and as my friend, robin said, "the paradigm has shifted." i read an amazing blog post today from a woman i've admired "virtually" for several years now. her little daily truths speak to me these days. they resonate so deeply down inside of me most days, it makes me realize there is a higher power. something that puts me in the right place at the right time. that allows me to hear just the words i need to in order to fight, be consistent, persevere, and often times, step back just a bit and just be.
it will not be a waste of your time to venture here and read the post. i will tell you, you will be moved.
i have thought about this post all day. around 330, my husband called me. simply to see how my day was. and he asked if really.. was i ok? i told him truthfully... no. something was missing. he finished my sentence for me. he said, "are you bored? i think you're bored. you need more right now." and i loved him that much more for that. because he read my sign. because, yes, he's right. i'm tired of the predictable nature of our days. i need to be challenged. pushed a little more. we talked pretty deeply about this subject. and i think loads of good will come out of it.
and in the end? i will say it again: he read my sign. and he read it loud and clear in stereo. my sign today? "i'm doing the best i can, but i never feel it's enough." he came home, made dinner, cleaned up the kitchen, put our girl to bed. all to help me get out of the house to a PTA meeting. so i could shake it up a bit and on-bored myself. and he's slowly showing me more and more of his sign. and i love him even more for that.
be good.
11.09.2010
CREATIVE TEAM CALL!!!
You know you wanna.
Go.
Check it.
DO.
Because I said so, damnit.
It's going to be fabulous.
And you'll want to be a part of it.
Trust me.
on trying to go to bed...
four times tonight. i've tried to head upstairs to go to bed. first i was my scrappy pals in chat. love them. then, it was hoarders. in total awe of that show. (i went and threw way a pile of mail that had stacked up) then it was my usual blog catch up. you see, i have this addiction to reading magazines and blogs. addicted. bad. and i have regular bloggers i have now followed for years. and so i read. and headed up to bed.
at which point, the girl woke up and wanted to get in bed with Dad. and didn't want to leave room for me. and started her two year old tantrum. to which i childishly stomped downstairs proclaiming.. "i'll just sleep on the couch". then, it was the kitchen sink. i had to empty it into the dishwasher. which meant i had to EMPTY the dishwasher. all because of the aforementioned bloggers.
some women who parent 4 times the amount of children as me. some hold full time jobs. some of them two. (what we like to call "real jobs" and then "creative jobs".) some are stay at home moms, which to me? is like a job in severe violation of the labor laws, if you ask me. no breaks, no lunch hours. 25/8 as i like to call it. (hats off SAHM!) some who fight daily struggle head on, with drive i'll never understand. it's when i read up on what these women are doing with their lives, i want to be more. do more. be a better momma. a more present momma. a less stressed momma. a more happy momma. more. (hmmm...i think i feel a OLW coming on for 2011!)
as i emptied and refilled that dishwasher, so many thoughts went through my head. the one task i hate the most, that brings my mother some kind of solace. she seems as though she enjoys it. and i loathe it. yet, i feel like i should be thankful to be able to do it. thankful we have food, that dirties the dishes that need to be cleaned in the dishwasher. and i am. don't get me wrong. but it leaves me thinking, maybe i'm not doing enough. so i push myself to do more. i volunteer now with the pta. and tonight, at about 400pm, i started freaking out over a meeting i had at 630pm. thoughts like: how will i be ready in time? what about dinner? what about not letting everyone know sooner that this is what i wanted to do tonight. is it enough? and i pushed myself.
i was ready in plenty of time. i started dinner. i got everything else out to go with - so there was no guessing on the part of the husband. and i left the house on time, with time to spare for coffee. and it was enough. dinner was decent, and everyone ate. and i came home to brownies being baked in the oven. and a plate covered and warm on the oven just for me. and it was enough.
stay tuned for my focus on attempting a joyful holiday season. simple, joyful holiday season. filled with things i want and need. the non-tangible things - unless being able to touch them on my heart counts.
peace and all that other stuff.
at which point, the girl woke up and wanted to get in bed with Dad. and didn't want to leave room for me. and started her two year old tantrum. to which i childishly stomped downstairs proclaiming.. "i'll just sleep on the couch". then, it was the kitchen sink. i had to empty it into the dishwasher. which meant i had to EMPTY the dishwasher. all because of the aforementioned bloggers.
