i had a dr appt today.
i asked my SIL to go with me.
because i knew my husband would say "i have to work".
i decided to go alone.
didn't want to inconvenience anyone.
i'm tired of complaining and hurting.
i'm tired of it always being about me.
tired of always needing someone else.
i wanted to be alone today.
i wept at my desk several different times before i left.
i felt brave.
for the first time in a long time.
i had a wodnerful breakfast with my daughter.
she asked my how my day was.
at 6:30am over pancakes, strawberries and cream.
she was gorgeous in the morning light from the window.
i wanted to cry.
but i didn't.
she rode her bike to the sitter today while i walked beside her.
when did she learn to ride it?
she just knew how to do it.
i was amazed again at her beauty.
i dropped her off.
she said, "have a good day momma. i will miss you today."
sealed it with a kiss and she was off.
i walked back home.
i got through the morning.
i am learning to blow off stupidity from colleagues.
i blew it off about 6 times today.
i went to the doc.
did i say i was brave today?
i was brave today.
we talked about paget's disease.
he doesn't think i have it.
but he's boggled.
so he did a biopsy.
left breast - one and a half inch incision.
the nurse was kind.
she was warm. and caring.
and she stood right next to me.
a hand on my shoulder.
her other hand in mine.
i didn't ask her to do it.
she knew.
you could see it in her eyes.
or perhaps could she see the fear in mine?
my surgeon is kind.
he's a good man.
he looks like my dad - who i miss more than words can say
it's nothing.
i'm sure it's nothing.
i tell myself it's nothing.
but still.
you think.
and so i came home.
took some hydrocodone.
and slept.
i woke up just in time
to see my girl before she went to bed.
she looked more beautiful than ever.
she asked if my boobie boo-boo was better yet.
she rubbed my arm.
she wrapped herself around me leg and said -
you will be better mommy. just wait. you'll see.
i've written recently how awful it has been.
how challenging motherhood has been.
so full of angst, doubt, fear.
and i wouldn't change it for the world.
i'm trying
to find good
to find happy
to be kind
trying so hard
just wait.
you'll see.


Anonymous said...

Hang in there, sweet cheeks. All will be well.


Lisamariemlt said...

yup we'll see
you keep it up girl
you are stronger than you give yourself credit

Heather said...

this is so sweet, even though i'm sure you weren't trying to be sweet. keep your chin up, that little lady needs you! :)

Gigi said...

Those are the words to hang onto to--the ones from Kennedy herself. Children are very insightful. Big, big hugs to you.

Lori said...

You are tough, but you don't have to go it alone. You have many friends! Don't be afraid to ask. HUGS to you.

Melonie said...

We WILL see. I just know it.
(((HUGS))) sweetie.

Gina said...

prayers and hugs.

Anonymous said...

I had no idea you were going through this. My computer has been down ...goes off and on ...been twice to Apple .....but I digress,

I am here for you ...I am praying it is nothing...just an irritant. Any news ..please call me!

Love you!

Bon Bon