but a constant surge of "what ifs" continaully pulsate through my mind. I have to take Kennedy for a renal ultrasound tomorrow. This all stems from a discovery we had back in late April. She has a genetic rib anomoly - fancy doctor talk for.. there is something wrong with one of your daughter's ribs, but we are not sure what. her fourth rib on the right side, connects to the breast done with what appears to be a Y shaped connection. this causes her to have what is simply put - a bird chest. not noticable to strangers.
but to me? it stands out like a sore thumb. a reminder that not everything is perfect. a reminder on a daily basis, each time i change her shirt.. that what if? what if this is just the beginning of medical visits, and hospitals and tests. what if i am being too paranoid? i mean honestly, is there such a thing when it comes to your child? i think not.
the renal ultrasound is being done because one of the problems the "anomoly" with her rib can cause, is to her kidneys. this being a precaution, the doctors tell me. they think nothing is wrong, it's only a precaution. again, a daily reminder, what if? a reminder each time i change her diaper, i think.. why is she peeing so much? is something wrong withher kidneys? i keep these fears to myself. i over-react to myself. i'm scared. i hide that fact. plain and simple.
what makes matters worse tomorrow? i have to go to this appointment alone. will i ask the right questions? will she let me calm her and take care of her? she's been so attached to daddy lately.. will i do a good enough job? what if i can't calm her down? again, i'm scared. this appointment leads to a follow up withe the pediatric orthopaedic specialist, and then a visit in september for some genetic testing. i won't even get into the details of all of that right now, it's too much for my nerves to take. let's just say, again, we are told, it is precautionary. muscular dystrophy is on both sides of my family... MY immediate family. she was born with a loose hip, a late walker, and her feet still roll in a little too much for my liking. and yeah, did i mention that a chest xray showed initially she may have scoliosis... yet they "think" it's only positional?
i DO know she'll be okay. but i have every right to be scared. every right to be paranoid. ever right to be extra cautious. it is what makes me her momma. but i can still be scared. right?