some women who parent 4 times the amount of children as me. some hold full time jobs. some of them two. (what we like to call "real jobs" and then "creative jobs".) some are stay at home moms, which to me? is like a job in severe violation of the labor laws, if you ask me. no breaks, no lunch hours. 25/8 as i like to call it. (hats off SAHM!) some who fight daily struggle head on, with drive i'll never understand. it's when i read up on what these women are doing with their lives, i want to be more. do more. be a better momma. a more present momma. a less stressed momma. a more happy momma. more. (hmmm...i think i feel a OLW coming on for 2011!)
as i emptied and refilled that dishwasher, so many thoughts went through my head. the one task i hate the most, that brings my mother some kind of solace. she seems as though she enjoys it. and i loathe it. yet, i feel like i should be thankful to be able to do it. thankful we have food, that dirties the dishes that need to be cleaned in the dishwasher. and i am. don't get me wrong. but it leaves me thinking, maybe i'm not doing enough. so i push myself to do more. i volunteer now with the pta. and tonight, at about 400pm, i started freaking out over a meeting i had at 630pm. thoughts like: how will i be ready in time? what about dinner? what about not letting everyone know sooner that this is what i wanted to do tonight. is it enough? and i pushed myself.
i was ready in plenty of time. i started dinner. i got everything else out to go with - so there was no guessing on the part of the husband. and i left the house on time, with time to spare for coffee. and it was enough. dinner was decent, and everyone ate. and i came home to brownies being baked in the oven. and a plate covered and warm on the oven just for me. and it was enough.
stay tuned for my focus on attempting a joyful holiday season. simple, joyful holiday season. filled with things i want and need. the non-tangible things - unless being able to touch them on my heart counts.
peace and all that other stuff.
10.26.2010
I have issues...
- i have high expectations of people.
- i expect greatness.
- i need to be crafty on a regular basis.
SOOOOO... thank goodness i have some good, sweet, smart, crafty girlfriends to hand me tissues when the issues get to be too much. and push me to be creative.
and as proof of that? look what some of my girls are up to?
paper issues
the creative team here is sensational. they are a good group of crafty bitches who i adore. and i can tell you? i have high expectations of what's coming out of this new adventure. and can i assure you? it will be pure greatness. because i said so.
so - go check out paper issues and join the halloween linky party. tell 'em shelley may sent ya. become a follower. and love them. join them and share your issues.
be good and enjoy some pics of halloween crafts and such both old and new! enjoy!
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| my GOD she was cute! and look at the fancy logo on the pumpkin! hmmm.. wonder where momma works? |
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| a quickie halloween card made with scraps! |
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| another quickie with scraps! |
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| our masterpiece last year! i think we need to make another this weekend! this was SO fun! |
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| and this is the in-house decor this year! none for the outside this year! |
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| pumpkins a couple of years ago. apparently i slept less or had more time when kennedy was 3?? |
9.16.2010
KINDERGARTEN: The Words...
for months, i'd been planning. what she might like to wear. what kind of shoes she might want. what type of backpack. attending evaluation. attending orientation. i signed up for the PTA. i volunteered for committees. we went on vacation. a bit of a temporary diversion. we got back. the knots in my stomach came back. i was slowly falling apart. kindergarten was less than 2 days away.
i waited two years and went through several surgeries to get pregnant. i carried Kennedy with me for 7 months in and out of airplanes while i traveled all over the country for work. we had Kennedy on our due date, and she was either taken care of at home, or right next door, and recently, back at home. she's been my sidekick since conception. she's the apple that never left the branch to my eye.
i'm ok being away from her. though it's hard? i travel for work, and we've gotten used to it. does not make it easy. but we are ok with it. she'd gone to 2 full years of pre-school. i knew she was ready. i've known since she was 2 and began writing her name without assistance at TWO - she was ready. it was the whole bus thing. i was not ready for that. how do i know she GETS to school? how do i know she makes it? how do i know she knows how to get home? there were all these "yes but, how do i"'s...
the night before, we got all ready. we took an extra loooooong tubby. this is the point, i started to cry. she looked at me from the tub and says to me, "mom? it looks like you are the one that is having a hard time with this. you just need to deal with it. i'm going to school. maybe i should draw a heart in YOUR hand." dad and i cracked up. we blew out her hair dry, we painted nails. we got all spiffied up and beautified for the big day. she requested being all pinked up. i obliged of course.
the day came. she was so over the top excited. i was too, but with great reservation. my stomach hurt. like physically, actually hurt. we had breakfast, talked about the day ahead. went over the bus rules again, her address, her teacher's name, etcetera. she was SO ready. i went up to work.
