DISCLAIMER: this blog is a space for me to journal. if you will read the following and assume it's a pity party - then to hell with you. it's not. it's MY journal. just trying to work out some emotional stuff...thankyouverymuch!
ok - so i sit here, it's 11:00pm. I should take a prescribed narcotic (since i'm out of ambien)and just get some sleep already. but my head is reeling. i am doubtful. i am on the edge of what i like to call a parental failure breakdown. i have had two anxiety attacks today - complete with dizziness, chest pains, and an inability to catch my breath. i can do this. i am strong. i can push through. i kept telling myself this today. it worked. on occassion.
my daughter has been having a rough period. she's been having temper tantrums on a whim. they last for hours sometimes. she wakes up with them. she battles, she fights. i do everything in my power to have a plan to prevent them from happening. keeping her focused. having a plan. these things seems to help her. USED TO seem to help her. not anymore. the shape of her cantaloupe in the morning not begin what she expected is enough disaster to create an entirely negative day for her. LITERALLY. everything goes wrong for her. the wrong fork, the wrong shoes, the wrong color of clouds, then not having enough clouds on HER side of the car as we drive down the road. LITERALLY. these are the things she screams and kicks about.
what i don't get here - this REALLY is not her typical behavior. i would not coin her as a spoiled brat. normally, she is respectful, sweet, polite... an all around pleasant child. creative. playful. imaginative. but then it's almost as if something snaps. something turns off and this other kid turns on. and when it happens, it goes on for days. this switch in the child pushes me over the edge. i don't having coping mechanisms for it. her behavior is such that it deems discipline. time out used to work - as little as 1-3 minutes. NOW? she can sit in her time out spot for 30 minutes and scream bloody murder the entire time.
the part that scares me the most is this look i see in her when it happens. it's like something disappears from her eyes. her body is full of rage. she says horrible things. she uses the word hate. i don't say that word in front of her. shit - what the hell - holy cow - yes - she hears those things - but HATE? not even close. i LOATHE hearing that word come from a child's mouth. it's worse than the eff word in my opinion. and she says it - usually under her breath - after i've disciplined her in some way. then when i say, "excuse me?" she says, sweetly, "oh nothing." SHE'S THREE!!! what the hell? so - i digress. the rage will set in. she throws things, she wants to hit - she will begin the blood curdling screaming fits and get to a point of hyperventilating at which point i finally grab her, hold her tight and begin rocking her, usually cradling her and hugging her as tight to me as i can - and at that moment - her body just goes limp. she melts into me. her breathing slows. i feel her little hands tighten around me. she is squeezing me. she is hanging on for dear life.. yet she is limp. it's almost as if - she's just given in and is now exhausted.
AGAIN - this does not happen often - but when it does - it seems like it goes on for days. and you guessed it - never as full blown as i describe here when my husband is home. it's always just her and i. today - i planned an afternoon in the front yard. i got her a bucket, a hand shovel and we were going to plant some seeds and pull weeds. that lasted less than 2 minutes. she wanted her bike. i got the car keys, moved the car out of the driveway, blocked her in the driveway so she could ride her bike. she's still learning and she's petrified of it. she threw a fit. i tried sidewalk chalk. she wanted nothing to do with it. the temper started - we went in the house, she sat in time out, didn't work, so i put her in her room. she fell asleep within minutes. i let her sleep for about 2 hours. she woke up, cranky still, yelling at me. and it lasted for another two hours. ending with her going limp. again.
if you've stayed with me this long, i appreciate ya. if you got some seasoned motherly advice. bring it. i NEED it. i seriously do NOT know what to do.and when i called my husband for some support (he's out of town) he only said again - why do you let her get to you so easily? i wanted to tell him not to bother coming home.
i'm exhausted. going to pop whatever kind of pill i can find that will hopefully help me sleep tonight.
peace and hope for happy thoughts tomorrow. we are going to the dentist and then to see Wall-E...