and i'm back to regularly scheduled programming...
sometimes, life just gets in the way. birthdays happen.. celebrations take place.. your daughter turns THREE, your mother comes into town - after which you will never again be the same - all of that - and a last minute surprise trip to orlando for a weekend. phew.
then after that - life falls apart. the one thing you cling to the most begins to slip away. and you begin to sink. suffocate. you feel as though you are thrown in with cement blocks to your feet and you suffocate. slowly. painfully. your heart begins to break, each and every day. and reality hits. and you still can't breath. and you really begin to realize if you are as strong as you think you are. and you doubt yourself. and you continue to suffocate. and you cry so many tears your eyes begin to swell shut. you try and breath. and you can't. and it's slipping away. and reality hits again. and you realizes in the words of meredith grey - you are broken. and you want someone to fix you.
it's like having an addiction and the first step to recovery is admitting it and seeking help. i've had a colorful life. one that was never easy. one full of turmoil and struggle. but as i get older - i realize - i've created some of it and am in control of the rest of it. how it will all turn out. happiness is not easy. you have to find it. you've got to feel it from within. you've got to create it. you've got to know it - embrace it - master it. and still - it will never be easy.
but what i've come to realize is that once you begin to work on it.. everything else just falls into place. i have a very dear friend who is like a mother to me. she's taught me recently to hand things over. give it to someone else. pray. i always prayed for strength. strength to get me through, to help me through, to lead me over the obstacles. but you know what He does? to give you strength - He places more obstacles in your path. she then taught me not to pray for strength, but to pray for peace of mind. i began doing that and little by little - clarity began to sink in. my chest felt a little lighter each day. and the obstacles are not as frequent.
i am no longer suffocating and what could have been a tragic, horrible change in my life - was soon averted. it's a slow process. but i'm working on it. on my own. because without my own happiness and purpose - what good am i to someone else? i also learned - i am not the only one to blame. everything really is NOT all my fault. and that's ok too.
ok - kids - if you can read between the lines, it might make sense why i haven't blogged in AGES. i simply couldn't find the words. life's taken some interesting turns for me very recently. and i will get back to a bloggin like a regular habit. it's good for me. whether or not anyone reads, comments, whatever - i'm getting it out of me and out into the universe. and that my friends, is the best thing i know.