well... looky here - i've lost a load of weight - 29 pounds to be exact... and wait for it.. wait for it... i found it! PRAISE JESUS! it's back! i have ENERGY. i have motivation. i have a desire to do things. to move. to play. i think the energy let itself in the back door, snuck up to my room while i was sleeping, and eased himself right back into me through my newly cleared airways. i honestly feel like i have a new lease on life.
i spent many months, mentally making myself actually go a tad bit crazy. all the things that were going wrong with my body? when i said them outloud, i seriously thought to myself.. people must think i make this shit up. i honestly couldn't make this shit up. that i want attention. i really don't. i like to lie on the downlow these days. so - i put this out there - into my sweet universe. if you know someone that has severe sinus problems... just understand. ask what you can do to help. until you lived with it so severe, that the doc tells you "the surgery was a rough one. i've never seen "matter" calcified to the insides of passages like yours"... don't slough off that person's complaints and malaise for a cold. and for God's sake and all things living, don't offer them a damn cough drop when they say they don't feel good.
i feel like shoutin off the rooftops... "Shelley's got her groove back...." but i'll wait a few days. i need a taller ladder and some warmer clothes.
look for more blog entries and inspiration in the future. and stay tuned for some pics, as i've got my studio cleaned up, my christmas inspiration corner in check, and i dare you not to listen to Christmas music every day, all day, from now till the glow of rudolph's nose leaves your neighborhood.
- my office. it's not a pretty place. and it once was. and should be. is full of inspiration, but void of any motivation. need to declutter and regroup.
- organizing scrap embellishments. was done once. then a crop came. got all tore up again. needs to be finished again. won't take much time.
- a place/folder/spot for all of school's comings and goings. i'm the mom that never knows what's going on at school. this is NOT good. (why is it none of the moms there talk to me, 'cept Missy of course. hmmm)
- decorate bedroom. this has never been done. not once since i moved in with ron - gasp - almost 10 years ago. i've spent the last 6 nights alone in here, kinda like it that way. it needs to be a beautiful place.
- unfinished conversation with husband. many things need to be discussed. and i need to get on with it.
- unpacking from trips. i never seem to get this done and looking at my suitcase daily makes me want to run away.
- my book i'm reading. it's good, just not making the time to finish it.
- goals for my new position with work. it's been almost one year, and i've still not decided on goals. moving out of the "reactive" mode and moving into my favorite "proactive" mode.
- Kennedy's room... it's taken on a life of it's own. time to reel it back in.
- scrapping. reclaim this time in my life. i've not done it really since april. that;s disgusting. honestly disgusting. i need this. it makes me sane.
sounds like a lot? but really? when i read it? if i want any of it badly enough, i can make it happen in a weekend. if i start to feel better, this weekend might just be it!!!! now, off to sleepy land.
I had sinus surgery on Thursday. It will hopefully be the start to better health for me and an end to asthma. I want to get well and feel healthy... more than you know, sweet blog readers. This is an outpatient gig, with little recovery time, I thought. I had this done once before. I remembered very little, which told me recovery was easy and only a couple of days. Well - this time around, surgery was about 3 hours long. I was "pickled" with polyps and had a pretty good sized cyst in one cheek. I overheard the nurses saying my heart rate "freaked out" while coming out of anesthesia and they gave me some meds to bring it down. They kept me in recovery for about 2.5 hours. had me on oxygen the whole time. That tells me I had a bit of a rougher time coming "out of it" than normal. (I'm a pro at surgery - this is my 6th in 6 years.)
The pain was in control Thursday and Friday - and Saturday I think it all caught up with me. I was in and out of sleep and took lots of pills. The pain is like no other and can only be described as a horrific sinus headache coupled with the sensation that your teeth might fall out at any moment. Add in a good dose of vertigo, nausea, and you're all set for a party. I think I am passt the worst of it. I took today off from work as well, not listening to the Doc who said I needed to take the entire week off. I really should.... I've had WAY to much time to think and put things in perspective in the last 4 days.