she had lunch, i came down, got her ready. we curled her hair, got all pinked up.
brushed teeth. dad came home to not miss the special day. and we waited. and waited. and waited some more. the bus was almost 30 minutes late. as it came down the street. i started. the tears welled up. the bus stopped, she gave a quick hug and kiss.. and all i got was "BYE MOM! I LOVE YOU!" i think she bounced onto the bus.
as i looked up to see her lil head, barely visible find a seat, i caught a glimpse of the other lil girls. they were all teary eyed, red faced. sad. so very sad looking. i blinked. looked up again. there was my angel, in her seat, looking out the window. smile beaming for days. waving and blowing kisses to me. heart drawn in her hand. and mine. and the bus drove away.
i lost it. i physically hurt. i just stood there. in awe. and i actually felt as though something was being ripped from my insides. i was not the same that entire day. i cried on and off all day. it came time for the bus to come back down the street. i cried again as i saw it turn the corner. then thought - what if she got on the wrong one? the bus stopped... she bumbled down the steps yelling... " MOMMMMA!!!!!" with a huge smile on her face still.
and all was right in my world again. this child LOVES school. she NEEDS school. she is READY for school. she talks about it each day when she gets home. she LOVES her teacher. she loves gym, and art, and music class.. oh and the library. all of it. and this week? for the first time ever. something new. she was bitten. bitten by some little shit of a child, for no apparent reason - so says the teacher too. i explained to kennedy, she did all the right things. she told the teacher. the biter was scolded.
today, she came home from school. i asked her... "how was the biter today? did she bite you?" she told me she did not... i said..."was she nice to you today?" kennedy told me, "because she does not know how to be respectful of me and act like a five year old, i won't talk to her again. she can't be my friend."
i told her - "good. and if she bites you again? drop her."
she said - "yes, momma. she bites me again? i will show HER who's boss."
school is grand and she's adjusting just fine.
be good. peace.
i waited two years and went through several surgeries to get pregnant. i carried Kennedy with me for 7 months in and out of airplanes while i traveled all over the country for work. we had Kennedy on our due date, and she was either taken care of at home, or right next door, and recently, back at home. she's been my sidekick since conception. she's the apple that never left the branch to my eye.
i'm ok being away from her. though it's hard? i travel for work, and we've gotten used to it. does not make it easy. but we are ok with it. she'd gone to 2 full years of pre-school. i knew she was ready. i've known since she was 2 and began writing her name without assistance at TWO - she was ready. it was the whole bus thing. i was not ready for that. how do i know she GETS to school? how do i know she makes it? how do i know she knows how to get home? there were all these "yes but, how do i"'s...
the night before, we got all ready. we took an extra loooooong tubby. this is the point, i started to cry. she looked at me from the tub and says to me, "mom? it looks like you are the one that is having a hard time with this. you just need to deal with it. i'm going to school. maybe i should draw a heart in YOUR hand." dad and i cracked up. we blew out her hair dry, we painted nails. we got all spiffied up and beautified for the big day. she requested being all pinked up. i obliged of course.
the day came. she was so over the top excited. i was too, but with great reservation. my stomach hurt. like physically, actually hurt. we had breakfast, talked about the day ahead. went over the bus rules again, her address, her teacher's name, etcetera. she was SO ready. i went up to work.
she had lunch, i came down, got her ready. we curled her hair, got all pinked up.
i lost it. i physically hurt. i just stood there. in awe. and i actually felt as though something was being ripped from my insides. i was not the same that entire day. i cried on and off all day. it came time for the bus to come back down the street. i cried again as i saw it turn the corner. then thought - what if she got on the wrong one? the bus stopped... she bumbled down the steps yelling... " MOMMMMA!!!!!" with a huge smile on her face still.
today, she came home from school. i asked her... "how was the biter today? did she bite you?" she told me she did not... i said..."was she nice to you today?" kennedy told me, "because she does not know how to be respectful of me and act like a five year old, i won't talk to her again. she can't be my friend."
i told her - "good. and if she bites you again? drop her."
she said - "yes, momma. she bites me again? i will show HER who's boss."
school is grand and she's adjusting just fine.
be good. peace.
