hungry hungry Hippos, because as she will tell you - their bellies just couldn't get full enough! I also realized tonight - Momma is in love with the littlest Pet Shops. I mean - they are SO stinkin CUTE! And boy - do those guys know how to have fun! The clubhouse came complete with a swingin vine, basket, AND skateboard! woo hoo!

i am one proud, tired, broke momma tonight. and i wouldn't have it any other poopin way!