So - I must admit - I started off planning aka Ali E style with gusto. I set up a little Christmas Cheer section in the studio - a little corner unit in my office with all of my Christmas stash. Bought new supplies - found some old ones that made me smile. Quite honestly - this little corner just plain made me happy. This was done about the beginning of November... AND to make it all complete, I popped in my favorite vintage kinda nightlight with the bubbly candle thingy with a little Santa hanging off of the side. Oh wait - one more thing.. Apple cinnamon candles. Yes - the spirit was flowing freely. and then? then what you ask?
and then it happened.
somehow - someway - this conversation pops up from time to time. most times easier to digest than others. a few times a year - not so easy to digest. like on my birthday. K's birthday. the entire month of june. then - the holidays. you see - it's a rather simple question - "How old's your Dad?" then - the awkward response - because no matter how you phrase it - the asker of the question really does not know how to answer when you respond with - "My Dad's been gone for 18 years now." eighteen. wow.more than half my life now. and I still remember the day like it was yesterday. the question came up - i casually answered and then fought within telling myself to NOT let it go. keep the cheer present - don't give in to this sadenss that seems to overcome me every year during the holidays.
people telling me as i grieved at 17 - it will get easier. you'll move on. but it doesn't and you don't. eighteen years later - it's not any easier. i just find different ways to deal with it. you see, my Dad died kind of suddenly, though he was ill - it was sudden - and unexpected. and it all happened the day after a horrific fight he had with my oldest brother. and it happened on January 2nd. happy new year for me. starting fresh - i immediately re-live the past.
normally - i try and embrace the holidays and fake my way through it with false sense of cheer and joy. i try and overcompensate for my pure sense of gloom and sadness by going over the top with decorations - Dad would have loved that. I go above and beyond with the baking and the cooking - because Dad would have loved that. Dad would have totally thought I rocked the apple pie - homemade crust and all. he would have DEVOURED my homemade pumpkin pie i made on thanksgiving this year. but this year - it's weird. i can't find it. i can't fake it.
granted - it's only just Dec 1 - there's still time to pull off my act. but for once, dear Lord up above - I hand this over to you - for once? I want to feel the genuine cheer and goodwill of this season. it's not about gifts and commercialization. I want to be in the moments. i want to hear laughter and joy. i want to feel it. I do not want to fake it. let something happen to me that will make me learn and grow as a momma. let me be put in a situation that will humble me. let me learn to move on and hand it over.
so very much has happened in the last couple of weeks - that i am not quite ready to write about yet. but for me - it was pretty tragic. i mean seriously - i know - doom and gloom girl? another tragedy? but yup - this one we didn't see coming. when i find the peace of mind and comfort within my heart - i will write about it. maybe in an hour - maybe a couple of days... but i think once i can put my true feelings to paper about it - my "wish" will be granted.
So - Sweet December - I spent this evening - in an effort to feel joy and just went on a car ride with my husband. Now that gas prices are manageable - we can afford to do that again. it's very senior like of us - but something we've always loved doing. something about the close comfort of our new little Santa Fe, the warm heat - the Christmas tunes playing - just makes me feel a little safer. a little more connected. We are looking for a new house and took a drive out to Constantia... in the country... pitch black countryside - so not a good look at the house - but wanted to get a feel for the area. My how i hope it all works out in the end. everything we are reaching for and working towards. so - i send it out into the open and i hand it over. i am praying for peace of mind. and praying for a real opportunity to know and feel joy this holiday season.
amen to that. keep reading - i'm going to attempt my december daily here... since yeah - umm - doom and gloom kept me from every finishing my december dialy album.
peace blog readers. find your joy in the holiday season, too.