9.08.2010
new
loads of new things going on around this neck of the woods.
i'm a guest designer here this month. check out the goodness. pure pure goodness. love this community of women and crafters. amazing inspiration here. and rockin deals at the online store.
i went on vacation here last week for about 10 days. pure, sweet, organic love. art is everywhere. i love oregon and all bend has to offer.
whilst there, i learned to do this. empowered. truly empowered.
we hiked here. entranced. and here.
this weekend, i am spending with this rockin woman! can't hardly wait!
then we sent the girl to school. kindergarten for the first time ever. unreal. it's been a whirlwind of a few weeks. thoughts to come this weekend about school and the psychosematic pain my uterus felt putting her on that school bus.
i'm a guest designer here this month. check out the goodness. pure pure goodness. love this community of women and crafters. amazing inspiration here. and rockin deals at the online store.
i went on vacation here last week for about 10 days. pure, sweet, organic love. art is everywhere. i love oregon and all bend has to offer.
whilst there, i learned to do this. empowered. truly empowered.
we hiked here. entranced. and here.
this weekend, i am spending with this rockin woman! can't hardly wait!
then we sent the girl to school. kindergarten for the first time ever. unreal. it's been a whirlwind of a few weeks. thoughts to come this weekend about school and the psychosematic pain my uterus felt putting her on that school bus.
8.18.2010
just slow down
so, this summer, we've begun planning for kindergarten. officially making the BIG step from toddler to little girl. the thing i struggled with the most? shopping for clothes. now, i remember, 32 years ago in my life, being quite the lil fashionista. i had matching shoes, earrings, hair accessories... the works. but i don't for a second ever remember my clothes looking like a grown up. or a grown up tramp, for plaid-mini skirts and knee-highs sakes!
what in god's creation is going on with the clothing industry these days? is it not bad enough that we've become such a technological society with pedophiles lurking around every website... we now need to succumb our young girls to clothes that look like they belong on a set of the soprano's in an evening visit to ba-da-bing? come on. i have 7 outfits for my daughter. 7. she will wear t-shirts, jeans, and dresses. and she will be conservative. and respectful of her body. until she is old enough to provide for herself and move out.
this little feat of shopping for clothes has opened my eyes as a parent of a girl. society has become sickened. i can't tell you how often i open facebook, and oh look, there's another boob shot of a 13 year old girl. or look, there's a diatribe of who loves who and hate all over the internet. nauseates me. as a parent, it is our job to teach self respect. self discipline. self motivation. empathy. respect for others. braveness. encouragement. it is MY job as a parent to my daughter to empower her to love herself enough that she doesn't seek the love via other channels.
my five year old is very concerned with fashion. and as i learned last night, also, already commenting on body image issues. watching a ballet video on youtube... "momma, i'll never be that skinny." my response? i stood up and said, "look at momma. is anything wrong with momma's body?" she responded, "no momma. you are beautiful just the way you are and you always will be." and reminded her.. "and so are you." daily i am ingraining in my daughter... it's what is on the inside that truly matters most. i tell her, at five.. if your heart is not full, and warm, and beautiful... it doesn't matter a minute what the outside looks like. hopefully, she gets this message.
and when she's about to enter the 7th grade, she'll still want to shop at the GAP and where khakis with argyle sweaters. because her heart will still be so full, her outside will still continue to radiate an uncommon beauty. a selfless soul, full of empathy, self-respect, and female empowerment.
peace.
what in god's creation is going on with the clothing industry these days? is it not bad enough that we've become such a technological society with pedophiles lurking around every website... we now need to succumb our young girls to clothes that look like they belong on a set of the soprano's in an evening visit to ba-da-bing? come on. i have 7 outfits for my daughter. 7. she will wear t-shirts, jeans, and dresses. and she will be conservative. and respectful of her body. until she is old enough to provide for herself and move out.
this little feat of shopping for clothes has opened my eyes as a parent of a girl. society has become sickened. i can't tell you how often i open facebook, and oh look, there's another boob shot of a 13 year old girl. or look, there's a diatribe of who loves who and hate all over the internet. nauseates me. as a parent, it is our job to teach self respect. self discipline. self motivation. empathy. respect for others. braveness. encouragement. it is MY job as a parent to my daughter to empower her to love herself enough that she doesn't seek the love via other channels.
my five year old is very concerned with fashion. and as i learned last night, also, already commenting on body image issues. watching a ballet video on youtube... "momma, i'll never be that skinny." my response? i stood up and said, "look at momma. is anything wrong with momma's body?" she responded, "no momma. you are beautiful just the way you are and you always will be." and reminded her.. "and so are you." daily i am ingraining in my daughter... it's what is on the inside that truly matters most. i tell her, at five.. if your heart is not full, and warm, and beautiful... it doesn't matter a minute what the outside looks like. hopefully, she gets this message.
and when she's about to enter the 7th grade, she'll still want to shop at the GAP and where khakis with argyle sweaters. because her heart will still be so full, her outside will still continue to radiate an uncommon beauty. a selfless soul, full of empathy, self-respect, and female empowerment.
peace.
