right after she asked for a banana. I said of course! do tell do tell!
and so she began:
"once upon a time, there was a little monkey. he was very very hungry. so he asked his momma for a banana. they were not green anymore so she said ok. he peeled and peeled and peeeeeeeeled the skin off. he ate his banana. and he ate. and ate. and ate. and ate and ate some more. he ate so his belly was very very full. he drank some water. it was so good. he loved his banana. and his momma. and his dadda. and his bailey. he was soooo happy. the end."
this told to me tonight by my not quite three year old. is it me or is the child simply amazing?
So today i went for it. i got to experience first hand the machine women are convinced was invented by a man. as i'm sure it was. i held it together pretty well all day. my husband met me there. just knowing he was in the waiting room was supposed to be enough. it wasn't. the tech talked to me a little, told me about the test. asked if i was ok and ready to get started. i lost it. here i am, right boob flopped into this machine, she says, "here - come here." she puts her arms out like your mom would after a really bad day. and i just sunk. this complete stranger. it was like that kleenex commercial where people sit down in the middle of traffic and pour their hearts out to a complete stranger. i'm vulnerable, half naked, hugging a complete stranger. and blubbering like a complete idiot. this woman is now a saint to me. she handled breasts all day long and probably is responsible for finding breast cancer in tons of patients. she was kind. thoughtful. and really caring.i calmed instantly. she took my mind off of things. she reassured me. asked me about my daughter. she is a good person. and it WILL come back around to her someday. i am sure of it. the world needs more people like her.
it really wasn't so bad. the mammogram. it wasn't painful, just uncomfortable. but "the girls" are pretty large AND saggy so it's easy to flop em up on in the vice gripper i suppose. the tech did the exam. radiologist read them. she did ANOTHER exam of the left side. she said - your tissue is very dense. that's not good. we can't get a good look but he sees something there. nice. they do a sonogram. she leaves, radiologist reads it. he comes in with the tech. they examine the left side again. i hear lots of hmms, that's it. yup, not sure. there's something there. they tell me, because my tissue is so dense, it will require an MRI to rule out any cancerous mass. that's the first time i heard that word loud and clear. and i about peed my pants. again, he said, it's probably nothing. but a mammogram misses cancerous diagnosis in women with dense tissue by 16%. MRI only 1-3% chance of missing something. this is the best course of action. he's a good man. he's thorough. i appreciated that.
but now? i have to wait. he's got to write up a report for my doc. my doc has to get authorization for the MRI. then i have to get an appt. no fun for me. though - sure - i keep saying - it's probably nothing. so that is where i am at.
still a mess. angry. angry at the world right now. and taking it out on my husband. he could have been more compassionate. more sincere. given me a hug or something. told me it was ok to cry. but no. i'm screaming on the inside because i don't feel i have the right to scream and yell and be angry. and cry. i just don't. and that makes me even more angry.
so. i'm content to be angry for a few more weeks. so long as i can end my day with a monkey story or two. it makes all the sadness and pain i'm feeling on the inside so totally worth every minute of it.