So - this brings me to my next soapbox. The holidays. I have a REALLY tough time with them every year. I fake it most years by throwing myself into decorating and crafts. Decorations that no one ever sees, because I don't invite my family over. My father died 19 years ago this January. This simple fact makes it very difficult for me to embrace the holidays and BE PRESENT in the moments and ENJOY them. This year? I really am going to commit to myself to make it different. I think in order for me to do so, it will involve preparation and some organization. Making lists and sticking to them. Kennedy is finally at an age where she can really get involved. She will remember some small traditions we've started and she will really want to be a part of things... the decorating, baking, etcetera. She LOVES IT. So I'm thinking of doing the following beginning today:
- blogging everyday - keeping it real - sharing.
- Sweets on Thursdays - just one night a week for she and I to get messy and bake. I figure this will give us a chance to try new recipes and something to look forward to each week for both of us.
- Muffin Tin Mondays - an idea i read on a blog that i just adore that would make one night of meal planning fun
- December Daily Album - i am already planning much of this in my head and will gather everything by the end of this weekend - and getting Kennedy involved in this as much as possible
- Planning Activities - like the Polar Express Train Ride in Utica, going to see Christmas Movies, Ice Skating downtown... taking it ALL in!
- ENJOYING the little things. Sad - but we have to remind ourselves to do this...
- working on my blog. Where/how can i create a fun background, title, etcetera? I am NOT tech savvy when it comes to digital elements.. so any tips or direction would be greatly appreciated!!! I need a fresh start!
So that's my random rant for today. It's a start. Excuse the randomness... pain killers are still cycling through my body and they feel goooood.
Happy November....it's only going to get better from here. Because I said so.
IT WORKED! My letter into the sweet universe - WORKED. Well - for one day anyhow. I can't tell you what a PROUD momma I am of you today. Last night, before you fought bedtime, you said... "hey mom. i have an idea. how 'bout i sleep with no pull up tonight and maybe not wet my bed?" I explained to you that I felt this was a fabulous idea, and that you needed to sleep under the covers for a change. (weird issue with not sleeping under ANYTHING but haggard old blankie even when it's 15 below outside) I explained how you had a new mattress, with a new mattress pad, and that if you had an accident - which is OKAY - that we'd only need to change said sheet and mattress pad. You didn't agree. You opted for a pull up. This is still completely okay.
This morning, I woke up extra early, showered, got ready for the day and even got my own breakfast out of the way. By 7, you still were not awake. I went up to get you and you woke up like a new girlie! You were happy, eager to start the day. We came downstairs, changed the pull up - to find... YOU WERE DRY!!!! Completely DRY! I was SO excited. You had a completely, 100% problem free morning. You were excited to go to school, we left early so I could fill up with gas, squeeze in a car wash and we stopped at D&D.
After I dropped you off, Dad called to check in. Because I was out like a light thanks to my Ambien fix last night, Daddy informed me that he heard you up at midnight, you went potty by yourself and got right back in bed like a big girl. I say WAY TO GO LIL MOMMA! You're finally getting it! I was so excited with this progress, we stopped for milkshakes on the way home from school. You were STILL in such good spirits... I relished in it. This makes for a MUCH better day for momma too.
Nanna informed me after I "got home" from work you were an angel allll day!!!! Due to the annoying workers in our yard installing FIOS in the neighborhood (a whole other post for a WHOLE other day), we opted to go out to dinner. Your choice. Once again - you were angelic. Eating and behaving like a "little lady". Today - you make momma proud. I know tomorrow may bring out the other side, but for now, I celebrate you. (well - i celebrate you EACH and every day) I love you. I am amazed by you. I bask in your beauty and am in awe. Keep it up big girl.
(and ps... thanks for asking why momma is so sick. I wish we knew girlie. I REALLY wish we knew. maybe us putting THAT out into the universe will help. And girlie... I sure hope that I am better by Halloween, too. trust me.)