8.04.2010
the ladybugs visit & suicide
that about summed up my day.
the last several weeks have been rough. personally, professionally, creatively. i finally realized it was up to me to make it shift. i'm the only one in control. i'm the only one who can fix what's "off" within. so i did. i reclaimed my tuesdays. you see, the husbands have golf league, or a bowling league, or in another week, i'm told... football season starts. god help me. so i took tuesdays. it's my night. it's my bowling league if you will. i did this for about a year solid, and i would often find myself in a class of some kind, at barnes and noble sippin a mocha, readin some mags, wandering aisles of target while things leapt off the shelves into my cart - who cares? was MY TIME! i did things that made me happy. simple things. really simple. so i took it back. last night.
and i had visitors. the ladybugs. and it was grand. we drank chai tea, we shut my studio door, and we created. i had the best evening. i made one layout and started an altered printer tray from 7Gypsies. scrappingoodness, i tell ya! i have been sper, duper inspired by some lovely women at scrapgal . such an awesome group... that's really where the mojo started... but i over-did it. i stayed up too late. and today was rough. ladybug suicide and all.
kennedy woke up in a mood of sorts which caused me to take away a "lovie".. you'd think i cut off her right arm and fed it to her for breakfast. she cried, she screamed, she wailed, she kicked, she convulsed, and it all ended with her hyperventilating. all over a damn stuffed bear. Pink Bear - her sister - she tells me. she broke down, we made up, i calmed her down. the child is just out of sorts. and so we go. ladybug suicide.
i just am happy this day is over. thankful i get to do it all over again tomorrow. i have to have a ct scan tomorrow morning... say some prayers for me. i am grateful i have insurance to cover these kinds of things, grateful to have a job. blessed to be stressed. but i will be even happier if tomorrow, there are no ladybug suicides.
peace. be good.
8.01.2010
Dear Kennedy - August
Dear Kennedy,
I hope to God that August brings you not only a shift in the weather, but a divine shift in your attitude and outlook on your little life. In the last several days you have:
I hope to God that August brings you not only a shift in the weather, but a divine shift in your attitude and outlook on your little life. In the last several days you have:
- yelled at us
- hit us
- hissed at us
- growled at us
- stomped at us
- screeched at the top of your lungs at us
- thrown things at us
- told me you'd never speak to us again
- told me us didn't like us
- disobeyed us
- been un-thankful towards us
- been downright hateful towards us
these last several weeks it has been very difficult for me to parent, be consistent and set expectations with you. you wake up angry. pissed off at the world. i have tried everything to combat this. i have tried to wake up hours before you, so that you don't storm into my room, screaming at me telling me to wake up now and beginning your day with a barrage of i wants.
tonight? i have had it. i am done. i am exhausted. i am beat down. i am tired. i am worn out. i allow myself to feel like it is not okay to feel any of this. that i should just let it go. not let it get to me. ignore it. what is not understood by some is that if i do any of this, it allows the behavior to perpetuate and become a habit for you. i refuse, with all that i am, to allow that to happen.
although all of this horrible behavior from you has beaten me down so low, i feel like i am incompetent, one thing remains consistent, i have never once, even for an instant, stopped loving you. i just don't understand you. i can't comprehend what in your little big life makes you so angry. you have everything. you have two parents who rise and set each day because you exist. we do everything for you, with you. we play, we explore, we try new things together. we read, we make art, we watch movies, we experience life with you. we constantly give to you. of ourselves, our time, our very being is yours for the taking. if you'll just have it.
i don't know what more i can do, but show you tough love. i will continue to take things away from you and restrict you until you learn. i will continue to enforce the positive behavior in such a way you'd think a circus came to town, but i will not, for an instant, ignore the negative behavior. i will deal with it, you will not like it, and i don't care. because i love you. and i insist you become a good person. a sweet person. a respectful person. an empathetic person. a likable person. because i will not accept anything less from you. someday, this will all make sense to you. for now, you will, i guess, think i'm horrible on the best of days.
i just hope it shifts very soon. momma cannot tolerate too many more bad days like this. again, i've never stopped loving you, not even for an instant. i have a mad, crazy love for you that grows stronger every moment. never forget that.
love with all my heart,
momma
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