so - i made an appointment for my doc a couple of weeks ago - for something i didn't want to talk about. something i was denying. then - poof - out of the clear blue - i get a whopping case of bronchitis on sunday. i call in sick to work monday. sleep all day. go to the doc yesterday.

problem was, and i was afraid to even say this outloud, i found a lump in my left breast. now - of course - i know it's common. i know we all have them. but you can't tell me for one fucking minute you don't freak out when you hear a doctor say, "wow, yeah - there does seem to be something there. it's about 3cm. well - it's probably nothing, but we need to do a mammogram to check for cancer just to be on the safe side. though - ITS PROBABLY NOTHING. might just be a blocked milk duct."

probably nothing. and he's probably right. but when you have a family. and when you have a daughter. that probably nothing flashes like probably something every 5-10 minutes before my eyes. don't post and tell me it's probably nothing. as i know that. it's probably not. but Jesus. anyone who knows me KNOWS i've had my fair share of health problems in just the last 2.5 months - let alone the last 5 years. i am TRYING SO HARD to take better care of myself. because without me - my family's got nothing, right? so WHY ME? oh and on the up side - i've lost 22 pounds since my doctor saw me last. he couldn't believe the difference!

so anyhow - bare with me as i rant. this is where i come to for it. it's really hard to talk to my husband as my pessimism is HIS biggest pet peeve of me. so i rant. out into the world.

oh and the post title. irony. look at my blog banner. i laugh at it. irony.



Melonie said...

Oh Shell, I am so sorry to read this. My Mom is a 7 year survivor so this stuff scares the hell out of me. You can rant all day long because it's certainly something to you, it's certainly something to your family, it's definately something to everyone who cares about you, even if it turns out OK. It is still a something that will likely change the way you look at everything. It is something that will put you through hell until the tests come back. It is scary and you have the right to be pissed off. MUCH LOVE to you Girl. I'm here if you need anything.

Katrina said...

sending you positive thoughts. please let me know when you get the results.

Anonymous said...

Think Positive Thoughts .........You are doing the right things ....calling DR. Getting a Mammogram, taking better care of yourself ....losing all that weight, eating smart........... all good things ...and there is HOPE...always HOPE and I HOPE it is nothing!


Gigi said...

Aww man! Stuff like this is always so devastating to hear, I know the number it can play on your mind (I've had my share in the past, believe me. Nothing anyone says can make it seem better either). I'm not going to say those words you don't want to hear, so I'm going to say instead that I will be sending lots of good thoughts & prayers your way! Hang in there, *try* to think positively and I'm here to chat if you need me.

Gigi said...

And....how could I forget?
Congratulations on the weight loss! That is freakin' awesome!

Lisamariemlt said...

hey girl I haven't been about for a bit
read your blog and thought
yup Irony
just keep being you
be strong and keep doing that amazing job on taking care of yourself and loosing that weight