Tonight, you told Daddy that "I can't deal with Shelley right now. I've had it with her." At first thought, I really wanted to laugh. Inside, I began to cry hysterically. These last several months with you have been less than easy. You have become mean, almost downright hateful on some occasions. I question myself and my ability to parent, because the actions you portray, you really do not see at home. Though Daddy and I have difficult times, we don't fight, call names, hit, or say hateful things to one another. I battle my brain to find where you get this from. You get so frustrated so very easily over what seem like simple tasks. You hit. You throw things. You yell. You stomp. You growl. You slam doors. We, as your parents, don't do any of these things. Often times, you bustle in to my room before the sun has greeted me making unreasonable demands of me before I've even opened my eyes. When I sweetly tell you no and ask you to come snuggle with me for a bit, you scream, yell, and storm off and slam my door. My patience is very slim with this sort of behavior. I feel on edge most days, when you wake up in this manner. I shake, I lose my appetite, I cry. Almost every, single day. And no one see this either.
I want so much in this world for you, and will give my all to see that you get it. I want for you to learn grace under pressure and patience. I want for you to be kind and selfless. Sweet and compassionate. Giving. Helpful. Inspirational. I want you to know and love the simple things out of your life. I want you to learn what a sweet feeling it is to wake up to a sweet snuggle and hug and know that it really IS ALL Momma needs to start her day on the right foot. I want you to be happy. Simply happy. Because I truly believe once you have that, everything else falls into place.
I promise you I will always endure these sorts of periods in your life. Endless love. It's what it's all about. As you've already learned, we still love you even when you're naughty. We just don't like the behavior. I am putting this out into the universe, because then it will be off my mind. I want so much for you to grow past whatever this is you are currently going through. I want you to let go of all that makes you angry right now and just slow down and enjoy being four. Enjoy school, your new friends. You are so very smart and advanced for your sweet, tender age, that I really think at times, it fuels your frustration. You have so many things going through your mind at such a fast pace, I think it frustrates you that you can't break it all down so simply.
I want you to know that no, you CANNOT call me Shelley at any time under any circumstances, but I will always answer to Momma, Mommy, Mom or Ma. I am here for you. I will teach you by example and we will grow through this together. But I just want you to know, it doesn't mean I have to like your behavior right now. Not. One. Single. Bit.
I love you.
Outside my window... almost blue sky, a cool, calming breeze, birdies…
I am thinking... how easy it is to be miserable and why being happy couldn’t be that easy?
I am thankful for... peace and quiet and the ability to earn a living from my home.
From the kitchen... muffins, homemade lemon bars and left over yummy chicken begging to be turned into a chicken salad for dinner… oh and a dirty kitchen floor. Blech.
I am wearing... flip flops, grey t, and jeans
I am reading... piles of management books…
I am hoping... to embrace this summer and play like I’ve never played before.
I am creating... ideas in my head to put into action…
I am praying... for peace of mindAround the house... piles and then organized things – how is it possible to have both? There are also lots of projects to be done…
One of my favorite things... Mondays. Lately – this is my quiet day – a time to plan – reflect and start new. I’m so thankful I get this every eighth day!
A few plans for the rest of the week... see what I’m hoping for above and – a trip to the market – grocery shopping, work and more work and finding the time to fit in reading those piles of management books so I can get caught up on my classes!
- Tortilla Roll Up bites - 2 diff variations - one with ham, lettuce, chive cream cheese, the other with Cajun Turkey, Chipolte Cheese Spread - then rolled up, cut into bite size pieces.. easy - simple - and oh so yummy!
- BLT Dip - another easy one - sour cream - mix in some onion powder and garlic, top with Peppercorn bacon, cheese, lettuce, and tomatoes! service with Ritz Chips.. YUM-O!
- Ro-Tel Dip - Velveeta melted - dump in a can of Ro-Tel... DELISH!
- Cheese Cake Brownies
The entire night - I kept hearing - "Dude! Your wife ROCKS!" or "Man - i don't think my wife would EVER do this for me" and " Man - you've got to host poker ALL the time now!" and then twice (and i don't think they knew i heard this) "Dude - his wife ROCKS! too bad she's taken!" hehehe was AWESOME! Especially Kennedy's every 15-20 minute trips out to the garage to say "Hi boooooys... how's the poker going???" THEY LOVED HER!!!
