ok - so i failed. kinda.

i promised to post pics of my lists for 2 weeks. well - on my list was - "spend less time during the day on the internet!" and i've succeeded.

i am keeping lists.
i am sticking to them.
i am accomplishing things.
i feel productive at the end of most days.

on another note - if you lack a thyroid - you know - the guy that is like your body's shop foreman? yeah. take your synthroid DAILY. don't skip two days in a row. unless of course you want to feel what it must feel like to die a slow and painful death. sunday - i couldn't figure out why i was falling asleep sitting up all the while everything including my HAIR hurt... i realized at about 11pm sunday night, i missed my pills - i think thursday, friday , and maybe saturday? i woke up monday like i was on CRACK! i was so hyper! it was GRAND. take your PILLS!

the weather here.
gorgeous.
my newest, littlest, cutest, most gorgeous baby in my family in three years...
marvelous.
lilliana grace came into my life on thursday.
i got an hourly play by play text message from my bro.
love him.
he even texted me when the head was crowning.
soon as she came out
i flew down 81 like a madwoman.
gorgeous.
instant love affair.
momma and daddy are doing awesome.
my SIL - a CHAMP. baby was almost 9 pounds!

ok - folks - happy tuesday! I am supposed to be doing a PIF RAK... so i need some comments people! LOTS OF THEM! tell your friends!!! I will chose my RAK recipients from the comments by Friday...

peace.

I'm stinkin it up in here...

i'm tootin again!!! woo hoo!

i can't believe i neglected to post this earlier...

i had a project requested for publication by Paper Trends Magazine this month! I was/am SO over the top excited!!!! Issue comes out in August/September!!!

i'm just gonna keep on submitting... eventually some manufacturer will pick me up because in the words of Stuart Smalley:

"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggonnit! Peaople LIKE ME!"

to do list

it's something i never used to start my days without. something i felt i couldn't function without. it was the way i began and ended each day. i made lists. i would commute to work, make the lsit in my head. stop for my coffee and breakfast something or other. get to my desk. get out notepad - make list for the day. as i went through the day, i highlighted the items i had completed. (funny - i learned recently - one of my brothers does the same thing!) at the end of the day - i would recap the list, add items to it for morning, clean up my desk - putting EVERYTHING away. wipe down desk. and go home.

my life is drastically different now. i work from home. i'm a mom. i seriously disorganized. i stopped making lists. things get missed. forgotten. past due. undone. chaos. to most, i seem pretty together and on top of things. it's all an act. i'm the one screeching into the parking lot daily with breaks on and grabbing the last damn parking spot.




enter today. i'm bringin list back. and i'm makin it a habit. i will post my list here each day for the next two work weeks. that's all it takes for me, personally, to develop a habit. i figure a nice frilly, spring time mug is in order for my morning coffee... since i no longer get the commute or the stop at starbucks.. though on SOME days - i DO make a stop.

make today a great day and here's to hoping i get this damn list complete today!

“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” ~ Oscar Wilde

can i get a - PHEW!

so - the last few weeks have been rough - to say the least. BUT - it's ove and we are cancer free. what was discovered with the breast MRI was NOTHING in the left side - which is the "problem" side - but a small cyst in my right side. i had to go BACK for yet another test on friday. they found a teeny, tiny cyst in a lypmh node in my right breast. I am told "nothing to worry about - only to monitor". So - that's a good thing. for now. i finally slept. well - for a few hours.

enter - the three year old from hell! we had a bad storm friday night/saturday morning. began at 3:30 am sharp. Kennedy woke up and hollered out - "Momma - it's too scary in my room - get ME!" we snuggled in my bed for a bit until she declared it was time to head downstairs and have a snack! at 3:45am!!!! oi vey! for the LOVE OF GOD!

i can't even remember now what i gave her to snack on but i DO remember, when she was done - she said - and i quote - "um, momma? i'm all done with my snack now. i think you should wake up and make us some breakfast. don't you think?" i gave in. i made a smart alec comment to her of course (gee wonder where she gets it from) and said to heck with it! I may as well get up and seize the day! it was WEIGH IN SATURDAY anyhow!!! and yes ladies - i am down another 2 pounds. still at a loss for 22 - as i gained 2 the couple of weeks before and then lost this two... but heck - 22 since January! that's rockin if i do say so myself!

