my rear view.

it seems each morning, in the rear view mirror glimpses, i see deeper. i see more of my future. i am scared. i am joyful. i am excited. i am fearful. i want to cling. i breath. i catch a breath. i hold on. i grasp my fingers tighter and tighter to the steering wheel. my eyes well up with tears. i grin. i smile. i laugh. i get butterflies. i am thankful. i am grateful. i am full. i am in awe. i have created that being back there. that little person that sits behind me. that little person that trusts me with ever ounce of their being still to guide them. i am still in full control of everything they do. yet at the same moment in time, i have learned i have to somehow start letting them fall. and grow. and those wings have become huge.

the month of may almost needs to become my january. my month of beginnings. because it seems like every may one, i begin to feel refreshed. like its my chance to start over, cleanse, fix, purge, take charge, get rid of, detox. i guess becoming a momma does that to a person. and owning the month with it being my last name, makes me a little more prideful of the month of may. this IS our month after all. my girl was born in may. wow. how powerful to me. when i learned i was pregnant i calculated instantly the month she would be here. and i knew it was the absolute most serendipitous miracle ever to happen to me.

i had a difficult time conceiving to begin with. so when my miracle became a reality, the fact that she was due the same month as my last name, the same month as my birthday, right near mother's day? yep. there's your sign. this lil girl's gonna be something big. something special. she was truly a gift. more than a blessing. i've always said she was an old soul. last night, she had a look about her. like something was really weighing heavy on her mind. she's not a worrier. she's a good kid, who talks about things. she understands that worry belongs to adults and understands how to put things into perspective for a child her age. she doesn't put unrealistic situations in her mind to create worry where worry doesn't need to exist. so i know that when she gets a look, she's got a concern she can't shake. something she can't process or maybe not understand.

with a little coaxing, i got it out of her that she was concerned about how long she would live. and why do some children die so young. and how do they get sick. and what would happen to mommy and daddy. point blank? am i going to lose you and daddy?

dear jesus.

this rocked me to my core. i ran a warm tubby. put her in it. everything is better in a warm tubby. and we talked. and she rocked. and i rubbed her back. and we cried. and we talked and talked and talked. and that old soul in my rear view mirror matured before my very eyes.her eyes looked so far into my soul, i swear to God i saw my grandmother staring back at me telling me i was doing the right thing. i could feel her around me last night as i talked about her. we talked about my dad. she asked about her cousin justin (God rest his sweet angel soul). she never realized until just last night that Justin was HER cousin too. and that sweet fact broke my heart. she asked loads of questions.

and my rear view today. was solid. and heavy. heavy on my heart. because this morning i knew deep in my heart. i am creating awesome memories for that sweet girl everyday. and each year on her birthday? they solidify even deeper. and my future. gets sweeter. and as i looked back today? my heart soared. and in only 8  more days, i think i'll see even more maturity as she rounds the corner to seven. and i'm tightening my grip. and hanging on tight for the ride.


jennifer anderson said...

hug them up while they are little , while you can, because they grow up so fast.

Melonie said...

Beautiful post Shell:) I felt every word deep in my Mommy heart. (((HUGS)) for all of you.