I hope the guys know I did all that because I honestly enjoy it and really hope they all come back for a visit again soon!!! (I took 2 pics - will post tomorrow!)
On another note - it's been raining in CNY for I dunno - three days now? ICK! It's just enough to make everything a lil teeny tiny humid - but not much.. and a lil cooler at night - which is awesome. I spent the day with my mom today.. took her to her hair appointment, tooled around some thrift shops... then lunch at my now most favorite place... Olives... the BEST Panini EVER...Turkey, Cranberry, Brie, and a thin slice of Granny Smith apple.. oh sweet heaven. I wish I had my camera with me to take a pic and share - it's REALLY that friggin good!!!
Practically stole a 4 foot by 3 foot frame from Hobby Lobby this week and this weekend I went to Lowes and got peg board to fill it with. I will be hanging this in the studio for tool storage.. will certainly post a pic when complete.... I can't wait! Now I just have to determine... do I want to go with a black/pink/white decor theme in the studio - or simply shabby chic? Shabby is really my fav and a dream - and i don't think i will ever get away with it in any other room of the house... so... still pondering...
that's about all for now. enjoying some ice cream now, a move - The Pursuit of Happyness.. and then sweet, sweet slumber. happy weekend all - AND - Happy Father's Day!!!
Your time is limited, don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma, which is living the result of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinion drowned out your own inner voice. Most imporant, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition, they somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary. ~Steve Jobs
and i leave you with eye candy.. enjoy. and i'll be back real soon. promise.
many things making us happy right now. right this moment.
- a tax return. ahh. renewed.
- planting seedlings in a little coutnertop green house and watching them grow - literally - right before our eyes. we've got sunflowers, morning glory, tomatoes, lavendar. can't wait to get these in the ground.
- fresh cut flowers from the market. in multiple rooms. happiness.
- smiles. in spite of having pneumonia, colds and the flu in this house - still seeing plenty of smiles.
- summer just around the corner.
- school - ahh how we loooove school these days.
- being home. we've made this place a home and i just love waking up in it every stinkin day. love it.
- finding balance with work. the chaos is finally coming to a close. sweet Jesus in the morning. i'm finding balance. and no longer feel as though i'm suffocating.
sweet blog readers - i'm trying to find the words. and this is healthy for me. so i plan to be back more often. going cropping with some girlfriends this friday. i am pulling up my boots and being a bigger person. i have a retreat to go to the following weekend and i've been all sorts of scrappy this weekend past. pure goodness.
- i've been promoted. huge. my days are like no other. i don't know how to manage my time. i'm working ever so hard to manager my team. i want them to succeed. the growing pains are hard. for all of us. i'm humbled by the new gig in spite of the economy. proud of myself. i worked hard for this. i deserve this. (still don't fully believe it - buti'm getting there)
- we've moved. new house. new year. new start. i friggin love my new house. friggin love it. my studio/office is the bonus room. yeah - think size a two-friggin-car garage. huge bonus for momma. did i mention i love this friggin house? it's clean and free of mold and drafts and other unweildy things we won't bring up.
- K started a new preschool. she loves it. i love it. it's art. it's music. it's freinds. it's learning to be a better girlie. the old - was not what we needed. i don't think religion and school belong together. i never fully understood it until now. there is a time and place for everything, and memorizing bible verses is not going to get my girl far in kindergarten. i know that's a harsh political statement. keep your opinions to yourself. this is my blog. ;) this pic has nothing to do with this statement, but it's damn funny.. beauty rest mask, hello kitty tent, water bottle, portable dvd player, sleepy abg, and pop-o-corn... nothing could be better on a friday night.
- i am sick. again. see above statement. new preschool> new grimy toddler germs.
- getting settled - loving it. excited to make the new place a home. cozy. and warm. lots of new things. loving this life.
- i spend my nights as i lie in bed, praying like the dickens for a dear sweet friend of mine and her mother. love love to you sweet sweet friend.
that's it really... when i figure out how to better manage my days as a supervisor to 11 people... perhaps i can fit in blogging in the wee hours before anyone in the house is awake. pray for me.
peace and all that other good stuff.