let's see.. what else? I applied for a manufacturer design team this week! I will tell you more when i know for certain - but there was a little bit'o'kismet that pushed me to do it - ever so last minute!

work is slowly getting better. i had my review on friday. it was stellar. i maxed out my increase AND tacked on an additonal 4% to my raise as i got a title promotion... lateral - but still - mo money mo money! life is grand. but i would downplay it if i said i earned. i friggin worked my arse off to earn it! for two flippin years! i am scheduled to take the first full week in May off and it cannot seriously get here fast enough.

i've been creating. and it feels good. i knocked out some stuff for the DT over at We B Scrappin... got handed some stuff that at first i wasn't crazy about - but turns out i fell in LOVE with! New Fancy Pants and Fiskars Kimberly Poloson! pure love.i sewed a little sundress for Kennedy this weekend.. will post a pic when she's cooperating...and i did the taxes. yes. did them myself. with a little help from H&R block online... still saved $75 by doing myself... AND a nice little refund.

ok - folks - i think i'm falling asleep typing. now i KNOW i have stalkers out there..leave a comment or two or three. i am supposed to be doing a Pay It Forward RAK courtesy of my great friend MELONIE who's birthday is today!!!! but i want to know who's reading this... perhaps i will RAK it upon YOU!!! POST POST PEOPLES!!!


New Upsy Daisy Product... that i am now in LOVE with!

Fancy Pants love....

more Fancy Pants love...

and a fun trip to the zoo on i think the first real day of spring here!


peace.

www.feelyourboobies.com

so - my "girls" have seen a whole lot more action in the last three weeks than probably the last three years! after a week of waiting to see a surgeon at my doctor's request - surgeon tells me same damn thing the radiologist told me. YOU NEED AN MRI! Jesus H. Christ. I am LIVID. so - the surgeon feels the lump. he tells my my nipple looks very irritated and sore... and do they always look that dry? um - yeah.. NO! not ever. he tells me this. "i've operated on you twice now. first your thyroid, then your gall bladder. each time - you had to fight with docs to get them to see something was wrong. i am 90% sure this lump is probably nothing. but you are a rare patient. you are very in tune with your body. and you know when something's not right. so until i see a clean MRI.. i'm sticking with 90%. sorry to make you wait longer - but we need to be 100%."

my surgeon is a saint. i think the nurse thought i was crazy. as the lumpy boob is being manhandled by Dr Tyler.. i am sitting up, arm up over my head, thryoid scar exposed and then the 4 scars on my belly from the GB removal exposed... I say -"yeah - most women my age like to get tatoos. I personally prefer getting scarred up by Dr. Tyler!" he laughed. the nurse - not so much. i mean - come on - this guy is a saint. it's like i've got his autograph all over me. most people can't even tell he slashed right into my neck and spent four hours taking out as he put it "the most diseased thyroid i've ever seen!"

so. i sit. and wait. and i cry. and i'm not very nice right now. and i am telling people trying to comfort me.. if you tell me one more friggin time it's probably nothing - i will puke all over you. because to ME? RIGHT NOW? it's SOMETHING. damnit. i just want to scream.

35 next month. 35 years old. and this is what i am worrying about right now. unfrigginbelievable. i really don't even know who all reads this rant i put out here... but if i've got your attention this long. feel your boobies. seriously. get them checked. i discovered this problem about four months ago. i kept it a secret. yes ME.. i kept my mouth shut. for a VERY long time. telling no one. denying myself.

will update when i know more.

peace.

She said, "I want to tell you a monkey story..." & updates...

right after she asked for a banana. I said of course! do tell do tell!

and so she began:

"once upon a time, there was a little monkey. he was very very hungry. so he asked his momma for a banana. they were not green anymore so she said ok. he peeled and peeled and peeeeeeeeled the skin off. he ate his banana. and he ate. and ate. and ate. and ate and ate some more. he ate so his belly was very very full. he drank some water. it was so good. he loved his banana. and his momma. and his dadda. and his bailey. he was soooo happy. the end."

this told to me tonight by my not quite three year old. is it me or is the child simply amazing?

Update...

So today i went for it. i got to experience first hand the machine women are convinced was invented by a man. as i'm sure it was. i held it together pretty well all day. my husband met me there. just knowing he was in the waiting room was supposed to be enough. it wasn't. the tech talked to me a little, told me about the test. asked if i was ok and ready to get started. i lost it. here i am, right boob flopped into this machine, she says, "here - come here." she puts her arms out like your mom would after a really bad day. and i just sunk. this complete stranger. it was like that kleenex commercial where people sit down in the middle of traffic and pour their hearts out to a complete stranger. i'm vulnerable, half naked, hugging a complete stranger. and blubbering like a complete idiot. this woman is now a saint to me. she handled breasts all day long and probably is responsible for finding breast cancer in tons of patients. she was kind. thoughtful. and really caring.i calmed instantly. she took my mind off of things. she reassured me. asked me about my daughter. she is a good person. and it WILL come back around to her someday. i am sure of it. the world needs more people like her.

it really wasn't so bad. the mammogram. it wasn't painful, just uncomfortable. but "the girls" are pretty large AND saggy so it's easy to flop em up on in the vice gripper i suppose. the tech did the exam. radiologist read them. she did ANOTHER exam of the left side. she said - your tissue is very dense. that's not good. we can't get a good look but he sees something there. nice. they do a sonogram. she leaves, radiologist reads it. he comes in with the tech. they examine the left side again. i hear lots of hmms, that's it. yup, not sure. there's something there. they tell me, because my tissue is so dense, it will require an MRI to rule out any cancerous mass. that's the first time i heard that word loud and clear. and i about peed my pants. again, he said, it's probably nothing. but a mammogram misses cancerous diagnosis in women with dense tissue by 16%. MRI only 1-3% chance of missing something. this is the best course of action. he's a good man. he's thorough. i appreciated that.

but now? i have to wait. he's got to write up a report for my doc. my doc has to get authorization for the MRI. then i have to get an appt. no fun for me. though - sure - i keep saying - it's probably nothing. so that is where i am at.

still a mess. angry. angry at the world right now. and taking it out on my husband. he could have been more compassionate. more sincere. given me a hug or something. told me it was ok to cry. but no. i'm screaming on the inside because i don't feel i have the right to scream and yell and be angry. and cry. i just don't. and that makes me even more angry.

so. i'm content to be angry for a few more weeks. so long as i can end my day with a monkey story or two. it makes all the sadness and pain i'm feeling on the inside so totally worth every minute of it.

peace.

irony

so - i made an appointment for my doc a couple of weeks ago - for something i didn't want to talk about. something i was denying. then - poof - out of the clear blue - i get a whopping case of bronchitis on sunday. i call in sick to work monday. sleep all day. go to the doc yesterday.

problem was, and i was afraid to even say this outloud, i found a lump in my left breast. now - of course - i know it's common. i know we all have them. but you can't tell me for one fucking minute you don't freak out when you hear a doctor say, "wow, yeah - there does seem to be something there. it's about 3cm. well - it's probably nothing, but we need to do a mammogram to check for cancer just to be on the safe side. though - ITS PROBABLY NOTHING. might just be a blocked milk duct."

probably nothing. and he's probably right. but when you have a family. and when you have a daughter. that probably nothing flashes like probably something every 5-10 minutes before my eyes. don't post and tell me it's probably nothing. as i know that. it's probably not. but Jesus. anyone who knows me KNOWS i've had my fair share of health problems in just the last 2.5 months - let alone the last 5 years. i am TRYING SO HARD to take better care of myself. because without me - my family's got nothing, right? so WHY ME? oh and on the up side - i've lost 22 pounds since my doctor saw me last. he couldn't believe the difference!

so anyhow - bare with me as i rant. this is where i come to for it. it's really hard to talk to my husband as my pessimism is HIS biggest pet peeve of me. so i rant. out into the world.

oh and the post title. irony. look at my blog banner. i laugh at it. irony.

peace.

goodness

my sitter - pure goodness - this woman. teaches my child awesome things. at breakfast today, kennedy quizzed me:

her: what's rule #1?
me: huh?
her: one at a time!
her: what's rule #2?
me: um dunno?
her: drink in between!
her: what's rule #3?
me: hmmm.. tell me.. (I am intrigued at this point at the sheer brilliance of my not even 3 year old)
her: take little bites!!!

my sitter then calls me this morning asking if i would like homemade veggie bean burgers and homemade pita slices grilled in garlic and olive oil... umm - need you ask me TWICE? bring it sister! she shows up, lets herself in - leaves me a to go package on the dining table - let's herself out - and i never even know she's here!

pure random thoughtful goodness. do a little on your own today for someone least expectng it.

peace!

yes... everybody POOPS!

and tonight - it was my girlie Q!!! on the POTTY!!! I am OVER THE TOP excited to share this news. I was not home to witness it - but was at my monthly card club when i got The Call. I hear this little voice on the other end - suddenly get VERY loud and say (shrieking with excitement) "Momma!!! I pooped! I pooped! Go get Hungry Hippos PLEASE!!!"

We had resorted to bribery. and hey - whatever works! my child is well mannered, polite, and VERY respectful for not quite three. if I have to bribe her on occasion - I am not above it. So get Hungry Hippos I did, along with new panties, new jammies, and the coolest, biggest Littlest Pet Shop Toy Target had on hand! I could NOT get home fast enough tonight! I drove about 85 mph the entire way home!

When I walked in the door she literally jumped up into my arms and squeezed me SO tight! When I asked her what happened she clearly reported this: "I pooped. On THE potty! All by myself. I was a good girl! It looked like a potato!!!" I cried with laughter! A POTATO????? YES! A POTATO!!!

LOVE that kid. we played about 30 rounds of Hungry hungry Hippos, because as she will tell you - their bellies just couldn't get full enough! I also realized tonight - Momma is in love with the littlest Pet Shops. I mean - they are SO stinkin CUTE! And boy - do those guys know how to have fun! The clubhouse came complete with a swingin vine, basket, AND skateboard! woo hoo!

i am one proud, tired, broke momma tonight. and i wouldn't have it any other poopin way!

winter.

we thought we'd skate right on through without it. we thought we were lucky. we never really had to deal with it. not really. and then - the last week of febraury. it's here. winter! i am not a fan of being hot. so i typically enjoy the winter. i don't get active in it and actually exert myself, oh no. but i love the quiet. the temporary blanket of clean. the temporary cover up of all the really crappy houses that exist in upstate ny. did i mention the quiet? i'm a fan of quiet. so i woke up this morning to a beautiful cover of snow and peace and quiet. love it.

my night time hours, not so much. i've been having nightmares lately. vivid, i'm screaming out in my sleep kind of nightmares. last night was one in which my neighbors house was surrounded by swat and the husband (and no Kathy - since i KNOW you stalk my blog - it was my other neighbors - not you guys! hehe)had barracaded himself in with some sort of military rifle... and his wife and family were locked in a bathroom. i could see all of this in technicolor in my dream, from my bedroom window. my dreams are usually premonitions too, seems like. i dreamt last week my best friend's husband was having trouble with his diabetes again and was about to have his foot amputated. i called her the next day and told her and she said he had just got home from the doctor and has a severe infection in his toe. freaks us out. her husband calls us "Charmed". i had a nightmare two weeks ago that we were victims of a home invasion and i was shot. not killed, but shot. ron said i was yelling out in my sleep and i woke up crying. strange, eh? some battle is going on in my head while i sleep. PHEW! think it's time to get a refill of the good ole ambien!

not much other excitement going on here these days. an unruly 3 year old... going through a phase. we HOPE... ahh parenthood. i've got a horrible cold. i'm blaming girls at We B that were sick on saturday. i haven't been sick with sinuses in almost 3 months. i spend one day with a coughy, runny nose bunch, and POOF. sick. my nose is cracked. i can't stop it from running. i have sinus head.

in light of all that - i'm being productive at work this week - thank GOD. as it's only getting busier. i get to travel next month to texas. kind of excited about that. always like the personal interaction with my co-workers. i'm fortunate - i've got a pretty amazing bunch of folks on my team that i just adore. so i'm really looking forward to the trip. not to mention - i will get to go to Sam Moon, IKEA and hopefully the container store! not that i will be able to BUY anything, but I will be able to go! hehehe

have a splenderific wednesday people! ciao!